Cats don't play with Barn Owls

For starters, do you figure Barn Owls got their name from barns?

I mean, obviously but, from liking to hang out in them? Like someone was walking near a barn hundreds of years ago and saw a Barn Owl for the first time and decided to call it that? It seems unfair to Barn Owls, I mean they’ve probably been around for way longer than barns, owls I mean. Though I´m not sure, I´ll have to check, but just out of common sense I mean, barns were probably invented to store food, so they came once ancient folks’ need for saving food happened which, according to some books I’ve read recently (yes, you heard correctly, hon, and I´m talking about thick ones, like 10 American Truckers stalked up tight, I mean the ones that take months to read and only brainy people finish – which is not my case, but I’ve perused* through them a lot), it happened once humans became sedentary, I mean once they stopped traveling around like gypsies and figured out how to grow food themselves. That’s when they came up with the problem of storing it, keeping it from being stolen by animals, wolves or bears or, who knows, maybe even owls. No, wait. Just a sec, hon. Yeah, just checked, owls eat flesh. Who knew, right? They seem so defenseless, those soft feathers and heart-shaped face (google’m up hon, so you know what I’m talking about – see? Their faces look like a heart, like that weird cartoon Livy watches, sweet and pettable). But actually they’re vicious. They hunt at night with like x-ray super power eyes, and they’re sneaky as heck. Lethal. Which brings me to the topic of cats. Well, actually, side note, did you know owls don’t produce sounds? They don’t get wet either, I think it’s connected somehow, but yeah, you just can’t hear them, which is what makes them some of the most killer raptors. Weird, huh? Raptor. Rrrraptor. Say it, c’mon say it, honey. Ha, I love listening to you doing it. Rolling your Rs, that’s something I’ll leave to your Latino family, beans and cheese must train your mouth to do it, ha, and I don’t mean it in a demeaning way, you know how much I love my enfriyoladas, but I just can’t do it, I just sound like a white dumb giant when I try, you’ve heard me. But coming back to the subject, really, It’s not a word one relates with an owl, huh? Raptor - Immediately makes you think of a gator or a reptile creature equipped with a mouth-filled, bloodstained, killer razor-like teeth. No, no, no, don’t get ideas, I’m not playing with those anymore, hun. I told you I’ll get outta here soon and I meant it, cross my heart and hope to die, right? If I had a Barn Owl with me, I could cross its face, ha! Get it? Cause they are shaped like hearts. Gosh, the things you make me say, don’t tell Larry I’m being such a sap, he’ll pull me out o’tha shop. I’m putting some stars on my forehead working here at the library, you know? Learning stuff, you’d be proud. Are you proud? I mean, not because I’m in here, that’s shameful, specially having been so dumb and getting caught, but I mean proud of me because I’m being good and workin’ and earning respect here. Who knew I’d like it, right? I mean, no, I miss you, yes hun, you know I do, but, I’ll tell you a secret sweetie (imagine I’m whispering now, ok? and DON’T tell Larry I’m being soft, ok, ready, here it goes) – the pound isn’t so terrible. (Are you slapping me now?) I mean, I even get fed better than your burnt water, ha! Just kidding, babe, I know you make an effort and we can always order pizza, “no anchovies cause they stink,” don’t think I’ve forgot about dear Livy, no hon, I’ll love’r as if she was my own, that’s what I promised and that’s what I’ll do. No, babe, I haven’t forgot about dear Livy nor about her savage cat, which is the whole reason I’m writing this letter in the first place, see? Well, it turns out Barn Owls don’t get along with cats, it’s proved, by science hun, lab rats like your bro know it, ask him, so I’m very sorry, but when I come out the cat’s gonna have to leave because I’m becoming a falconer (which is a confusing name because I’ll not get a falcon but an owl, a Barn Owl, and will name her Heart, you like it? Tell Livy it’ll be swell).

*As you’ve noticed, honey, I´m becoming a literate man, and will seduce that tight cute little head of yours with fancy words like peruse. Google-it-up and teach it to Livy, say papa is getting smart.

Xoxo, P.