Catching fucking feels.

I was asked to write about the difference between lust and love. And I am flattered you think I am an expert on such matters, I really am. While the initial answer may seem somewhat obvious: you see someone, you are attracted to them, want them all over you versus love between partners is which develops over time. But the answer, at least in the context to which I was asked, I believe has a little something to do with patterns – say polarity – and craving something from a partner that really is totally outside of love.

This pattern, let’s call it lust, blinds us, makes us not see our partner clearly, and can make us feel very much in love. Though I have never had a healthy drug habit (read: unhealthy), I think of the addictive nature the same. Your body, your senses, go from want to need, to things feel wrong when you are removed. Like an opioid addiction, we keep returning to toxic partners over and over because there is something about it our bodies, our minds lust over. Need. Like air in our lungs. But we have chemistry! Let's take a moment to break down the concept of chemistry and briefly explore the scientific definition of the word:

chem·is·try /ˈkeməstrē/ noun

1. The branch of science that deals with the identification of the substances of which matter is composed; the investigation of their properties and the ways in which they interact, combine, and change; and the use of these processes to form new substances.

Interact. Combine. Change. While this is more referring to test tubes and microscopes, this analogy is also applicable in patterns – which like polarity – are somewhat looking for their counterpart. That magnetic feeling towards someone you barely know, or to someone you are just meeting for the first time is often described as chemistry. But why? What is attracting us to partners like moths to a flame? These patterns trigger interest, passion, obsession, yes lust, to combine those two magnetic forces. The real issue is, this chemistry, or lust, is often a pattern of toxic behavior which has led us down this road before; this is where many spiral and misinterpret the signals where lust becomes mistaken for love. Let’s head on over to definition two:

2. the complex emotional or psychological interaction between two people.

Complex. Emotional. Psychological. So deep and so many below the surface words. How could anything complex and emotional occur at first text, date, glance? Meeting for a first date, someone is lead to believe they feel chemistry whereas they have only engaged in mild conversation of shoot the shit where the other person portrays a solid bullshit version of themselves. Yet maybe we start planning the wedding, naming our future children, and doodling names in our notebook. Just me? Well shoot, that is embarrassing! I digress… The point being, sure, something psychological is happening and giving you "chemistry" in your brain. Maybe something familiar from your childhood where you lacked attention. A broken home. The possibilities are endless. But this chemistry which "feels like home" as romance can often be described in a RomCom is actually just that. And typically feels from home are what we consciously are trying to avoid more times than not. That pesky subconscious on the other hand...

This lust, mistaken for love, as the drug habit becomes fueled, is basically the polar pull of one unhealthy relationship pattern recognizing its polar pulling opposite in the other person. So what does this mean? Does it mean whenever we feel a spark, we are really reacting to an unhealthy habit? Are we forced to “settle” for partners who do not make us feel that…chemistry? No, I don’t think so. But here is actual truth behind the chemistry. And relationships. It takes a long time to get to know someone. You come to the table with blinders, be it rose colored or self sabotaging glasses which cause you to distance someone who may actually be a healthy partner in favor for someone with more toxic "chemistry." How do you discern between the two? It can be tricky! We are programmed for staying comfortable, no matter how unhealthy or unhappy that comfort is. Trying to break free from toxic relationship patterns is hard work. You may even think you are doing it, or have done it, and then BAM. That dude your friends thought was solid is actually trash. How do you know? How do you learn to trust yourself? Really, all you can do is continually check the boxes and ensure you are dealing with your own shit. If you are continually cleaning up your side of the street, unpacking your issues, and acknowledging where your unhealthy, co-dependent habits come into play, the odds are much better you will not be seeing a relationship with rose colored, or self sabotaging glasses. Because really in the moment, you think you know, but you have no idea…

The next part – aside from cleaning up your side of the street – you get to know someone. You allow yourself to be vulnerable and lovable. You focus on loving yourself, because without self-love, you cannot love another human. You also need to understand someone else does not complete you. As a person who would love a long-term partner yesterday, I know this future partner cannot save me, fix me, or 100% fulfill me as there are too many wants and needs in my lifetime to be the responsibility of one person. That does not mean I need multiple partners. Please. I swipe left on all those ENM profiles which to me basically says: I cheat but I am upfront about it! Again, I digress...

It means I try to apply healthy expectations of what I look for in a partner. I do not want a lust-based relationship. And that has nothing to do with the sexual desire and intimacy, which comes from physical attraction, mental attraction, intimate connection, what have you. I want love that is founded on something more than my mind and body telling me I have chemistry because I am pulled towards another toxic relationship. May you feel mental-physical-intimate-sexual attraction and chemistry to someone who is not toxic for you? Abso-fucking-lutely. If you are doing the work and checking the boxes you are much more likely to fulfill this reality. But the point is you can never be so sure. So check the boxes. Get to know someone before you plan the wedding. Save yourself before you look to save another, oxygen mask, or covid-19 mask, and all.