Can you ever really go back.

Nobody can hear a scream in the vacuum of space, or so they say. Echoed the words in my soul. I woke up near the water's edge, in the most beautiful place I had ever seen.

The water was clear blue, like the water you see in the travel agent pictures of a deserted island surounded by perfection, convincing you that if you went there you'd be the only possible person or couple on the beach. You'd be completely secluded. How do they get those photo's anyway. Do they pay strangers to leave for an hour..

I dipped my toe in the perfect crystal water. This can't be right, it had that perfect level of warmth to it. My toes didn't go into a deep freezing cold or hot. It was perfectly temperature.

Confused I looked up into the warm sun beaming down on me.. How did I get here? Was I in space... I asked myself curiously

"You're not in space" I spun around in surprise when I heard the familiar voice. I would recognize it anywhere. Adrian?

"I thought you were gone.. Your mum messaged me, I went to your funeral... " I stopped stammering and asked out loud "Was it all just a dream?" Is it true you're still here, my cousin.

He smiled, that ridiculous smile of his... "of course it's not a dream Jess"

At this stage I was so confused. If I knew he was passed and I couldn't change it then I needed answers.

Adrian smiled at me and said come for a walk. He held out his hand in a gesture for me to walk beside him. Together we walked along the perfect sandy beach with the cool water washing away every bit of fear I had.

I looked up and said "I think I understand, were in heaven, are we not". His eyes saddened as he looked down, answered- not exactly cousin, let me explain"

We continued walking down the ocean side, the soft sand moving between my feet. Adrian said you are in hospital, on life support, mate. I looked up. what? I shook my head, trying to remember what was going on... Slowly everything was all coming back to me. The pills and alcohol I had taken the night before. I was determined to end my pain and suffering, to take the easy way, to join my cousin.

Tears filled my eyes and I could feel the anger start to rise up in my chest, I looked at him in frustration. If you got to do it, why can't I? I yelled at him. I couldn't contain my pain anymore. He chose to leave this world. You don't get to just leave.. It's not fair

Let me show you something. He clicked his fingers and we were in the hospital room where I lay on life support. I gasped, this was to much.

What is going to happen to me, I asked? Looking down.. This is what I thought I wanted. Well, he said "you get to choose, but there's more to see first"

No, I don't want to..... He clicked his fingers, and we where back at my house, in my living room.

Little eight year old girl lay, face down on the couch crying "what's going to happen to mummy? why did she do this to herself?" she asked between sobs. Her step dad rubbed her back while saying "it's going to be okay sweet heart, you're mummy loved you". I looked back at Adrian "why did you bring me here, to see this?" I want to back to the beach, to heaven. I don't want to go back to the pain...

Adrian said "You're pain isn't going to go away!" I looked confused

He replied "You're just going to pass it on to her" glancing back over to my little girl. I sunk to the floor and cried into my arms.

"The choice is yours and yours alone" I passed my pain on to other's because I couldn't see the clearer picture. You have the choice to go back.

Suddenly everything went blank, I sat straight up in the hospital bed. I was alive and never been happier. I looked around and there was my baby girl cuddled up next to me.

She looked up and her eyes gleamed "Mummy" you come back to me, I asked Adrian to look after you Mum, and he did."