Bypassing my Humanity

Since I got into spirituality I have had to face many struggles with thinking of my human nature as inferior, or somehow "in the way" of realizing God or the Divine Reality. In meditation I would sometimes have experiences where everything about myself would temporarily subside into an all-consuming peace and unconditional love. When "I" would come out of that state, everything about me seemed like a giant obstacle to experiencing that love once again.

For example, I have had to really reflect on my relationship with food and diet over the years. I became obsessed with fasting at different points in my life, and even the notion of not needing to eat at all and just subsisting on Divine energy. I felt like eating food was dragging my energy down and told myself that truly enlightened people could live on God's love alone. Thankfully, God's love manifested itself as a concerned friend who helped me realize that I was being absolutely insane, and needed to find some balance again.

Similar to food has been my relationship with sexuality, sensuality and pleasure in general. I have caught myself shutting down in these areas, telling myself that if I experience sexual attraction it will pull me into ego and cause me to "fall from grace." I would look at all the spiritual leaders who have had big sex scandals and conclude that God and human sexuality simply don't mix.

Now I see that it is about finding the right partner with whom to share a healthy sexual union. It is actually the repression and judgment of this part of ourselves that gives rise to unsavory behavior. It reminds me of a quote from Jesus from the Gospel of Thomas: "“If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.”

This can be interpreted in a variety of ways, and in this context I look at it as being like an antidote to the repression or suppression of certain parts of ourselves. If I bring forth my sexual nature to the light of consciousness it will save me from acting out on it in unwholesome ways. I can bring it forth into the context of a healthy relationship with the right woman.

We see what happens when priests and others who attempt to be celibate do not bring forth what is within them. It ends up destroying them and the lives of many others whom they abuse as a consequence of extreme denial and repression. It's like trying to keep an active volcano from erupting. Eventually the inevitable happens and scandals abound.

Another aspect of my humanity that I've struggled with is simply having fun in simple, ordinary ways. For example, at certain points on my journey I imposed these rigorous at-home meditation retreats on myself. I would attempt to meditate around the clock, or as much as humanly possible. Sometimes the urge would come up to watch a movie or play a game of chess. I would try to meditate through those impulses, even though in hindsight I realize that they were coming from an authentic place.

It was my inner child bubbling up from the miasmic nonsense of my spiritual ego trying to get me to just relax and enjoy life. When I learned to listen to these promptings, I found I could moderate my meditation and spiritual practices with a more balanced way of just learning to let go and enjoy the pleasures of life as well.

I've finally come to a place where I'm beginning to see that the Divine has created us to be fully human and enjoy all that life has to offer. Its simply a matter of finding a healthy balance amidst all the different aspects of ourselves. The days of spirituality being about bypassing discomfort and challenges are over for me, as I'm finding a new peace and joy in simply being here, as I am now.