Buried relationship

In these still moments I find my mind wandering to the graveyard of relationships long buried. While most I am happy are dead and buried one always stands out. The one that haunts me to this day. The one I destroyed from nativity of youth and pride. My last relationship had ended because my fiancé had found my poetry expressing my deepest desires and emotions. She threw it out and told me if she wanted her respect to not show emotion and be a man and suppress it. She eventually left me for a man she deemed more masculine. So, I was taught to bury my soul. I carried this knowledge to my next relationship. A funny thing about burying your soul is when you can't show or express an emotion it turns to resentment at the world. Being young and believing the stereotype that anger was the only feeling men could have I found it intoxicating. I was angry at having a job that was work I hated, I was angry at politicians who seemed to make a good living doing nothing but argue and make press conferences, and I was angry about my lot in life. I knew I could change my lot in life but, then I wouldn't be able to feel anger anymore the only emotion people deemed acceptable for a man. The next relationship saw something in me could tell I was suffering spent countless days trying to heal the pain, I carried with me. All she wanted was for me to feel safe expressing myself to her but, the lesson I had learned was ingrained to deep. I knew she wanted me to let myself feel and be whole again but, fear of losing her when she deemed me less than a man stopped me. Ironically it was this unwillingness to open up that doomed the relationship. For when she saw that I was unwilling, and it was not a matter of trust but of will that kept me this way she knew she couldn't save me and had to walk away. I was young, arrogant, and naive. This is why it haunts me. All I had to do was believe her when she told me it was ok to open up and trust that this time would be different. I threw away pure love in the name of fear and pride. I doubt she even thinks of me anymore in truth I hope she doesn't. I hope she found someone who can be what I refused to be but, still I regret the fact I had a chance at something amazing and lost it by my own fault.