Binded And Blinded

I was once a little girl with dreams. Dreams to be a fairy tale princess. to live in a big castle where the land is filled with love, beautiful animals and insects. where the food and sweet treats are of abundance. Where there will be a handsome prince waiting to take me by the hand and lead me to fantasy fulfillment. I longed for this Prince to be loving and to be a provider just like my father. I was a daddy's girl indeed. But I'd soon find out that life isn't about fairy tales, birds and butterflies. it's more about challenges and obstacles. of course, that can be conquered, but did I possess the strength and courage to do so?

Throughout my school years I realize that I was a little different. I was definitely respected and liked very much so, but there was always something missing. Not knowing what that was, I went to searching. searching for the answers to fill that void that in my mind I thought was there. Online dating and chatting had become very popular and being able to chat with guys my age or not was exciting! I could be anyone I wanted to be behind that computer or cell phone. For the time being, it was my new everyday activity.

One day, I met a boy just a couple of years older than me on a dating site called True.com. his profile picture was intriguing! He was very handsome and had a cute style about himself. He posed stooped down in a tree well-dressed for a guy our age. I really liked that. the message he sent was quite lengthy. He stated how I was beautiful and how he'd love to take me out sometime. I had never been on a date. So of course, I was game. Not actually knowing I was in for a game on the real! I was in the 11th grade attending summer school. I had no business chatting while in class.

I just couldn't wait to meet him though! we continue to text for a couple of days in the time finally came for us to meet. I'll never forget. He pulled up in a forest green Lincoln Town car just like my father had owned a couple of years prior. He was exactly how I imagined. Our conversation was great. He seemed older beyond his years, but I liked that about him. We even shared a love for the same kind of music. He was a studio owner and producer at the time. I immediately became his number one fan! I listen to his mixtapes. Let my friends hear. They weren't as into his music like I was, but he became very special to me.

I had made up in my mind that I would support him no matter what. he seemed to be very busy most of the time. I was okay with that. I knew he was a young businessman on the rise. I admired that. So much, that I started sneaking him into my father's house when he was asleep. we had sex often, which I didn't even really know what I was doing. He did. So I went with the flow. I was in love with this boy. we dated for almost a year until he started to change in character and had absolutely no time for me. that began to irritate me. we started to argue all the time. He also started to hurt my feelings about my appearance and how my father and I lacked certain things in our home.

I didn't want to let him go, but eventually we drifted apart. I moved on and started to focus on my life. I ended up dropping out of school and I needed to make something happen for myself. So I went to work. Still hopping on and off the online dating scene meeting guys. Nothing too serious. I really wasn't even looking for anything but occasional conversation. I met questionable guys but I always had a conscience and a good head on my shoulder. I just knew no one could get over on me. I really wanted to make it in life so I started classes at a technical school that didn't require me to have a high school diploma or GED.

Talk about a blessing in disguise. there, I studied Medical Billing and Coding with Administrative Assistance. I enjoyed it so much and even finished with flying colors. I acquired my first good paying job that was patient with me until I got my diploma. I was so proud! On top of that, I was moving into my very first apartment! Things were finally looking up! Now, the only thing that was missing was that special guy.

Back to online dating I guess!

There were so many guys of that site it was overwhelming! the messages were through the roof! after a few days of browsing, a familiar face appeared in my inbox. It was my ex and very first love. About 5 years had passed since I had seen him and I was so excited to tell him the good news and how I had progressed in my life. He was doing very well for himself also. He was intrigued by my growth. I also was impressed by his growth we decided to rekindle our relationship. Things were going so well we ended up moving in together. He got me off the bus and gave me a brand new car to drive. I was in love all over again! I wanted to follow in his footsteps so bad to be an entrepreneur, that I quit my job. All I wanted to do was make him proud of me.

I did so and we opened a business together. Talk about being on top of the world! It started off very rocky but things began to blossom for us. We were making money! However; Just as fast as we were making money it also began to cause more problems for us and secrets were revealed. He had been seeing another woman for a while now. I felt so hurt and so used. He even forced me out of the situation by once again disrespecting me and making me feel like I had done nothing at all to help our relationship and business grow.

He blamed me for everything! So. I packed up. And left. So depressed and embarrassed. I slept in my car because I was afraid of telling my friends and family what I had been through. I put this man on a pedestal. Above myself. Above my family and true friends. It took me years to get out of that depression. My silly self even kept taking calls from him. Just to argue and get verbally abused. To ask him for financial help. What in the world was wrong with me!? Then. I learned about the terms narcissist and empath.

That was us. It took me almost 15 years to stand up for myself. I finally told him that I wasn't going to accept his behavior anymore and I certainly wasn't going to pay him his money back because he had stolen for me for years! My creativity and my energy. I was the one that kept him alive all that time. not to mention the other women that he probably took advantage of. the most important lesson that I learned out of this experience was self-love and love for the Divine! That experience built character! With that being said, I have absolutely no regrets!