Being Married.

I said yes back in November 2018 and had a small backyard wedding of fifteen people at my mom's house on July 28, 2019.

My mom asked me, "Are you sure about this, you're sort of jumping into it."

"Yes, Mom, I've got this. No worries." I replied, oozing confidence to which she raised an eyebrow.

"Okay, Shannon. If you say so." and wrapped me up in a hug.

Fast forward to now, November 26, 2021. I've grappled with things about myself and have seen parts of me that aren't very attractive. I've also learned things about Paul; things that I didn't see when we were dating. Or rather, in those initial stages, the blinders were on and I chose not to see.

I heard something that has stuck with me and can be applied here. It goes something like this, "when someone shows you who they are, that's who they are- they aren't going to change into something you want- believe what is being shown to you and decide what your next best steps are."

In hindsight, I could easily say that marrying Paul wasn't the best idea.

I'm not going to say that though.

By saying yes, I grasped an opportunity to grow as a person and was determined to figure it out along the way- no matter what it looked like.

During those first few months after our wedding day, it was as though nothing had changed. Then I began to re-decorate the apartment and not pay so much attention to Paul. I was into painting and hanging things up, you know, settling in.

That's when I remember the arguments beginning. So, it was married in July 2019 and by December 2019 I saw signs of things dismantling.

I knew then that marrying Paul was a mistake, yet also knew it was a huge growth edge for me.

We have Paul's friend Sam over one night for dinner and conversation.

Paul leaves the room to go outside and smoke. I jump on the chance to ask Sam some things about Paul and also dig for advice on the arguing. Sam has known Paul for way longer than me and I figure she's got goodies of knowledge packed away.

"Hey, Sam, what advice do you have for me about how to get through the arguing with Paul? I'm at a loss, and he's not so nice with his words when he gets angry. How the fuck do I 'be married to Paul?'"

Sam shared something with me that has altered the way I view marriage or relationships in general. Her insight has spurred me on during many vicious arguments with Paul and it has allowed me to focus on what's most important- honoring me.

Sam looked directly at me, took my hands, and leaned in. "It is not your job to make Paul see things he's not ready to see. It isn't your job to take care of him. It's your job to love him enough to give him his own space so that he can travel his spiritual path on his terms and pace. You, Shannon, are on the path WITH Paul, yet remember, you have your path to follow. Lead by example, hold your tongue, and focus on you."

Up until that moment, I thought it WAS my job to take care of him and motivate him to move forward(AKA- nagging as some might perceive it).

I've since stopped engaging in arguments.

I've let go of my feeling responsible for Paul's decisions.

I've released the outcome of what being married to Paul is supposed to look like and have surrendered to what it actually is- or what I've come to believe; I am on my path, Paul is on his path, and we happen to be on the path together for a bit. It's not my job to heal or fix Paul, instead, it's my job to heal MYSELF so that the next best right step for my path is shown to me.

Arguments have diminished, yet there lies an undercurrent of non-spoken angry words which peek out now and then disguised as sarcasm- designed to hurt and dig at just the right places. This coming from Paul- not me. I can see that this is his defensive pattern and I'm not willing to go down that road with him any longer.

I'm laser-focused on honoring and receiving my needs, desires, and wants along my path utilizing everything I can to learn from and grow.

And I leave Paul alone so that he too can find and honor his true self.