Being Autistic in a "Normal" World

I always knew I wasn't like everyone else. I always thought I was just quiet. I learned to adapt as the "quiet girl" or the "weird horse girl". I was introduced as shy to new people often. I felt more comfortable around adults than kids my age. The world was just different for me. And it still is.

I had these special interests. Art, drawing, and horses. I was always praised by my classmates about my art skills. But when it came to my love of horses, it wasn't taken so kindly. Everything I did involved horses. The people at my church were more supportive than some of my "friends". And it didn't help when I transferred schools to a more rural area, either. I gained another special interest; chickens. But at the same time I didn't gain any friends. I was the weird new kid who didn't know anybody. Even if I did make friends, they always chose someone else over me. I was alone and the only person that really cared about me was the art teacher.

I couldn't handle being taken to school. It was so overwhelming. Trying to focus on too many different things. Not being able to concentrate. The lunch room was over stimulating with all the loud noises. My difficulties with reading and comprehension made it hard to get through the day. The art room felt like a safe haven for me until I got the chance to start working with horses. I would cry getting dropped off, it was too much. I wanted to be at home with my dad. Our chickens and dog accepted me, not everyone else. Everyone else had their fun making jokes and picking on me behind my back, and laughing at me in front of me.

I finally felt at home with the horses. Their presence was just calming. Therapy almost. I went from being mute to being able to hold a conversation; and I made friends. My friends at the barn would come and go but there I never felt out of place. It was my second home. I always looked forward to going and riding, or even just feeding and taking care of the horses. I knew I was safe there. I wasn't bullied or picked on, or left out. I had a job and a purpose; I could be proud of myself.

Middle school and high school I felt more at ease; I was accepted more, people talked to me. I also had moved to another school where there was no bullying. But the stimuli was still overwhelming. I wouldn't eat certain foods because they "made me sick", I wouldn't sit in the cafeteria because it was still to loud, but at least I could control things now. And my friends accepted me.

When my dad died my world turned upside down. You know that one special person in your life that means the world to you? That was him. We were inseparable. He wasn't diagnosed, but I believe he was autistic just like me. Our personalities matched, we had the same "problems" with stimuli, same learning difficulties, but he could better manage them; I guess it just came with time and experience. I really felt alone when he died. It was so unexpected and traumatic. That made me have more meltdowns, breakdowns, and caused me to lash out in anger. None of my friends lost a parent. I had to stay strong for my mom and brother. One of the few people that stuck by me was gone.

I carried on through highschool, through college, going through abusive relationships, different events here and there. None of my partners could understand me, they didn't understand why I couldn't express myself through words, or why I was so touch oriented, why I couldn't eat certain things, why I would latch onto certain special interests and refuse to let go. It didn't help they were abusive either. I had my horse, my friends, and my mom and brother by my side. They were there for me as always.

Things got easier but they didn't get better. I still can't handle loud noises, crowds, certain foods, certain sensations and stimuli. I get overwhelmed easily and still have trouble learning certain things. I could go on and on but we would be here for days most likely. Now I have a supportive and loving partner who accepts me and helps me when I need it. I still have my horse, all the friends who stuck with me, and my mom and brother who support me. I still see the world differently. I still don't fit in. I still get left out sometimes. I wouldn't call being autistic a "superpower" like everyone says. It's far from that. But at least I know where I stand now.