Behind the Moonlight

I remember the first time his hand brushed up against mine. We were walking home from the movie theater and every time I felt his skin against mine, I would look up at him and he would look away. It drove me crazy. We didn’t say much the entire walk home. All because his hand kept brushing up against mine. I had long since convinced myself that I was crazy because all I had wanted to do was hold his hand while we smiled at each other and stared into one another’s eyes.

The first time we kissed, we were in his bedroom. We had spent most of the day together and I had showered at his house after baseball practice. I kept glancing at his hands and his lips. His smile was something like a shooting star that showed up way too often just for me to see and every time I did I made a wish. He had stood at his window and watched his parents pull out of their driveway. I was scrolling through Netflix when all of the sudden his hands were on my cheeks and his lips were pressed against mine. I melted and gave him no protest. I knew in that moment that I would take his lips over not so subtle hand bumps any day.

He was pretty upset with himself when he pulled away, but I was always the friend that helped him keep his head on straight so I kissed him. I kept my arms wrapped around his neck and I held on because I would sink into oblivion if I let go. That second kiss felt like a full length feature and we pulled away at the same time only to look into each other’s eyes. I promised him I wouldn’t say a word to anyone, no one needed to know. I watched his inhibitions melt away and then his lips were against mine once again. We kissed so many times that evening and my head swam in the clouds for the next few days.

Months passed and the kissing never stopped as long as we had somewhere private to go. Part of the allure was keeping it a secret. We lived in a small enough town that most of everyone knew everyone and the general consensus was that boys kissed girls and girls kissed boys and being gay was not a thing anyone talked about. We knew better and so we opted to clean up the field after practice because that left the locker room to us. We had been best friends since we could walk so the time we spent together never raised suspicions. My favorite spot was deep in the woods by a brook. We would sit against a tree and I fell in love with him while nature sang to me. Between the water, crickets and the birds, the way the breeze snuck through the leaves and his heartbeat, I had my very own symphony.

I remember one night, his parents let him take their car and he drove us out past the city limits and we parked on the side of the road. We listened to some playlist he swore he didn’t make for me. It was cold outside but we kept the backseat warm enough for us to know that we had a secret worth keeping. I don’t think I had ever fully understood what happiness was until I looked into his eyes when he told me he loved me. We held each other for several unforgettable moments and then reality sunk in. It was unspoken but we both made our ways to the front of the car and the drive home was silent. He was mine and I was his, but only in secrecy. We were afraid of being pulled apart by beliefs and close mindedness. Maybe he cared about what people would say, I never asked. I only worried about being told I couldn’t be with him. We drove home, holding hands like there was a chance that we never would be able to do that again.

Things only went downhill from there. Homecoming was coming up and neither of us had a date. It was something that was on both of our minds but bringing it up seemed like something neither of us wanted to do. We couldn’t go as a couple so when he finally told me he would ask someone to be his date, I assumed it was to keep up appearances. There was always that question asked of both of us. When were we going to get girlfriends? I wasn’t the most outgoing guy when it came to social events, so when she asked me to go with her, I accepted. His demeanor towards me shifted and the “best bros” act didn’t stop when we were alone later. I had asked him what was wrong and his response was he had to get going to finish his chores. I teased him about getting a fake date before he did without even trying, but his mind must have gotten in his mouth’s way because he only told me goodnight and he walked away from me without looking back.

I didn’t see him again until Sunday school a couple of days later. He smiled at me and I smiled back and I saw the relief on his face. He mouthed he was sorry and we managed to meet up behind the church after the sermon. We didn’t talk about what was bothering him. We just stared at each other with dumb “I love you” smiles on our faces. I told him I missed him and he said he missed me too and we kissed. Just like the first time, my head swam and I swooned for this guy that had kissed his way into my soul.

Our double date for homecoming was a lot more painful than I had expected it to be. Especially when she kissed him and I thought he kissed her back. He looked at me afterwards as if to say he were sorry but there was something ugly churning inside of me and it burned my ears every time she touched him. My date had the worst night of her life and I knew this because she told me every chance she got and ended up leaving with some other guy. I called it early and head home on my own because I couldn’t sit by and watch her hands taint the man that I had fallen for. I waited all night for at least a good night, sweet dreams, I love you or an I’m sorry. I cried myself to sleep and woke up to what I thought was a dream.

I remember his voice being low and soft and smelling his home sweet home scent. Before I could even open my eyes I felt his lips against mine. The only thing I needed more than life was him, but I didn’t know how to say that. When I opened my eyes to look at him, his face said that I didn’t need to say a word. His arms wrapped around me made up for the night previous and he sang to me an apology. He promised I would never have to see anyone else’s hands on him again and even though I grumbled and expressed just how much it had upset me, I believed him.

As much as it killed me, we went on with the same way of doing things. We walked through the school halls as friends, we hid behind the moonlight as lovers. Part of my heart ached to be open and free about the love I had for him, but I knew that acceptance wasn’t anything either of us would get and I could spend countless nights sneaking around as long as it meant that I got to be with him. I could only hope that one day we could walk down the street hand in hand, openly being him and me.

I woke up one morning to a series of novels written by him displayed across the screen of my phone and I couldn’t really make sense of it. After what seemed like hours of me staring at that small screen, my dad walked through my bedroom door with a look on his face that said he was there to mess up my entire life. I remember sitting in the living room across from my secret lover while our parents discussed our not so secret activities. I didn’t cry, he did. I didn’t care about the looks or what anyone would say, but I took my seat next to him to dry his tears. I held his hand the way I had wanted to that day we made the walk home from the movies.

He had always been the one to rub my back or caress my cheek whenever my worries got the best of me. I showed him that I had no problem doing the same for him. Our parents talked to each other for a long while and the longer it took the smaller my resolve became. I didn’t want to think about a day without him, so I didn’t. I asked him if he wanted to get some air and the only response he offered was when he squeezed my hand. We stood on my front porch and I reveled in the comfort of the sun on my face and his arms around my waist. I told him I didn’t care about anything anyone had to say and he said that keeping me a secret had been a mistake. I told him I didn’t mind because it had still been time that we got to spend together.

I remember the looks our neighbors gave us through their open windows and the way my mom smiled at me. I suppose it was something from the universe, God or things just worked out the way l had needed them to because our family was supportive. Other than the lying and sneaking, they were okay with the two of us being together. We had our issues with other people and their remarks and taunts but it died down pretty quickly. We never got out of the habit of hiding under the stars whenever we made out and I was okay with that. We danced at our prom, kissed at our graduation and when we moved into our first apartment together, we hid in the closet for old times sake.