Becoming Your Mom

When I was little I was told that I was going to become a big sister. I was the only one in the house at the time and I was ready for my baby sibling to make an appearance. I have pictures, but some things stand out to me even though it all happened over 20 years ago. I remember being at the hospital with my family. I remember my momo pushing me in a wheelchair as we waited for my brother to be born. Most of all I remember when I sat on the chair next to my mom's bed and they placed my baby brother in my arms. It forever changed my life, feeling a baby in my arms. At the time I believe it sparked a little something. My mom said I acted like he was my baby. I would always be there when she was taking care of him. I was standing next to the rocking chair when she fed him, I was right there when he would wake up from nap and I wanted to make him feel better when he was upset. He was my baby.

As I got older my nurturing characteristics just kept blossoming. I had two more brothers and I was there helping and taking care of them everyday. I loved them so much and even to this day, even though they are taller than me, I still call them my babies. They will always be my first babies and everyone knows that.

When I hit my teen years I knew that my main goal was to become a loving mother some day. Obviously this was not something I openly expressed with my parents because no parent wants to hear their teenage daughter say she wants to be a mom asap. It was true though. I knew that I wanted that kind of love in my life.

I craved that special bond that I heard everyone talk about. How you never know until you have your own. I wanted it so bad. I wanted to lay there in my bed and stare at this little human that was part of me. I wanted to hear the first cry when they take their first breath. I wanted to soak in that moment when they first hand you the baby. I was constantly dreaming about when I was going to be a mom. I wanted to cuddle my baby and feed them. Give them baths and play games. Watch them sleep and touch their cheek or hold their little hand in mine. I wanted it all.

April 5th 2020. We had just lost someone very important in February, I really wish you were able to meet her. Also we were under lockdown due to a pandemic, so a very weird stressful time. That night I took a pregnancy test and found out that you were already here. My dream was finally coming true. I was going to be a mom.

Shock, disbelief and happiness flooded my entire body. See I had got it in my head that I was never going to get pregnant. Everyone makes teens believe that it is super easy to get pregnant, and maybe it is for some, but it never happened. So when I found out I was completely shocked. I put a hand to my belly and said hello, my heart already filling up with so much love, we hadn't even met yet.

My mind started to go into hyper drive. Who would you look like? Who would you act more like? Were you going to be a boy or a girl? Would you be able to tell how much I love you? Was I going to be a good mom? Was I going to be able to handle the stress and lifestyle change? My mind was spiraling, but all I did know was that I was going to love you with all my heart. I knew that no matter what I was going to take care of you and make sure you were happy and knew how much you were loved.

Fast forward past when we told every one. So many people were excited for you to come. You are the first grandbaby after all. Skip to when we found out you were a boy. I fell even more in love because let's be honest I am terrified to have a girl. As your daddy would say "too much sass." I remember crying as soon as that lame blue confetti poured over me and your dad. I was so happy and an overwhelming feeling of love crashed into me. I was finally able to start picturing who you were going to be. I was able to call you by your name.

When you were in my belly, I felt so complete. Here I was growing this little human being. I dreamt and prayed for this and now it was finally happening. I would talk to you when no one was around. I would sing to you when I was in the car. I loved videoing you kicking my belly even when it was uncomfortable, because it was just more and more proof that you were really here.

December 8th 2020. I was at my appointment and they checked and said I wasn't really dilated. December 9th, I had a regular day of work. Worked my 10 hours. I talked to a few people about if they had a feeling when the baby was coming, your due date was the 13th. That day your dad had to work late. He called and said he was going to pick up some pizza and would be home soon. I was doing some back stretches while watching tv because boy you were heavy. Your dad had just got home. I got up from the floor when I heard the garage door open. He set the pizza down and gave me a hug. All of a sudden I felt something wet run down my leg and there was a puddle growing. It wasn't as dramatic as the movies/shows, but I do remember saying over and over "something is happening!!" You decided you were about ready to come.

We eventually made it to the hospital. They determined that my water did break and they took me to my room. You were not ready just yet so they let me sleep and we waited for the next day. Also you were being a butt, you kept moving away from the sensor they put on my belly to watch you. Next morning they gave me medicine to get things going, which ended up not working. Long story short we went to the operating room. I won't lie I was out of it. I wasn't scared because they finally made all the pain go away. Your poor daddy was stressing though. They took us downstairs and they got me on the table. It's so weird being on the opposite end of that experience. Your dad finally was brought in and all I remember thinking was "I'm about to meet the legitimate love of my life."

Eventually I heard your first cry. Your dad and I instantly looked at each other and I started to tear up. As they were closing my incision, my memories started to flood back. I saw myself playing with my stuffed animals acting like they were babies. Feeding them, swaddling them, and changing their diapers. Taking care of my brothers sometimes pretending that they were my babies. Hearing so many stories about when you meet your child for the first time and yearning for that feeling myself. Finally they put me in my bed and they handed you to me. I was so nervous that first time. This was it, the moment i had been waiting for.

I brought you to my chest, and just like I had practiced all my life, kissed you for the first time and said "I love you."