Becoming Shelby

I have struggled with anxiety from a young age. Social anxiety was interpreted as shyness. Other anxieties were interpreted as being sensitive, overly emotional. And that's what I thought I was: shy, quiet, and... a bit of a cry baby.

While the people that were constant in my life probably noticed less and less as I became more myself around them, I was constantly overthinking my words (spoken and unspoken), as well as my actions. Early on, when my friends would poke fun at me, it would hurt. Sometimes I would still smile and laugh about it, or I'd brush it off, but hours would go by, days even, and I'd still be thinking about their comments.

Some of my most anxious moments I remember to this day. My heart still races, and I still feel this shame I can't get over. Those moments could have been over a decade ago, and they still affect me as if it were happening now. I had never really acknowledged how anxious I really was, until this year.

Meeting people who help you grow

2021 was a year of learning about myself all over again. I met new people, I had friends move away, and I spent more and more time with myself. I decided that I needed to like myself if that was ever going to work.

One person I met this year, who would have a big impact on my growth, had moved in next door. She's since moved out, but she played a huge role in me finding myself - even if she had no idea. I hadn't formed a new friendship like that in a long time. I've made friends through other friends, through work, and through apps, but meeting someone in person, talking to them occasionally over a long period of time, gaining their trust and forming a friendship? I hadn't done that in years.

She liked me for who I am: someone who does not bother with regular lawn care, someone who curses at her garden, someone who checks her mail multiple times during the day, and someone who is always down for a drink. Our dogs became best buds, and so did we.

Reflecting back on our friendship, I realized I didn't need to put up a front to get people to like me. She saw me in my pajamas, in sweats, no makeup on a regular basis. She saw me being silly, yelling at my dog, and eating way too much food. Things I had been self-conscious about around other people in my life suddenly seemed so trivial.

Taking care of your mental health

Similar to many others, the pandemic hit me hard. Being cooped up for long periods of time, putting on a little extra weight, financial hardships, and so many other effects from last year took a toll on me and my relationships.

For someone who had already struggled with anxiety, small bouts of depression, and PTSD, I started to really feel the weight of my world on my shoulders. I decided to reach out for help. I had tried counseling on its own before with little to no success, so I thought it was time to look into medications.

Using Cerebral, I found a care counselor and I started taking anti-depressants. I definitely have good days and bad days still, but I have more good days, and the bad days don't hit as hard.

Something else that has drastically improved my mental health in the past few months was not planned. My boyfriend and I got a dog. We weren't planning on it yet, but one was picked out for us, and after a couple of days with him, we were in love.

It's amazing to me how much a furry friend can brighten up your life. Instead of being alone during the work day (I work from home), I have a little buddy who needs fed and taken out. He keeps me from losing myself in my work for a whole day, he makes sure I get fresh air and sunshine, and he's always ready to give me kisses and cuddles when I need a little love.

Learning new things about yourself

I always thought I was an introvert. I'm "quiet" and "shy." I've often had more extroverted friends that loop me in with their friend groups...

However, through the the last year, I've really come to realize that I love being out with people. Of course, I love my alone time, and sometimes I need that to recharge. However, too much time by myself can also be taxing, and I need to go out and see people to get some of that energy back.

Over the years I've let friends and culture in general shape my opinions on what to read, what to watch, and what to listen to. One day, while I was working on a Spotify playlist, I stumbled upon an artist that I really liked, but who I never listened to. A friend of mine years ago hated that artist, and made fun of people who listened to her, so I just quit listening. I continued to avoid that artist even after that friend and I stopped hanging out.

I've spent most of my life thus far letting others influence what I do and don't like, and I allowed myself to feel shame surrounding things that I did like that others probably wouldn't. Some of the people in my life I didn't even give a chance to have an opinion because I was so afraid they would make fun of me.

I've come to realize though, true friends aren't going to think less of you just because you watch a certain TV show or listen to some random band. And who knows, maybe they like the same things you do? How will you find out if you never talk about yourself.

While this realization may seem small, it actually had a huge impact on me. I started exploring more and more music. I've read different books I would've never normally picked up. And, I found myself diving into different movies and TV shows I had avoided before. Engaging in so many different types and genres of media is fascinating, and we should all be able to enjoy what we like - guilt free.

Just be YOU

This year I found the time to listen to myself, make space for myself where there wasn't room before, and allow myself to grow.

You should be whoever you are and whoever you want to be in front of the people you care about (and in front of the world).

People may label you "untraditional" or "basic," "shy" or loud." But it doesn't matter what they think. Allow yourself to just be you.