Becoming a Better Listener When Dating

It’s not just about warm hugs and kisses.

Good listening skills and effective communication help in improving your intimacy. It pulls you and your partner closer to each other, especially when going through tough times, and it helps you thrive when your relationship is good.

There’s more honesty in a relationship when you get to talk about how you both truly feel, and it’s also a way for you to emotionally connect and empathize with each other.

Most of you might think that you’re good listeners.

Are you?

One thing you should know is that good listening requires skill. It isn’t innate. Rather, it’s learned.

The Importance of Being a Good Listener

Communication is widely understood as a way to express yourself and your feelings. But in truth, that’s only half of it.

If you’re a good listener, it becomes easier for you to understand the perspective and emotions of your partner. It helps you have constructive and meaningful conversations in addressing any issue at hand.

It also lessens the likelihood of arguments taking place and makes it less likely for you to misunderstand each other. Because you know you’re always heard in a relationship, you don’t hesitate in communicating exactly how you feel.

Indeed, becoming a better listener helps you and your relationship flourish altogether.

Building Intimacy Through Better Listening

The topics you talk about with each other are less important than the amount of communication you make. Intimacy starts with connection, and connection starts with communication.

One common misconception most of you may have is when you think that your relationship is the only thing you can talk about. In truth, it’s not just that.

As a couple, you’re supposed to be able to talk about almost anything with each other — big or small, good or bad. This way, you’re bridging gaps to be closer, rather than living your own separate lives.

This promotes intimacy no matter how far apart you may be. Make this more effective by allotting time for each other and appreciating when they have conversations with you.

But what if it feels like you don’t have the time to do so?

Well, that’s all the more reason for you to build up intimacy. Even though you’re occupied for most hours of the day, use the little time you have for each other.

How to Be a Good Listener

The benefits of being a good listener lie in having a healthier and more fulfilling relationship.

Here are a few things you should do to become a good listener:

1. Validate what they’re telling you.

Validating their emotions means understanding what they’re saying and knowing why they’re saying it. This should be your goal.

They should feel that their words matter to you, especially their feelings. It’s a way for them to trust you and know that you’re someone whom they can reach out to.

You can express validation by using these statements:

• I’d exactly feel that way, too.
• I understand where you’re coming from.
• I can see why you’re feeling this way.
• I’d surely do the same thing you did.
• I understand why you reacted that way.

2. Be more understanding of them.

You can’t be a good listener if you don’t understand what they’re trying to express.

To achieve this, clarify with them. Ask them if there’s something you find hard to understand. This way, you avoid misunderstanding them, and you won’t be perceived as a passive listener.

Below are a few statements you can use:

• Can you say that one more time?
• I want to make sure I understand you, so you’re telling me that…
• Can you tell me what happened again?

3. Show them genuine care.

Validating and understanding them is one of the prime indicators that you care about how they feel. In relationships, it’s basically important.

Treating and talking to them in an affectionate manner is one way to show care. Constantly being there for them is also one.

It’s helpful to use these statements:

• I’ll gladly be here for you.
• If it’s important to you, it’s important to me, too.
• What matters to you matters to me as well.
• I’m sure we can do something about that.
• I’ll always help you when I can.
• If you need help, you can always come to me.

At the same time, mirroring their positive feelings also helps in showing care. So be sure to put on a smile when they’re feeling like this.

4. Don’t be easily distracted.

Distractions hinder your ability to focus on them, making you a bad listener. It doesn’t help at all and will only defer further communication in the relationship.

When they’re trying to tell you something, put down everything and pay attention to them. If you’re in the middle of something that’s really important, let them know that you will be there right away once you’re free.

Communication doesn’t have to be hard in relationships. All you’ve got to do is be honest and considerate.

5. Be mindful of your body language.

Listening isn’t only limited to letting someone talk to you. You listen with your body, as Orbuch said. Some of the most common nonverbal cues that tell you’re listening to someone are eye contact and a closer lean.

Effective listening starts with being physically and mentally present.

6. Learn to actually listen.

Most of the time, you’re not actually listening to someone talk, you tend to be too busy building your own case.

Remind yourself that you’re a couple and not debaters. Don’t focus on the things you disagree with just so you can express your opinion later on.

Doing so will only dismiss the conversation and they’ll feel invalidated at some point. Hold back your thoughts and emotions and work hard on considering their point of view.

A Good Lover is a Good Listener

Simply not anyone can just listen.

If you truly want to make the relationship work, improve your communication by being a good listener. At the same time, teach them to be good listeners, too.

In a relationship, it’s not only you who has to listen. You have to be heard as well.