Be the best version of yourself

This is Part 2 of an article that I wrote in 2020 about Jake and my relationship.

Let's recap: Jake was an online man I met in May 2019. Despite the fact that our relationship was sporadic at best and only resulted four dates, I fell in love with him. Although I tried my best to maintain a relationship with him in the beginning, he suddenly texted me in February 2020 that he didn't feel like it was a good idea at the time. His decision was not my fault. He had a busy life and dating wasn't a priority.

So I decided to wait for him for three months more, just to give him space.

We all know how terrible March was.

Needless to mention, I had a lot to reflect upon in the first months of the pandemic. All my free time was spent walking along the trail next to my apartment and contemplating everything, from friends to work to relationships.

Jake was less important to me as time went by. Although I thought fondly about our time together, when I needed a sweet escape, it became clear that these fantasies would remain fantasies. It became clear that I wasn't going to be able to contact Jake soon and that our lives would remain apart for the foreseeable future.

I returned to the dating scene in May 2020. My hopes were raised a few times. I worked at home throughout spring and summer, gradually becoming agitated, while unlocking my phone in the hope of receiving a new message.

It was both a beautiful and terrifying mountain range to traverse. After a guy raised my hopes, I slid down, then rushed back up to a new conversation with another man. This pattern continued for many weeks. It was almost impossible to change, with the same emotional bruises following each connection.

On July 15, I was writing an article in my shaded patio chair, when I noticed the profile that had changed everything.

Mark, the man we will call him, was respectable, well educated and kind. His blonde hair was neat and he had beautiful blue eyes. He looked like a true Minnesotan, if his hometown is to be believed. Although the man clearly enjoyed learning and being active, I didn't feel it sent a tornado of butterflies through my stomach. That was, admittedly, the first sign I needed to move on and continue my search.

But...there was something I loved about this profile.

My favorite guys were the fandom nerds. They watched many movies, played D&D and attended conventions. Mark was clearly a geek (he had a Ph.D., two postdocs and was a professor). His first photo showed him wearing a classic blue pullover jacket. Another picture featured him wearing a blue Tshirt and round glasses. An academic nerd may be more attractive than a fandom one in certain cases, such as Mark's.

His eyes were filled with such kindness and knowledge. Their kindness was what finally drove me to contact him.

We had our first date ten days later on July 25, 2005.

We had our second date a week later.

We had our third week of the second.

Et cetera.

Mark and I had a great time dating, which was a welcome break from my WFH routine. Mark and I always found something to do, and we were constantly introduced to each other's interests. Mark was once again different than my other matches. I still had doubts about whether I was attracted to him.

Previous matches had started a fire right away under me, but this one...simmered much more than it burned.

Mark's friendship was something I valued, but I wondered if it would ever lead to anything more. I worried that I was wasting Mark's time if it didn't lead to something romantic. I debated how to deal with it.

Now, fast forward to August 12, 2012.

I was probably writing when I received a text message at 2 p.m. I was lying on my bed and I had just finished writing. Although there was no name attached to the number, the fact that the sender called my name caught my attention.

It was Jake.

It was possible to say that I had forgotten all about Jake by this point. In my confusion over Mark's attraction, I wondered what Jake was doing.

His message was long and detailed how he had been reflecting on how things ended in February six months ago. He stated that he was ashamed of how he treated me and had cried about it. He didn't say anything about wanting to be together again; he wanted to make sure I was okay and that there weren't any hard feelings over what had happened.

I was so shocked that I stared at my phone. I was unable to see the words but my thoughts were racing.

I couldn't help but feel humbled. Jake thought of me even after all the time. I felt pity for Jake, as he had even wept over our final separation.

This was the question I had to answer.

I was still reeling so I pulled out my laptop and began to write a reply. As I was word-vomiting all the things I had never said to Jake onto the doctor's doc, I noticed something that made me smile and then make me cringe.

I was in a love triangular relationship with Jake and Mark.

But I knew that this harlequin drama about two men choosing between them was going to have serious consequences. One of these men would be gone by the end of the evening.

It was nearly 6 p.m. by the time I had written my heart out for Jake. I decided to go for a walk and reflect on the situation. Before I made my final decision, I must have walked my neighborhood at least six more times.

I had thought about giving Jake another chance. I was reminded of the butterflies he used induce in me and the thought of having another go with him sounded very promising.

A third try, even if painted with the faint rosiness, frankly exhausted possibility, seemed like one too many. Many times I had tried to open my heart to Jake only to have him walk away or remain silent. Finally, my patience with him was wearing out.

Mark was the other thing that kept my feet on the ground.

Mark has been faithful so far. He was smart, funny, and most importantly, kind. Although I didn't consider myself to be in love with him, there were so many things about him that I appreciated. He was reliable, I knew where I stood and he listened. These are all qualities I didn't have with Jake.

This stability and the opportunity to still get to know Mark was what drove me to tell Jake everything I didn't get to say, as well as that it was goodbye. I have never entertained the idea of us ever getting back together.

It hurt, but it was not painful. When I sent Jake my last message, I was a little emotional. It was all for the best.

Before I went to sleep that night, I erased all information about Jake from my devices, including all photos and conversations. I would make Jake disappear from my life if I wanted to move forward. I couldn't allow myself to look back, when another man was waiting for me.

Mark and I fell in love over time. We are still together at the time of writing. Part of this is due to the fact that I gained self-respect and decided not to chase Jake again. I decided that I would rather chase me than a guy who wouldn't share my effort in a relationship. I chose to pursue a chance that I believed in and not follow the same primrose trail.

Sometimes, you have to hurt yourself to see what is important and where your limits lie. Even those of us who have lots of love (lust) and rose-colored glasses can get hurt. They are there to be shared. You can only keep your heart open for so long that you reach the point of no returning.