Back in First Place

I stumbled into the apartment and sat on the sofa next to the window. Removed my tweed jacket, slid my shoes off and leaning back fumbled for my cell phone and dialed the most recent number.

“Hey um…I know it's late but I just wanted to say I had a really wonderful time with you. I'm back at my flat by the way, it was a lovely walk home. It's been a long time since I've been on a date with a beautiful woman. At our age it’s hard to break the paradigm we build for ourselves. You are such a beautiful and intelligent woman. I also wanted to apologize for getting so closed off when talking about my ex-wife. I, well, I have been having issues understanding where it went wrong … I hope you know it’s okay, I'm not upset and I hope you aren't either. I really haven’t spoken with anyone about it in recent years but I want to talk to you. Anyways you have a really beautiful singing voice, I noticed when you started singing that song the one that goes "need you tonight 'Cause I'm not sleeping" I always admired people who could sing well. I know I'm rambling on but I just wanted to say thank you and tell you I had a great time and I hope you did too. I remember you said you liked Merlot and I just found a bottle in my kitchen, so um if you’re open to a second date maybe I can cook you dinner and we can share the bottle. I can’t believe that you knew my friend Berny from the theatre and we were never introduced. It’s pretty bizarre but anyhow, I'm glad we finally did meet it not every day that something like this happens. You make me feel very alive and it’s refreshing. People now are so strange, like what seems important now is so uninteresting. And also we both lived in Belgium at the same time, how remarkable. Well anyways Anne I um, give me a call if you want and we can see each other again if our schedules, you know I’ll make something work if anything, yeah. Good night thank you again. You are splendid. Bye”

I put my hand over my face and groaned . "Hi Anne, it's Mr. Big mouth", I said to myself and I leaned down and placed my phone on the carpet by my feet, loosened my tie and leaned back. I looked out at the street illuminated by scattered orange lampposts and the occasional passing cars. What if that was too much too early, I probably messed it up, I definitely was too forward.

I stared at the dark screen on my phone for a period of time then up at the Rothko print on my wall. Even though it was a reproduction I still felt like I could feel a body present in the strokes. They looked aged, heavy and every layer of the color added weight to the previous. I could see my tired face on the reflection in the glass frame, a red silhouette.

There was a photograph of Cheryl, my ex-wife in the drawer next to the sofa. Nine years doesn’t feel like long when you go through the motions. Being promoted to the tenure position I wanted at the architecture firm meant that my life had gone the way I wanted it to. I could still draft with minimal computer work and it really brought me joy.

Nine years catches up. I recall Cheryl asked me if I’d give up 10 years of my life for riches. She always asked these silly questions and they would make me laugh due to their spontaneous nature. I remember immediately denying that I would, not even being able to imagine why someone would, but I've realized now that my only focus this far was controlling the one thing I knew I could control. Making money was simple once I set my time to it but it took 9 years away. I let go, let go of everything I was afraid that I couldn’t control. I feel like I have so much control of my life that I am starting to lose it.

Fifty one years of age was feeling less abstract given the nature of understanding limitations. I sat back down on the velvet couch and looked down at my phone again . It was naïve of me to think that a person could bring something back in me. Something that has been dormant for a decade. I guess I was afraid of what it means to be divorced and still feeling like I haven’t experienced enough of love. I was like a veteran still at war in my head. Was I jaded to think that there's no sense in trying. But when you’re in it, it’s more real than anything. It becomes more real than the past. More present than the future.

It had been a while but part of me wanted some form of external change. Maybe meeting Anne was my way of looking forward. I made my way to the bar table and poured myself a glass of bourbon, placed it on the glass table and sat back down. It was dangerous to think that I could find joy in someone else. I was afraid I’d lose it again, regardless I was way too forward.

I sunk deeper into the sofa and woke up to the sun coming through the window. I made a pot of coffee, poured the remaining bourbon into the steamy brew and grabbed the paper from the front porch. I leaned down and picked up the cell phone and noticed I had a missed call and a voice message From Anne’s number.

“Good morning Jeff, I also enjoyed myself last night. Sorry for not answering my phone, I was so tired and well, I fell asleep on my sofa, anyways, you aren’t too bad looking yourself and it feels like last night was the first good date I've had in a long time. It is rare how much we have in common, you’re really easy to talk to as well. Anyways I am off to meet up with the girls for a painting class but am very interested in that bottle of merlot. Give me a call later this week, you’re sweet, bye."

I looked at the Rothko and noticed a grin reflecting on the glass staring back at me. A wine colored silhouette glowing from the morning sun.