Red Sonder

My grandfather, who I called Pops, leaned forward from his wooden chair as if to tell me something. The holes on his wool, hay like, sweater expanded as he crossed his arms and rested them on his knees. His tired eyes looked at me and he exclaimed “I always knew something big would come of you, didn’t think it would be as curious as this”. He chuckled and leaned back with a worked up look on his face. “well son’ he said, “you have a big decision to make here and whatever in hell you decide to do you make sure to tell yourself it’s the right thing”. I looked down at my knees spread wide by a black leather bag stacked tight with Ben Franklins. There it was, on top of all of it the little black notebook.

My family had never had much money to their name, I was a 4th generation farmhand. My father had retired at 51 due to a shoulder injury and held a small apartment in town where he got by as a bartender. My grandfather and I still lived out in the small ranch house off the old creek. There wasn’t much there save for 2 skinny mustangs and a small watermill that made tourists stop and take photos as they drove by in their minivans and RVs. I stayed to take care of grandpa and worked on the fields a few miles south. Farming had changed, especially since my grandfather’s time. He liked to tell me this every time we sat on the old porch sharing a bottle of Jim Bean that I’d eventually have to break away from his sleeping body, hand tight as a corpse. If it wasn’t too cold I’d bring out a couple of blankets and start a small fire in the pit I built the previous summer. Waking up on those mornings was like nothing else.

When I was in town I’d do my best to not bump into my father. He and I had gotten into it after the way he treated mother. I told him that she left to get away from him and every woman deserved a man who wasn’t a mean drunk. He was drunk and he punched me. Tell you the truth, I was lookin for a fight. My girlfriend Shay gets mad at me for never going to his bar because even though there are 2 other bars in town she thinks we need more places to go. She’s a pretty, young thing. Looks older than she is but cause she tries is all. She’s got a walk and talk so mean it’ll turn any man’s tie into a noose. Lucky for me I don’t wear ties too often.

Last time I wore a tie was for grammas funeral, it was raining. Rain for us is a blessing, but paired with having to wear black, a tie and dress shoes in the red mud it felt absurd. Much like grammas jokes and mean remarks coupled with a heart of gold. The rain was warm which was unusual for this area.

Shay wanted to go to see one of the bands play at the town venue. We booked our tickets and she told me she’d meet me there so she’d have time to get ready. I figured it would take long enough so I took the horses out to the pen so my grandfather and I could get a ride in before sundown. I’d never seen a man so in control on a horse like he was. I know him and gramma used to ride out together. He told me he always thought he knew how to ride until he met her. She was barrel racing the first time he laid eyes on her, not far from where my date was tonight. I finished up and took the horses into their stalls. My grandfather came out of the house and handed me a small box. “Happy birthday Chuck” he said to me and pulled me in for a hug. I opened the box and pulled out a small pen knife and a small object wrapped in cloth. I unwrapped it to find one of the largest bear claws I’d ever seen. “Those were two of my most prized possessions when I was younger, the bear claw is for good luck and the knife, well that’s for when you run out of luck”. We both laughed and I hugged him again and muttered, “Thanks pops”.

I put them in the pockets of my jeans, sprayed two spritzes of cologne and made my way to the truck. It was getting chilly so I decided to bring two jackets, one for me and one for Shay in case she was too cold. She liked it when I did, says it’s “real thoughtful”. Nobody from town was too wealthy else we’d live elsewhere but we were rich in kindness, least that’s how my mother used to put it. The drive wasn’t long and I hadn’t realized just how popular tonight’s venue was going to be till I arrived at a filled up parking lot. It was like everyone living in the town below 40 was here.

I walked in to see Shay had tied a bunch of balloons to the area she was sitting by the bar, she was surrounded by a few old friends from the high school we had been to. Many of which had moved away for or after college. “Look who it is”, Bradford who I hadn’t seen in 3 years called out in delight. Shay came over to me and kissed me and said, “I wanted to surprise you, hope you don’t mind,” and walked me to the rest of the group. If it hadn’t been for pops giving me that gift I would have completely forgotten it was my birthday. Band started playing and Shay and I danced on the main floor. Her small eyes nearly disappeared behind her smile. Her shiny brown, curled up hair danced along the side of the little red bandana she tied over her forehead. The song ended too quickly and the following song was too fast for me to dance to. By this point I had already had a few beers and I found myself needing to use the bathroom. I pushed past the swinging door of the men’s room and stumbled over still dancing to the last urinal. A man walked in not long after. He was dressed in a dark maroon suit, pointy gator boots and a long white ponytail. His aroma filled the bathroom and I wanted to mention it but didn’t seem appropriate to complement a man’s smell while standing next to him in a urinal. I finished up and we both washed our hands. “Howdy”, I said. “Happy birthday” he said, “fun little party out there”. I smiled and said thank you. He turned and headed towards the door. I looked next to me at the sink and noticed he left a small black notebook. I quickly dried my hands and made for the door with it. I looked around all night but no sign of him. I made my way to the bar and told the tender, “The gentleman next to me in the bathroom left this on accident”. The tender looked at the dirty old book and said “I’m sorry but I’m not touching that thing.” I slipped it into the back pocket of my jeans in case I saw the man again.

Next morning Shay woke me up by opening the curtains. It was my day off and we could spend it in town. She took the day off work so we could spend it together and made me breakfast in bed. Apparently she had made a ruckus in the kitchen but I was too tired from the week and the night before to realize. She rented a small place in town and worked for her family’s clothing store. The occasional tourists would stop by and she loved hearing their stories about California, the beaches and anywhere else but here.

I looked down at my jeans on the floor. The coarse lips of the notebook revealed the pages like the teeth of a smiling horse. I leaned forward far enough to reach the notebook from the bed and got back in the covers. Normally I would have put something like this off but the strange way that man was dressed paired with the unusual nature of our interaction filled me with curiosity. I opened the book and was met with a blank first and second page. The third page however had the words “chapter 1” written on it. I turned the page and began to read aloud so Shay could hear. By the time I got to the 10th page of the little notebook she was so interested she lay at the foot of the bed and was touching the blanket nervously. Page eleven, chapter two. I closed the book and she protested “wait a minute you’re not going to make me wait are you?” “Come here, you” I said. “You’re too pretty for me not to bother you”. “But we have to find out what happens in chapter two” she said. I was interested myself so I agreed to one more chapter.

By the time we made it out of her apartment it was noon. We walked over to the diner next to the Benton’s shop, as in Shay Benton, her parents’ shop. I dusted off my hat and placed it back on to meet the slight tan line on my forehead. I felt the small black book in my pocket as I walked. It felt heavy despite it being small. Shay sat across from me in our usual spot. She looked at me with a serious face. I looked at her with a smile and asked, “Hey Shay what’s gotten into you?” “Ever wonder if there’s something really out there” she replied “you know, like in that little notebook.” “Think about how happy people would be if they believed something like that.” “Guess I hadn’t seen it that way” I told her. “People like me don’t have time to think about things like that”. “What do you mean People like you”, she said “I’ve known you since you were young and you’ve had that sparkle too, I see it when you look out at the fields or a sunset, sometimes when you look at me.” “I guess so but to imagine a place like that, that kind of peace” I replied “well see there ain’t nothing out there but work. No matter which road you take east or west work finds you there, faster than light as they say.” “But Chuck, what’s in that book, it’s beyond what you’re saying, and just because we work hard doesn’t mean we can’t find that kind of peace just knowing. The world needs to know what’s in that book, this town needs to know.” “Don’t be silly” I said “It’s not mine to share.”

Driving home that night I thought heavily about what Shay said. I guess it wouldn’t hurt for more people to have a piece of what I had found but it didn’t feel right sharing someone else’s words as my own. I Showed the little black book to my grandfather when I arrived home. I offered to read him a part of it. By the time I got through reading the second chapter I looked up to find him in tears. It was the first time I had seen him cry. There really was something there in those words.

Shay called me the next day and said her father was well acquainted with Kurt who ran the local radio station. She said that her father would suggest to him for me to go on the radio and ask who the notebook belonged to. I’d never been on the radio before and wasn’t too keen on the sound of my own voice but the idea of returning the notebook made sense. Even someone traveling through would tune in since we were the only station for miles.

I figured it would be a good way to reach the man who’d lost the notebook. I asked my grandfather whether he thought it was a good idea. Later that night I spoke to Shay. She said she’d taken the liberty to reach out to Kurt and that he was intrigued enough from her description of the book. “Someone ought to keep an eye on you” I said and laughed. I put down the phone and walked outside, leaning on the porch next to pops looking out at the fields. My clothes were filthy from the day of work but something about the cold night air cleansed me.

The work week approached its end and I was thinking about the book and Shay and for the first time in a long while I thought about the future. Time till this point seemed to repeat itself at the start of the week and I found comfort in it. However there was a strange feeling of hopeful longing that came from the words in that book. Something that put a sparkle in Shay’s eyes. A sort of gospel for those lost in their own ideas.

Shay and I walked into the small studio hand in hand. Kurt welcomed us in kindly, he offered us a coffee and I happily accepted. We sat down in front of two microphones. I was nervous, had Shay not been there I would have most likely walked myself out. Kurt saw me sitting awkwardly as if my belt had been pulled too tight. He looked over at me and said, “Relax son, we’re just two friends talking”. The low and deep hum of his voice calmed my nerves momentarily. Shay looked over at me and smiled. We waited for the song that was playing to end and Kurt began to talk into the microphone. “Well here is a story that might interest some of you folks. Sometimes we find ourselves with unexpected circumstances, recently I was approached about a young man who landed upon some literature, now he was kind enough to want to share it in the case that the mystery man who misplaced it wished to claim it. Now if you recognize the writing just give us a call and we’d gladly connect you to the finder. Without further ado would you introduce yourself to our listeners?” “Howdy”, I said. “My name is Chuck”. “Welcome to the station Chuck now your lovely lady Shay said you do farm work”. “That’s right sir, um I work at the Baker farm”. I froze for a moment not knowing what else to say. Kurt broke in “The Baker farm is a pretty important part of this town’s history son. You’re doing good work. I know your grandfather is proud of how well you seem to be growing up, I recall meeting you when you were very young. Now tell us about the notebook.” “Yes sir, it was um, my birthday and I was out with Shay at the Old-timer’s bar a couple of blocks from here and a gentleman I’d never met before left it”. “What a curious coincidence a traveling man leaving that behind. Now to describe the book to our listeners, this old black notebook has certainly had some use. Would you mind reading us something so whoever left it behind can identify it?” “Um sir, I’m sorry but I’m not sure if the gentleman that left it behind would like his words read over the radio.” “That is noble of you son but only a few pages will do, it will help Identify whoever left behind.” Shay looked over at me and nodded her head with a smile. ”I guess so, however my only intention is to return it to the intended owner”. I began to read, I had read through it so many times before that the words began to feel like my own. I could almost recite it. Kurt looked astonished by the time I finished reading chapter one. “Well son that is quite the literature, I’ll give a moment for our listeners to gather their thoughts and then we will open up the line for callers to let us know if they have any information on who it might belong to. We will take a small music break and open up the lines for calls at the end of this next tune. Now thank you Chuck for reading that for us. I’m sure there are people in this town who needed to hear those words.” “Now sir I just want the rightful owner to have his book back.” “Well that noble of you son, hopefully whoever it belongs to can hear your desire to do good. Thanks again for coming on the show, let’s get these tunes going”. I stayed seated and listened for a moment as the music played. Kurt seemed to be thoughtfully invested in the music and the 3 of us sat quietly for a moment. Kurt turned to me and began to ask questions about what was in the book, who the man was and wanted to know about the following chapters. I said that it was not mine to share but if he was interested I could read him more off the air. “That would be fantastic son, wisdom never hurts” he said to me. As soon as the song ended Kurt went back on the air and before he could say a word the phones started ringing. “Well it seems like we have our callers lining up.”

Shay and I waved to Kurt and he shook my hand and mouthed, “thank you”. I nodded and walked out. Shay followed me outside and kissed me. “See, that wasn’t too bad” she said. “It wasn’t” I said even though I still felt guilty about reading on the air. Still the liveliness the book seemed to instill in others was a good thing and it is worth sharin.

The following day continued just like any other. One hard day’s work followed by a quiet evening in the desert. I told my grandfather about my time at the station. He asked me if anyone had claimed the little black book. No I said but there were a lot of callers at the station. I walked inside to fetch pops a cup of warm cider. As I walked out the telephone rang. I answered and Shay nervously said that she had something to ask me. “Sure love what is it?” Shay replied “well, I got a call from the station” “Did they find the owner of the book?” “No but they are getting a lot of calls so any day now, anyways Kurt wanted you to read the second chapter this weekend for the station.” ”Shay I’m sorry but those words ain’t mine to share.” “One of the callers at the station offered to pay ten thousand dollars to be able to hear the next part. Chuck, do you know what this means? Chuck?” “Ten thousand dollars” I said to myself. “That’s a lot of money” “It is” said shay. “Still those words ain’t mine to sell.” “That might be right but those words aren’t hurting anyone, plus you need the money Chuck. Maybe we could get a place of our own” “What about pops?” “Well he can come with us silly”. I chuckled at her reaction “I guess I’ll ask him about it”.

“Promise me you’ll think about it.”

“You got it. “

“I love you.”

“I love you too”. I walked back out of the kitchen with a hot mug brimmed with cider. “Hey pops, I got a question to ask you…”

The weekend came and I returned to the station with Shay. I went on air again and read chapter two. Kurt thanked me for my time and came up to me and handed me an envelope. Ten thousand in cash. I looked over at Shay and smiled. Kurt then turned to me and said “Shay told me you were bent up about taking this money but the people who gave it to you wanted to, plus you’re doing a good thing here, that book has something we all need.” He leaned in for a hug and walked back into the studio. I had never held that much cash before. It felt strange driving back home that night with it. I hid it in a small box under my bed, I didn’t know what to do, there were things around the house that needed to be fixed but I didn’t know where to start. I sat outside, pops chuckled and shook my hand. “Congrats son, you’re richer than me now.” “I don’t know about that pops, all I’ve ever needed is out here” I pointed at the sun setting over the horizon. He looked over at me and said, “There’s much the same out there but there’s more to life than workin for your wages son. A stone settles where it lands, make sure it’s you that choses where it’s thrown.” “Thanks pops.” I replied.

I drove the truck to the tractor supply. Bought some feed for the horses, and some wire to fix the fence. On the way picked up some roses for Shay along with a new necklace, gold with a single blue stone. Stopped by the hat and boot store and got pops a new Stetson. On the drive home I stopped by to surprise Shay. She was working the evening shift which normally wasn’t too busy so I decided to give her some company. By the time I returned home the sun had already set. There was a shiny black ford truck parked in the driveway. I stepped out of my truck with the hat box under my arm and walked into the house to find my grandfather seated with a man in a suit wearing a silver bolo and a large moustache. He stood up and shook my hand. “It’s good to meet you Chuck, I was just talking with your grandfather about the book you found, I heard about it on the local station. My name is Nelson, I am in charge of the statewide radio channels and wanted to meet you in person.” “See we have had people sending us requests to hear about the book statewide, even one national request.” He opened up his laptop and showed me a recording of my time at the station along with a lengthy newspaper article. “People need to hear more of this, and there are investors willing to publish the work and pay a lot of money to listen to you read the rest of the story.” I was frozen, my stomach began to feel funny and my feet felt as though they were sinking into the ground. I finally was able to mutter, “thank you sir but these words are not mine to share. I need some time to think about it.” The gentleman hands me a black leather bag and says, “Maybe this will help you make up your mind. My card is inside.” He walked towards my grandfather and shook his hand. My grandfather walked him out and sat back in his chair. I took the bag and unzipped it. I sat down next to him and took the notebook from out of my shirt pocket and put it inside of the bag.

Pops, leaned forward from his wooden chair as if to tell me something. The holes on his hay like, wool sweater expanded as he crossed his arms and rested them on his knees. His tired eyes looked at me and he exclaimed “I always knew something big would come of you, didn’t think it would be as curious as this”. He chuckled and leaned back with a worked up look on his face. “well son’ he said, “you have a big decision to make here and whatever in hell you decide to do you make sure to tell yourself it’s the right thing”. I looked down at my knees spread wide by a black leather bag stacked tight with Ben Franklins. There it was, on top of all of it the little black notebook.

My grandfather passed away 9 years later of a heart attack, last thing he said to me was, “open the window son, I want to see the horses play“. I purchased a few acres of land close to the city where I was living. I however spent most of my time traveling and reading from the notebook at conventions and running interviews for radio and television. Shay got tired of the travels and decided she wanted to settle down. After 6 months on the road she left to start her own clothing business, she’s now married and has two children. We occasionally call to see where life finds us. My father, after finding out about my fortune asked me for some money, I bought him a house in town so he’d be able to walk to the bar and grocery store whenever he pleased. He would write to me occasionally until one day the letters stopped, I hadn’t heard anything of him since.

It has now been 46 years since I found the little black book. Though it’s been a long time since my touring days I am still traveling for leisure. I purchased a few farms throughout the west that I will visit on my travels, often returning to my ranch to ride and write. I was driving through the rainy roads somewhere south of Seattle. I had been keeping a small black notebook of my own. Through the rain I made out a sign for a small bar. There were quite a few trucks parked outside. I walked in and sat at the bar for a coffee. I asked the waitress where the nearest hotel was and she pointed me to a small stop 2 miles away from the bar. There was a group of people cheering and laughing gathered at the center of the bar. It seemed to be someone’s birthday. I asked the woman where the restroom was. I placed a 20 under the cup and made my way there. A young man stumbled in and stood in the furthest urinal on the right. I walked over to the sink and began washing my hands, placing my black notebook on the sink next to me. He came by and started washing his. “Happy birthday” I said to him. “Thank you sir”, he replied. “Pretty lucky to have the friends that I have”. I nodded, smiled and walked towards the door. Pulled my red suit jacket over my head to keep the rain from soaking my shirt.