by Char Beard 2 months ago in single

(Better-Off-Staying-Single) Mentality


“I wish I could be married to more than one woman at a time.” “Do you need a man to make more money than you?” “You should let me give you a baby. Every woman needs to have at least one child.” “Why haven’t you been married? You put career first?” “You seem like you would give a man problem.” “You make me think too hard… I don’t want to think that hard.” “You’re stubborn.” “You should just let a man save face—even though you know he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” “There’s nothing wrong with a woman being the one to take care of a man.”

These are just some of the statements or questions that have been directed to me by men. Considering I heard all these words for the first time after the age of 30, I was taken back a bit because I thought men in the same age group had their heads in a different place. Now if you’re reading this and want to jump down my throat about that statement—hold up! I know that not all men are the same. However, these words reflect the caliber of men that have crossed my path. I have heard some people say that you attract what you are. I believe that we need to stop making this statement to women whom we don’t know—we don’t truly know what or WHO they are. “You attract what you are” sounded good when someone first said it and so we just keep repeating it without truly dissecting it for all cases.

There is ancient text that tells us to believe the best of everyone—it is one of the qualities of “love in action.” However, I have had to learn to “stop” giving men the benefit of the doubt when I see repetitive negative patterns. Those of us who are always ready to believe the best more easily than others tend to be mistaken for naïve when in actuality, we are very aware of what we see and just too nice to drop the axe more quickly, thinking “surely they won’t do xyz again.” In the past, the problem with me has been that when the axe finally dropped, you didn’t want to stick around to see me recover it from the wood. There is something to be said about men (or any person for that matter) that will take and take, lie and lie and then become shocked because they thought you were oblivious the whole time and are now wondering what your rage is about. You just encountered a tea kettle that was boiling over time and finally hit a high-pitch whistle!

After stepping into full time entrepreneurship, a year ago, I have found that I have less time and less energy to care how the opposite sex perceives me. So, I give less thought now than in the past to my singleness. Would I love to be in a relationship that leads to marriage? Of course, I would. However, like the saying goes, “I can do bad all by myself.” I don’t need to subject myself to any “pretend” relationships for the sake of saying, “I have a man” or hearing fake flattery. Also, just know that you will never hear me say I am, “better off staying single.” I just know from the long-standing relationships I have witnessed up close how things should be between a man and woman. The drama and buffoonery I have personally encountered with men—ain’t it.

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Char Beard

Char is a weekly feature writer for a St. Louis community newspaper. She also is an independent writing consultant for media, business and personal ventures.

See all posts by Char Beard