Attention Whiners and Complainers

Attention Whiners and Complainers:

I must make it known that, while I seem to be some kind of alien from another planet for even considering this idea, the unpopular opinion that I am about to share is a necessary truth that has too long been ignored, left to rot in the attic. Too long has it been stuffed away, buried under years of dust, discarded newspapers, and old love letters with faded tear stains from the few times they were encountered unexpectedly and lamented over because their words no longer seem to ring true for disillusioned married women who range from miserable to somewhat-satisfied in their relationships.

Marriage is NOT hard.

Let me be upfront about the fact that I am not yet married, though I hope to be in less than four months. I have been in a relationship with my fiance, David, for more than two years and I adore him with all of my being. My relationship status notwithstanding, I am sick to death of the platitudes and unsolicited advice about marriage and its challenges. To everyone who claims “marriage is hard,” I kindly request that you shut your mouths and never traverse the topic again. However, let me also add a disclaimer that this opinion does not apply to anyone in an abusive relationship, which is a valid reason for separation (not divorce or annulment) within the Catholic Church, according to a blog post on Catholic Annulment (Catholic Annulment - Another Chance).

To everyone who claims “marriage is hard,” I want to inform you that you are doing it wrong. Was marriage invented with the intention of serving a woman’s every wish and whim, regardless of how absurd her demands might be? Let me clearly dictate that the answer to that question is ‘no.’ Marriage vows, whether individually written or prescribed, are supposed to be an undying oath to love and serve another human being for as long as they both shall live. This might be a difficult promise to make if people marry for any reason other than love, however, because of the fact that it is not 1472 anymore, most people have the option of marrying for love and therefore can choose who they are making these vows to.

Let me define a key term here: to “love” has never, in any context, been intended to mean that a woman should reign as the almighty queen of her castle and her husband should be her subservient court jester to entertain her, knight in shining armor to constantly safeguard her, and serf to provide for her with his endless taxes to her, crops, and slave labor. I would like to propose a new, although highly logical, definition of “love." To “love” ought to mean to “sacrifice." The world must adopt this definition and attitude that true love means sacrificing everything of oneself out of love for the good of another person. To truly love means to die to oneself, die to pride, die to every selfish desire, all in order to love and serve someone else. Jesus did exactly that on the cross. He calls everyone to do so in Matthew 16:24-26. Funnily enough, if a man ever did voluntarily take on the role of court jester, knight in shining armor, and serf for his wife, I think he would be doing exactly what I have proposed in the redefining of “love!” However, both parties are supposed to be promising the exact same vow to “love and serve” the other. But isn’t every woman a fierce kween who don’t need no king? Uh oh! Double standard, incoming! The bottom line is that women need to step up and sacrifice everything for their husbands, just as they do for their wives.

“But what if he leaves dirty socks everywhere?”, they will cry.

“What if he puts his dish next to the sink instead of in it?”, they will moan.

“What if he wants to spend time doing his hobbies instead of paying attention to me?”, they will sob.

And Heaven forbid, “what if he actually wants to have sex more than twice a year?”, oh the unimaginable horror! Is it actually going to kill you to do a little housework and have sex with your husband so you both can be united in love, bonding, and pleasure? I don’t think so.

Really, I cannot fathom in the slightest what these fairy-tale loving, fantasy-world pining, totally-out-of-touch, spoiled, selfish, and bratty women thought they were getting into when they proclaimed “I do." They signed up for the marriage, they chose their own husbands, and now have to deal with the consequences of their actions. Woman up! Does no one realize that all men are human and flawed? Does no one realize that every woman who has, does, and will exist is an imperfect, fallen creature? Do they all believe themselves to be the Virgin Mary, perhaps, born without sin and perfectly rational all the time? Do all those women not realize that every single man who has, does, and will exist is in the exact same moral position of being a fallen creature and they are not Jesus? Marriage is not a fairy tale. Marriage does not fix existing problems. If a woman was in debt, friendless, and hated her job before she got married, why would she not be in debt, friendless, and still hate her job after the wedding? Someone make it make sense!

So many women will look anywhere but inwards for the source of their problems. Every woman who says “marriage is hard” seems to believe she really is perfect in every way, and if she isn’t perfect, she’s just “quirky.” Why should men have to work on themselves while social media proclaims “all women are perfect the way they are,” even if they are raging narcissists, cruel, demanding, and manipulative towards their husbands? On the other hand, in the eyes of the “marriage is hard” camp of women, every man seems to have deep, irreconcilable flaws if he is not more than six feet, three inches tall, sculpted like a greek god, funny, sensitive, but also stoic, emotional, but also always cool-headed, spontaneous, but a good planner, a good cook, a millionaire, caring, perfectly amboverted, sweet, charming, but not a flirt with anyone but her, and he has to love animals. Oh, look! Another double standard, incoming! I have a news flash for women who think they are the greatest saints walking the earth: you might not be as horrific of a witch as some women, but you are not perfect. Eat a slice of humble pie, self-reflect on your behaviors, and make changes to become a better person. Also, maybe take half a second to consider that it might not be everyone else who is the problem in your life. You want to scream at your husband for not doing exactly fifty percent of the household chores? That’s a “you” problem. You want him to stop breathing so loudly? That’s a “you” problem. You want him to read your mind, omnipotently understand your problems, and magically make the world a better place to be more convenient for you? That’s a “you” problem. Get over yourself.

I could rant on and on about how tiring the smug videos and insincere advice are when it comes to my upcoming marriage, but there is an aspect to marriage that does make sense to universally proclaim as difficult: Family is hard. Children are hard. Sleepless nights, dirty diapers, vomit, new expenses, devoting one hundred percent of your waking (and sleeping) hours to a human being who is one hundred percent dependent on you to stay alive and can’t communicate except through screaming for his every need? That is hard. I don’t have any children of my own, but it makes sense why that is a big deal. Are there inherent difficulties to raising and unconditionally loving a human being whom you did not have the chance to get to know for months or years before choosing to commit to that person? Sure, that sounds like quite a challenge. Even though children are born of women’s wombs, only a man and his wife are “one flesh, one spirit” under the covenant of marriage. Two people are joined into one, when married in a church. Kids are a blessing, I deeply desire a family of my own, but I know that no matter how much oxytocin my body could produce while giving birth or breastfeeding, the bond of love I share with my future husband will run much deeper than with my kids, as it should be.

I may have come off as a little harsh in those previous paragraphs, and I don’t mean to say that total self sacrifice is easy. However, if women could manage their expectations of their husbands and keep them realistic, I feel like many women would be liberated of the disillusionment that marriage is not a Disney movie. Some women seem really earnest and sweet, and act like they are doing me a favor by proclaiming that “marriage is hard!” They seem to take on a pious air of false humility to rival the Pharisees of Jesus’ time, praying on the street corners or making a show of donating lots of money at the temple. Sorry, darling, I’m not buying it, so take it to the confessional. I risk seeming callous, but the middle class, comfortable life-style those women live does not scream “martyr of love” to me, but maybe I haven’t read the entirety of their stories, either.

Marriage isn’t glamorous, exciting, and one hundred percent fulfilling because nothing on earth is. Only God can fill the God-shaped-hole in our souls, our yearning for Heaven and perfect peace. But what a blessing it will be that if women change their definitions of love, their husbands can’t and won’t expect one hundred percent perfection from their wives, either. How beautiful is it that a spouse is more than a life partner. A spouse is more than a tax benefit. A spouse is more than a guarantee of getting laid. A spouse is more than an indentured servant to a tyrannical monarch, male or female, it goes both ways! Unfortunately, the Culture of Death in America has torn apart the family, torn down the importance of husbands and fathers, and torn asunder the meaning of sacrificial love and replaced it with narcissism and unrealistic expectations of what a marriage should be. Let’s get back to reality, and although it might seem like I’m asking women to do the impossible by sacrificing a little more, I truly believe that by the power of the Holy Spirit, women can lose a little of their hubris and gain a whole lot of happiness by striving to be the wives they are meant to be.

Let’s fight the good fight together, and peace be with you.

ED

Here are the main points of my article, (they are going to seem AWFUL if you don’t read the rest of the piece to understand their context.)

• Marriage is not hard.
• Women are too self-centered.
• Women don’t sacrifice enough.
• Everybody is human and fallen.
• Manage your expectations.
• Redefine love and live by its true definition.
• Drop the double standards.
• Kids are hard, marriage is not.

Citations:

Catholic Annulment - Another Chance https://www.churchannulment.com/blog/common-reasons-a-catholic-annulment-is-granted