"At Least You're.." and Other Tired Comfort Statements

"Well, at least you still have your other children!"

We have all been witness to--and probably guilty of using--a phrase like this when comforting someone who has suffered in some way. If there is some population which has had the most grief when it comes to being comforted, it is, in my opinion, those who have lost a loved one, in any capacity and are simply asking for some amount of validation that their feelings make sense. Although, I will say, my time as a therapist has taught me that this happens to anyone reaching out for help with their suffering, which speaks to a problem we should probably be working to fix as a society.

See, the funny thing about suffering is that we all experience it, but so few of us know how to actually give comfort for it. And really, the reason is simply because suffering, as universal as it is, seems to make the least sense to humankind in general. It rarely comes with a warning, and almost never comes with a manual or set of instructions explaining how to cope with it or even how to think about it.

In short, humans are relatively inept when it comes to processing suffering as a whole because humans are not wired to expect it.

Think about it. A baby cries when it is hungry, upset, alone, etc, because its very existence is forged out of connection, and a state of being nourished constantly before it is born into the world. And, once in the world, the average baby is still taken care of as best as its parents are able to, which is typically well enough that the baby develops understanding that it can still expect suffering to be a small if at all present portion of their experience in life.

And yet, as I've said, every human has experienced suffering of some kind--so why do we seem to struggle with it as much as we do? Shouldn't we learn at some point how to conceptualize it?

Well, yes, we should! But consider with me how often your parents, friends, teachers or coaches have actually sat you down and taught you about the meaning of suffering, and the benefits of using the existence of suffering as a view into your own existence and the ways you can grow and improve from it.

My guess is that little if any such moments come to mind, and I can say that with confidence as most of my clients seem to have a healthy relationship with their own suffering by the time they come to see me. Now, I get it, it's an odd conversation to have in most situations, which again seems to point to the fact that as a society we not only are uneducated when it comes to mental health and suffering, but also notably fearful of even approaching the subject.

Suffering in general is not seen as a good party subject, not a good topic for a first date (or any date) and probably isn't something most parents considering a fun dinner discussion to have with their kids. And yet, I have people seeking my professional services just to talk about their own suffering in order to make sense of it, so clearly the world is dying to be able to talk about it--they just don't have the confidence or tools to in most social situations.

So, when suffering does come up, the response is to find the best sounding phrase which communicates care but doesn't open the door for deeper conversation, because why would you open up conversation about something you wouldn't know how to handle yourself? The end result is something similar to the opening line of this article, and instead of two people who could probably relate really well to each other, we have one person asking for help but not wanting to bring down the mood, and the other person wanting to help but also not wanting to suddenly be overwhelmed and unable to help in the time of greatest need--this is what I like to call Therapist Imposter Syndrome, or the fear that the person asking for help is really asking you to be a trained mental health professional all of the sudden and that you wont actually be and that will upset this other person to the point that it makes their suffering worse and then it's all your fault and....

I think you get the point.

Now, where do we go from here? In one sense, we move forward, and in another sense, we go nowhere at all. What I mean is that the average person doesn't need to be anything other than who they are, provided they are approaching the situation with care, compassion and the basic understanding about humanity and emotions everyone has already.

On the other hand, we do need to move forward, and practice genuine intentionality when it comes to listening to and responding to a person's grief or suffering. Because at the end of the day, what a human who is suffering needs is another human who understands and can offer that understanding in their time of need. And that is something everyone can access no matter what they've been through, or what training in mental health they have or don't have.

All that a person who is suffering needs is another human.