At Last, a Permanent Solution to Shifting Time Zone Chaos

I'm tired of adjusting my clocks every year, giving me jet lag without even the pleasure of going anywhere. Personally, I'd have enjoyed Daylight Savings Time all year long. When we shift back in the fall, it gets dark much too "early". You stop working and it's practically dark. My response to all of this discomfort and confusion is to create my own time zone, which will never, ever change. I'm calling it the "Midwest Central Tom Zone". As a magnanimous compromise between "normal" Eastern Standard Time and Daylight Savings Time (which now takes up most of the year anyway), I am setting all of my clocks an half an hour earlier, so I will always be right in between "standard" EST and DST. It will be less of a shift for most people entering my time zone than it currently is to enter any other time zone, or to have their clocks shifted annually. When setting appointments please remember that I am now, and will remain, on Midwest Central Tom Time (MCT), adjusting your appointment calendar accordingly.

As a new innovation, my time zone will be mobile, travelling with me wherever I go. Geographically, it will be defined as any point within a two and a half foot radius of the spot where I am standing at the moment. So if we sit across from each other at a restaurant, we will be able to gaze into each other's eyes across time zones. But if we get closer, you will be entering the Midwest Central Tom Zone. At this point, it goes without saying that whatever it is you are doing in my time zone (and, btw, welcome!), you should now pause to reset your wrist watch and your cellphone. Hopefully, in the near future, cellphones and smartwatches will automatically adjust to the new time zone.

If you travel longer distances with me, or visit me while I am traveling, you will be able to experience such wonders as Paris by day and Paris by night with less waiting in between, allowing you to compress the time it takes you to decompress on vacation. Also if a particular shop or eatery is not open, I may be able to help by standing at the door of the establishment, who's opening and closing must then fall into line with MCT. Establishments will also be required to have special, broad Spectrum lighting so that you will not get jet lag even though the sun currently cannot be made to follow the rules of my time zone in all parts of the world (we're working on that one as well).

In order to facilitate commerce and communication with me as well as generally getting the most out of each and every day, it is recommended that, beyond just being ready to change time zones if you run into me, other individuals and geographical areas should also consider syncing permanently with the Midwest Central Tom zone.

Recently, the United States Congress has been discussing the possibility of switching permanently to Daylight Savings Time. But, it is often pointed out that longer evenings lead to shorter mornings, resulting, for example, in children walking to school in the dark. Split the difference and there will be less of that, to say nothing of ridiculously long summer nights where the sun goes down at 10 p.m. 9:30 p.m. would be much more civilized. I now call on the U.S. Congress to adopt Midwest Central Tom time for the entire country. Other governments across the world should do the same to get commerce into sync, once we can use technology to persuade the sun to sync along with us.

This has been a PSA alerting you to Midwest Central Tom Time. Thank you, and have a wonderful evening.