alone no more

hello,

my name is alayna, but sometimes, i accidentally refer to myself as alone-na. i’ve always considered it an accidental slip of the tongue, but as i grow older and get to know myself better, i think it’s my subconscious trying to grab ahold of my attention.

the insertion of alone in place of alayn is not as much of a coincidence as i always thought it to be. on many lonely rooftop nights during which i pressed pen to the paper of my jet-black moleskine notebook, i came to realize that my brain has been trying to get me to accept my loneliness for years, but i continued to push it away.

i wasn’t ready.

it’s not easy to accept what hurts, so i refused to admit that it was anything other than me being tongue-tied.

however, everything you try to ignore becomes impatient eventually, and ignorance comes with an expiration date, so over time, i welcomed my loneliness with open arms.

i think a therapist would suggest that my loneliness originated the day police officers stripped my dad from the confines of our home. you know, like an assertion that i’m lonely because my dad left me. but i disagree. it is innate. my loneliness has been omnipresent since my birth.

it didn’t arise in response to being abandoned when i was seven by my biological father. it was already there. his absence compounded the loneliness that i already embodied, but he didn’t create it.

my family’s repeated reminder of nobody cares about you, alayna didn’t create it. my mom’s inability to get close to me because of how closely i resemble the man she despised didn’t create it.

the students from my catholic elementary school who put me through experiences only the devil could fathom didn’t create it. the boy i met in middle school who hurt me in high school didn’t create it.

acceptance with honors to a prestigious institution followed by the announcement that my single-parent mom was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer the day before didn’t create it.

having to step in as the mother of my two siblings at the age of fifteen while managing a four-hour one-way commute twice per day didn’t create it. parenting my sisters only to be blamed for my parents’ separation didn’t create it.

the classmates who acted as though i was invisible at the all-girls academy i attended didn’t create it. the teachers who’d berate me in front of everyone else, call on me to read, stop me in my tracks, and make a mockery of my soft-spoken nature despite the tears that they invoked didn’t create it.

the three back-to-back soccer-related concussions that rendered me unable to seek solace from my sport of choice didn’t create it. being called lazy and incompetent when trying to heal from major head injuries didn’t create it.

opening up about wanting to die only to be encouraged to kill myself didn’t create it. the eating disorder i developed because i needed a sense of control and purpose didn’t create it.

the manipulator i befriended in college who turned the campus against me once i saw through her didn’t create it. losing the only person who’s ever understood what i’m about as a result didn’t create it.

sexual assault didn’t create it. dissociating my way through life and depersonalizing as a coping mechanism didn’t create it. panic disorder didn’t create it. agoraphobia that rendered me unable to leave my apartment for weeks on end didn’t create it.

standing up to the manager who would lock me in the office and make me listen to explicit descriptions of his escapades in the bedroom didn’t create it. reporting him to upper management yet being the one reprimanded didn’t create it.

asking my mom if she loved me the way i needed her to and hearing i can try didn’t create it. begging my mom to believe me only for her to die two weeks later didn’t create it. becoming parentless in my twenties didn’t create it.

remembering traumatic events following her passing didn’t create it. turning to alcohol as a way of blocking out the barrage of recollections didn’t create it. drinking a handle alone for nights on end and hoping my nap on the bathroom floor would turn into perpetual sleep didn’t create it.

i don’t believe any of my real-world experiences created my loneliness because i wouldn’t have survived my circumstances if a tolerance for loneliness wasn’t already something i entered the world equipped with.

you have to understand loneliness to an out-of-this-world degree in order to manage the gravity of how alone i’ve felt for the entire duration of my life. i used to view it as a character flaw, but as i continue to endure life-shattering realities and build my resilience in the wake of all my trauma, i think of my loneliness as a compass that guides me.

i no longer feel alone because there's energy all around me.

i may be lonely, but i am never alone.

while nothing in my life created the innate loneliness i feel, i want to create something with it. i understand that there’s absolutely no way i’m the only one to feel crippled by loneliness. it’s impossible.

and i’m of the opinion that everything i have managed to survive didn’t happen by chance. the extent to which i’ve felt lonely is too astronomical to not be written in the stars.

when my mom died in january of twenty-twenty, one of my sisters and i went through the detached motions of clearing out our mom’s house. my sister did more than i because my focus was on breathing without collapsing under the weight of my grief.

but as she sorted through pile after pile, she pulled subscription boxes from the rubble and gave two of them to me. i had always overlooked services like fabfitfun and causebox. i didn’t understand the appeal, but that’s what is wildly incredibly about sudden life-changing events:

they completely alter your perspective.

after inheriting, so to speak, a fabfitfun box and a month of causebox from my mom, i started cherishing the comfort of subscription boxes—so much so that i subscribed to both services myself a short while later.

every few months, when my fabfitfun or causebox subscription arrives at my front door, i feel calm. my heart likes to tell me that each box is a gift from my mom, though my brain knows that logically this isn’t the case. even so, it soothes my heartache all the same.

after recognizing how significant a subscription box can feel, i continued thinking about the way i want to create something with my loneliness. from there, i developed the idea of a subscription box called alone no more.

i am lonely, but i know i’m not alone. and i’d like to spread the word to people who are lonely just like me. loneliness can sometimes grip you by the throat and convince you that you do not matter, but it’s simply untrue. even so, it can be hard to believe when the only one who seems to care about you is yourself.

so, i’d like to step in and be someone who reminds everyone that they matter. that they are not worthless. that they are not alone. that they have a purpose and a place in our world. and that i'm rooting for them. that i believe in them. that i see them.

someday, the stars align will align and i will be lucky enough to receive a monetary blessing that allows me to transform my dream of alone no more into a reality.

what an honor it would be if the vocal challenge, in collaboration with memberful, is my avenue into fulfilling my vision.

all we can do is try and trust the process as we go. were i to be awarded the honor of winning the challenge, i’d have the funds to pursue my goal of starting a subscription box company called alone no more.

in essence, people who sign up for my subscription box will receive a personalized monthly, bi-monthly, tri-monthly, quarterly, or annual box that is personalized from head to toe. it will feel like a care package from a friend because that’s what i want people to see me as—a friend who truly cares about how they’re doing, what they’re up to, and where their head is at.

i make candles and resin art whenever possible because it brings me peace, but a girl can only find so many purposes for candles and resin art galore. instead of holding onto all that i make, i’d like to pass my creations on to people who sign up for my subscription box.

i’d include a candle that i’ve poured myself, as well as resin art that i’ve created in my free time, inside of every box. additionally, i’d send candies, stickers, doodads, and trinkets that i come across throughout the year. last but certainly not least, every box would contain a handwritten letter that i’d most definitely address to them and personalize based off of information they'd supply me with when they subscribe to alone no more.

alone no more is an idea i’d love to bring to life, but it takes a decent level of funding that i don’t currently have under my belt. in order to pour all that i have into this endeavor, i’d need to take time away from my day-to-day job as a freelance writer and editor.

to do that, i’d require a bit of a monetary cushion, which is why i am madly appreciative of the opportunity to submit my story to the challenge hosted by vocal and memberful. winning a five-figure prize would set me up perfectly to pursue alone no more.

it’d be a monthly, bi-monthly, tri-monthly, quarterly, or annual subscription box for people who are engulfed by loneliness to the point where they feel alone, as though nobody cares about them. the goal is to help people feel alone no more.

the various options in terms of frequency has everything to do with the fact that some people feel more alone than others. if you would like a monthly reminder that someone out there thinks about you, i'm on it. if you just want a care package every three months, i've got you. it's all based on preference.

i wanted to offer an annual option for anyone who cannot commit to a recurring subscription. i grew up anything but wealthy or rich, and as such, i know firsthand how lifeless you feel when you know there’s a way to help yourself but you’re unable to afford the resource.

by subscribing to the annual subscription option, people will be able to receive an alone no more box without overextending themselves. it’s a pay-what-you-can option for those who maybe only have three dollars to spare.

it’s easy to feel as though nobody cares about you, but thinking something doesn’t make it true, and it’s untrue because i care about you.

but i get it because i’ve been there. my loneliness has taken me to a headspace where i’m convinced that no one would notice my absence, and by channeling my experience, i want to create something that shows people that their existence is recognized.

thank you for taking the time to read all that i’ve written. it means the world to me that i can even participate in the challenge at hand, and your consideration is appreciated.

alayna ♡