Alone in the Dogwoods

It was a typical summer morning that dragged into an even more typical afternoon. She was tormented by loneliness but embraced being alone.

She was always a contradiction to her own existence. Giving, caring, understanding and helpful but often a closed off loner who preferred to keep her thoughts to herself.

After a lifetime of disappointment and being misunderstood, she finally relented and decided to do it alone.

This middle aged soul had tolerated more abuse and neglect than anyone should have to. Her once fierce determination which had been floating on the surface was now sinking like a stone.

Settled back into the woods was a little house tucked in just deep enough to be out of sight. It was small and manageable for this sickly, lonely woman just enough to embrace her needs.

Everyday she emerged to breathe the air. She was seemingly unapproachable to anyone who tried to cross the property line. It wasn’t often that anyone came by but when they did she was uneasy and felt the world creeping in to suffocate her.

One day, as she was admiring the wild animals that were indeed allowed to advance...she caught a glimpse of someone walking through an unruly overgrown path. He was lost in his own thoughts and minding his own business so she just observed him until he was gone. The summer afternoon heat forced her inside early on most of the following days. A few days later she woke up to the sound of thunder and immediately rose to the window to admire the rain. The leaves on the trees were weighed down and drooping like a sad song. The air was cool and the sky was a gloomy thick grey backdrop. A smile gained possession of her face and the air she drew in filled her with hope. Hope for a day without physical pain and emotional anguish.

There he was again...the one she saw the other day. Walking slowly and minding his own business. She wondered where he came from but again just observed until he was gone. The weeks following were hot and uneventful. Days passed slowly and she continued to see him occasionally walking his path.

Her daily routines started to get harder and harder to maintain. The anxiety and insecurities were beginning to consume her. Every few days she would see her stranger walking the same ol” path. One day she thought she noticed he was closer than usual. He wasn’t creepy or weird, just calm and seemed pleasant. He was only a little closer so she didn’t think much of it. A few days later though he was closer than that.

Eventually she wasn’t paying much attention to the world outside. She closed the curtains and at the same time closed the world away.

Unknowingly, a few weeks had gone by without her even peeking out the window. She was in a downward twist until she eventually found herself in a complete coil. Flat on her back, protected by the crumpled blankets she didn’t have the strength to fix. she stared at a cobweb on the ceiling blowing freely from the breeze of the open window. The night air was blowing across her like forced oxygen. Convinced that was the only thing keeping her alive at the moment. She wasn’t thinking about anything but was feeling everything. With fierce intensity her chest felt a lonely pressure. Not the alone kind of lonely, more like the essence of nobody can save her kind. She didn’t notice the tears that had pooled in her eyes until they were so big they had nowhere else to go. One hard swallow relieved the pressure enough for them to be released. Once they flowed freely she used them to wash her face.

Feeling disarranged from her own identity, searching for something to fulfill a need she doesn't even understand. Her expectations fade into the fabric of the blankets.

Hours into her misery she slithered out of her twisted refuge and grabbed the broom for that cobweb. It felt a little better which led to making the bed. Once the top sheet felt different, she felt different. Typical reoccurring dreams woke her several times. Eventually she surrendered and just made the coffee. She flipped through some channels, read a few chapters of a book, listened to music and folded a basket of wrinkled laundry from days gone by. Going through the motions to keep her pondering at bay. Let the dog out and pour more coffee.

Pulling the curtains back to a minimal slant she glances out at the day. What day is it? Oh who cares... as she was letting go of the cloth she noticed something. The weeds in her yard had been pulled and her flowers appeared to have been groomed. Curious, she looks out another window.

There he was, her stranger from the woods. Picking up the final sections of a dead branch the thunderstorm last week had knocked loose. She watched him clear the smaller slices of bark and then merely walk off into the woods until he blended in. It was strange but un-phased she went back to her refuge.

Days go by and long nights still follow her into groggy mornings. Every day she made the bed and poured the coffee.

One particular morning she was awakened by some strange banging noises. Irritated at first she sat on the edge of the bed not realizing what she was hearing. A few minutes later she looks out through evil eyes. This woods walker was fixing the door on her dilapidated shed. Alright what was this guy up to? Powered by suspicion and irritability she yanks the door open and asks what he is doing. Startled, he looks up at the grumpy bitch and says, helping.

Stunned, she has no response. He smiles and goes back to what he was doing. She stands there and watches attentively. When he is done he waves and says see ya later. In her head she quietly thinks “I hope so”.

She chopped the fantasy off mid-word...this is not her vision at all.

True to his word he showed up a couple of days later. She walked out to greet him, extending her hand with a cold drink he reached out and accepted. She finally asks him why he is doing all of this, what did he want? He just said, I noticed you needed some help.

Help? She thought, you don’t know the half of it but instead she just said thank you. He finished his drink and asked for a pen. He pulled an old piece of paper out of his pocket and wrote down his number. I’ll be around but if you need anything let me know. She nervously took the number and crumbled it up in her sweaty hand.

A few days turn into a week but he hasn’t returned. Noticing the wrinkled paper on the nightstand she unravels it and wonders… should she dare text him? She looks at the scribbled numbers on the dirty old paper and decides to cut her own grass. She isn’t needy or desperate. She isn’t interested in making new friends much less anything else.

The next couple of nights she can’t help but think of him. Sitting alone in her asylum she wonders if he is waiting to hear from her. Her mind wanders... spinning a Rubik's cube around to hypnotize her anxiety, she sets it down and picks up her phone. A simple text will do. She types it out fifteen times but deletes it just as many. Finally, articulating a message that didn’t sound too forward, she sent it. A few hours into the night after no response she falls asleep.

The morning begins the same way it always does, coffee and pain. She reaches for her phone to possibly get lost in social media. There is a notification of a message. Pausing for a minute wondering what fresh hell awaits and from who… she was surprised by the greeting which was simply, how are you feeling today? It brought a smile that she actually felt. How do I respond? With a typical I’m fine or the truth, I’m miserable. For the next twenty minutes she over-thinks and sends herself into crippling apprehension. I don’t know how to formulate a response. Does he really want to know?

Another message comes through reminding her that she never replied. It followed the first question with another. Are you busy? She decided the basic I’m fine was the best response. Then followed with an equally basic, no. Throughout the rest of the afternoon small talk led to big talk. She was intrigued and hardly noticed the hours had led into the evening. She felt fulfilled in a way that she wasn’t familiar with. When she woke up in the morning she felt rejuvenated, almost euphoric.

The conversations continued daily and the more they talked the more she smiled. Finally, she decided to ask him why he started doing chores around her house in the first place. He said he had been familiar with her for a long time because he had always walked through those woods. He noticed she was alone and admired her strength and ability to do it all herself. He started noticing windows and doors remained closed and the surroundings looked neglected so he thought she might need some help.

She laid there feeling every breath, all of a sudden panic took over. Is she starting to like this guy? Does he like her? Is this turning into something she isn’t ready for? As she has many times in the past, she pushes back and tells him she is worried about what she is thinking and feeling. Give me space, let me breathe... She closes the text and says nothing else. Never even opening his last text until a few days later. It only said two words: “I’ll wait”.

Going back and forth with her concerns and wishy-washy needs, she tells him she is feeling better and apologizes for the episode. He assures her that he wasn’t scared off by it and in fact decided to ask her when he could see her again? He would like the opportunity to talk in person, maybe a date?. She was flattered. A little frightened but flattered nonetheless.

She tries to keep her composure... In her mind she is saying, right now! Come here and sweep me off my feet. But she just says, soon.

Wondering what kind of guy he really is, she worries about how it will go. Will he show up with flowers and a glass of Merlot? Oh dear god what if he thinks that is romantic? What if he expects candles and soft music? This was not her idea of a perfect first date at all! What if this is where it all goes wrong? Thinking and overthinking she postpones the date a few more times. He understands and continues to take it slow and steady.

The summer months turn into fall and then into winter. They continue talking and growing closer through deep conversations. She thinks she is doing ok keeping the relationship under control. She isn’t moving towards anything but it is clearly on both of their minds. He is calm and soothing to her bundle of nerves. He offers to help her but she still refuses to accept. She just can’t. What is the hold up, the reason? She struggles with resisting and surrendering at the same time. It occurs to her that her simplicity is indeed extremely complicated and her inhibitions would chase anyone off, so why not him?

As every day comes to an end and she watches the sun go away the lonely feeling returns. She goes home to seek refuge as if she will turn into an ogre at dusk. Her physical appearance doesn’t change but her personality transforms. The overwhelming emotions creep in with the shadows of the night. She strips herself of the battle armor she wears all day and searches the dresser drawer for soothing clothes to embrace her aching body. Her nightly routine is as predictable as the loneliness she feels. As she closes the windows and doors for the night, she notices something through the screen door. She takes a closer look and realizes it’s him.

In her immediate panic she thinks she can do one of two things. Slam the door and lock it or go out to meet him.

Standing in front of him she is shaking inside afraid of the decision she made. She doesn’t say anything and he just smiles. Once he followed her inside she felt an overwhelming calmness. Not at all what she was anticipating. She looked at him in a way she never had before. He told her he knew she would never make the decision wholeheartedly so he took a chance.

Hours disappeared with effortless conversation...finally he touched her hand. It wasn’t awkward or scary, it wasn’t inappropriate or too soon. It was exactly what she needed. She responded slowly but only for a minute.

She moved towards his lips with great expectations. The pivotal moment that would make her feel the connection or not. He delivered.

Over the next 2 hours she couldn’t tell if she was making love or just having amazingly nasty sex with an Adonis. It was a perfectly even balance of both.