Humans logo

All The Times Women Lie In Their Relationship With You

by Ellen "Jelly" McRae 14 days ago in dating / advice
Report Story

To manipulate you? No, not quite.

Women don't go into relationships intending on lying to their partners. But they end up doing it.

It's not malicious what women like me do. We lie because we:

  • Are trying to protect ourselves
  • Trying to protect the relationship
  • Trying to keep something for ourselves
  • Trying to make you, our partner, happy

But from your point of view, the person who dates us, we look like we're lying. And it is if we're going to get technical.

To you, though, you don't know it's a lie. You might find out that it is, eventually. But under most circumstances, you can only assume they're telling you the truth.

Here's the most confusing part; you thought, until reading this, that you have an honest relationship. Your woman doesn't lie, right?!

But she does, though. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

Here's what she's most likely to lie about.

Sex and the nitty-gritty details

A woman won't lie about her virginity. There isn't much logic to support saying you're a virgin when you're not. This of course doesn't include religious beliefs and such situations.

But when you get into the specific details of her sex life, a woman will lie. She will alter, conceal, or become vague about the following specifics of her sex life:

  • How many partners she has been with - the specific number
  • How many explorative experiences she has had - threesomes, homosexual exploration etc.
  • How many one-night stands she has had
  • How often she has had sex with a partner or past lover
  • How many people she has seen at one time
  • When she started having sex - some women will lie about the age it began

Why women lie about this

You don't have to be a genius to figure out why women hide this.

Without going on a feminist rant, we women are constantly judged for what we do in the bedroom. We're very well aware we can't treat sex the same way men do, despite our efforts.

And if we do, we have to hide it if we want to escape judgement.

For some of us, we've been called a "slut" one too many times for our liking. We're avoiding hearing it one more time.

How bad their past breakups were

If we've had a relationship before, we might not always tell you about how badly it ended. We won't go into the details of:

  • The petty fights we had between our ex, especially over stupid things that no longer matter
  • The undignified things we did during the end - I can think of sleeping with my ex's friend to get some misguided revenge. Young and dumb, I was.
  • How heartbroken we felt after the breakup
  • How devastated the breakup was on every part of our life - How our grief and moving on process affected our friends, family, work etc.

We might, however, let you in on what our ex did. We could tell you:

  • If our ex was particularly cruel during the breakup
  • If our ex was abusive
  • If our ex keeps part of our life - kids, pets, something that means we can't let them fully go from our life.

Why women lie about this

We worry if we tell you what the end looked like, you will think that's how we are in a relationship.

It happened to me. I told a new partner how I threw out all my exes clothes he left behind. In truth, he was too lazy to collect anything.

But that new partner didn't end up leaving anything at my place for our entire relationship, in fear it would end up in the bin. I've learned my lesson not to tell that story ever again.

We also don't want to come across looking like a man needs to save us. Or we need a new man to redeem the errors of the last one. Though you may not think that, some men do. 

And we will avoid this happening by lying.

Friends they have dated in the past

It's hard to find anyone, no matter sex or gender, who hasn't hooked up with their friend in some capacity. 

It's pretty common. 

It's also pretty common for a new partner to wonder about such hookups. And if you're a jealous guy, you might want to know which ones of her male friends she has been with you. You might want to know:

  • Who has she kissed
  • Who she has slept with or been physical with
  • Who she had a crush on
  • Who she has a flirtatious relationship with

But when she asks, she is likely to lie to you. She will either say no one. Or she will completely downplay anything and everything that happened. 

For example, if she slept with a friend, she will say she only kissed him as a dare at a party. 

Nothing for you to worry about.

Why women lie about this

Triangle relationships. 

Once we tell you about someone we've hooked up and remained friends with them, this person enters our relationship. They can subconsciously become a problem. 

Someone to worry about.

My ex did this to me. He hated my friend because he was a guy and we kissed one time. When it happened, we were both single. And drunk.

This is the key part of my experience; my ex wasn't a jealous dude. He wouldn't call himself that, nor was he jealous of anyone else. But if he knew something, it was enough to send the jealousy triggers pulsing.

If this has ever happened to a woman before, she will avoid repetition. 

Plain and simple.

Their past "commitment" 

If you ask a woman whether she has cheated on someone in the past or was involved with a cheater, she will likely deny it. Especially if the incident was recent, too.

I think it's a universal assumption people twist the facts of their dating history during the early days of dating. Everyone has their guard up.

But when the guard comes down, this is one area a woman might not change her story. This is one of those parts of their life where they keep it to themselves forever.

Why women lie about this

In the spirit of history repeating itself, and a new partner assuming things about us, we won't tell you these things if we don't have to. 

If we've cheated in the past, we don't want you to think, "once a cheater, always a cheater."

For anyone who has cheated before, we know this isn't always true. But for those who've been cheated on, it's hard to get this out of their mindset. Women know this and don't want to spend energy trying to change someone's mind.

And when we're the other woman, we're the one to blame. 

People will always blame the evil other women rather than the person who's actually done the cheating.

How you compare to others in the bedroom

Some men have asked me how they compare to other people at sex. When they've asked this, I have always lied. 

I have always said they were amazing, one of the best, and they're right up the top of the list.

Even if they weren't. 

Even if they were the most horrible person in bed, with zero moves and I derived zero pleasure from it, I still lied.

Sometimes guys have pushed hard to know. Or called me out on what they suspect is a lie. I respect the men for doing so. They have the right to. But I also don't have to answer. 

And it's just my opinion, anyway.

Why women will lie about this

Because it's the right thing to do. 

Could you imagine what would happen if we genuinely ranked you, to your face, against our other lovers? 

How would you feel if we presented you with a scorecard? Or a median graph depicting your average performance against others?

Bye-bye to the relationship straight away. 

No questions asked. 

You would not stick around to know how good or bad you were. Your ego wouldn't take it. And I wouldn't blame you either. Mine wouldn't.

In this situation, though, it's not right of the man to ask, though. What did he expect the woman to say?

Their vain deal-breaker list

We all have deal breakers that surround the vainest, superficial and trivial qualities of a person. 

Usually, these deal breakers are about looks. But it can be things like:

  • The person wears a perfume I don't like
  • The person works at a job that I don't like
  • I can't stand their sense of fashion
  • I don't like the house they live in

They are silly things. But when a woman eventually ends it with you, she will lie about these things being the reason.

Or she will twist the truth to make it sound like it's not where you work, but the fact you make no time because of work, for example.

Why women lie about this

Because we don't want to look like normal human beings with everyday superficial wants for a relationship.

And once again, we don't want to get the heartless bitch label for rejecting you for something you can't really control.

It's the same way you don't want the asshole label for the same thing.

What to do if you think a woman is lying to you

There is a lying curve in relationships. Lies that matter to your relationship growing, nurturing and trusting. And lies that don't.

What I recommend you do is work out which type of lie it is. If they're lying affects your relationship growth, call it out.

If it doesn't, move on with your happiness.

And if we're being real, every lie on this list doesn't really matter at the end of the day. Your relationship can grow, nurture, and harbour trust with these lies.

Sure, you could argue the relationship could be better if they were honest about those things.

But, from all the reasons why women lie, you can see how disastrous it can turn out for everyone if honesty truly was the best policy.

Can you blame us?

datingadvice

About the author

Ellen "Jelly" McRae

Writes about romanceships (romance + relationships) | Loves to talk about behind the scenes of being a solopreneur on The Frolics | Writes 1 Lovelock Drive | Discover everything I do and share here: www.ellenjellymcrae.com

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2022 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.