All I See Is Green

I’ve been thinking...

When you think of the color green what do you think of? Money? The signal to ‘go’. Nature in all its glory?

For me it was the start of a new path. One that I could never imagine. One that, well quite frankly and quite cliché like, meant go. That’s what I think of when I see the color green. Go. Go. Just go.

I have always been an overthinker. I feel powerless, out of control if I don't have a plan first. Everything for me seemed like I had to slow down first and comprehend what's happening before doing. Never spontaneous. It was never just.. go. It was like every path I crossed had a yellow traffic light. As if it were screaming for me to slow down, before continuing. I mean obviously right? Yellow traffic lights mean slow, before a stop. Something I think I’m better at than anyone else. The only problem is, even when the light turns green, I never knew when to go. How to go. I felt like I was always stuck on yellow. Moving slowly ahead. Trudging along, making countless stops.

I wanted to be like those people you see on tv shows, where they just get up and go somewhere because they felt like it. Because they have finally gotten out of that dump they’ve been in and decided they were just ready to get up and go.

I could never. My mind had a hold on me. I’m starting to think my golden hair was seeping through my skull and making everything yellow. I just felt like I was moving too slow in life. Too slow at making decisions. I was never good at just doing. I know for a fact I’ll never get sponsored by Nike. That’s a for sure thing, fact.

I want to. I want to get up and go. I want to see more green lights. I want to wake up one day and just go. No looking back. No overthinking. No halts before I stop. I want to do this so bad for myself, but how? How do I conquer the mind, and take over? How do I take that big step and just go? It can’t be too late for me. I’m still way too young. I have time. But why does it feel like time is running out. Why does it feel like time is running away from me, and I can’t catch it?

I want to feel that adrenaline rush that people get when bungee jumping or skydiving. Heck, even swimming with sharks. I want that feeling. I want to feel that.

I want to be able to position myself at the starting line, right in front of a traffic light. I want that traffic light to be big and bright and loud. Yes indeed. Like on Mario Kart, when the time counts down and then you hear the sound effect when the light turns green to go. I want that. I want to set myself up at that light, with my head down. So that I can’t see the traffic light directly, but I see it’s glow. So that I won’t overthink the process, and talk myself out of it. So that the moment it turns green and that buzzer tells me to go. I can just take off running at the speed of light, and find that adventure. Find whatever it is I’m looking for.

I’m not quite sure what I want. I’m not quite sure about what I’m looking for. I think so much that those things seem to be a blur for me. I felt like I never had the time to just live. Breathe. Experience. Forever stuck at a yellow light. Slowing myself down, with the help of my overactive mind. I want to go. To where? I don’t know. But I want to go. I want to just go with the flow.

It’s time for me to find that green light, and experience something new. No more over-thinking for something I want to pursue. I just want to go. Go, go, go. I just want to go with the flow.

With those thoughts and a new state of mind, I opened my eyes and got ready for the next adventure of my newly established state of mind.