albums, songs, and how I feel about turning 20

For a moment I'm going to close my planner, drink the last of my water and feel all those horrible emotions that I don't show to anyone else, because why spend my days off in peace (to be fair midday smoking is a break within itself).

My birthday is in a month. Twenty. 20. Two-enty. This is the official last month of my teen years. And I spent every year of that living as myself. Well duh but like waking up in the morning as Patience, being plagued by Patience's thoughts, being interested in Patience's stupid ideas, listening to myself talk when I have no one to talk to. Watching Patience try to-and sometimes succeed- in making friends. And in the six years I've spent being a teenager it's been...something. It's been fun and sad and utterly lonely and overwhelmingly jampacked with most major life events your standard teenager goes through. It wasn't the movies, it wasn't aesthetic, it was just a really strange hard time.

The fact that 13-year-old me didn't think that I'd see legality shows the headspace I was in six years ago. Being a depressed 13-year-old pretty much sucks the life out of everything until you find a thing you like. Like fandoms, and Wattpad, debate, theater, and softball (although not being very good), robotics and comic books, a brief but fond stint in photography, and getting really invested for a musical artist for a week and then casually listening then for the rest of your life and discovering Doja Cat on SoundCloud before she was big and EVERYTHING being a big deal. I remember the way my heart raced at the news of Camilla Cabello leaving Fifth Harmony. Or when One Direction went on hiatus or when 5SOS first released "Sounds Good Feels Good".

My heart has only ever matched that rate in the midst of an anxiety attack alone in my apartment.

I've always felt seen with music and the artist that make it and the people who love it. Being a "still figuring shit out" lesbian early on, normalcy came from the acceptance of fandoms, of a virtual platform of people shipping (of all things) Camren. It isn't as deep and obsessive as it was then: streaming every song released, watching every video on repeat, nonstop talking about to my mom when I could corner her while she was making dinner or in the shower. Since I've grown, I'm bigger kid able to vote and go fight a war; unable to drink or smoke or own a gun but still connected. Still emotionally and physically seen by songs dropped and charting albums.

Some albums and songs that help me realize that this shit is hard but literally no one knows what they are supposed to be doing/songs that help me clam down about all this growing stuff:

Albums:

Blue Neighborhood by Troye Sivan

This album and Troye were a vital part of me accepting myself when I was younger. The music videos of him pining after his best friend, another guy, were relatable and honestly: lifesaving. Early years were a lot of self-discoveries and is still overwhelmingly present today (I am writing this aren't I). The frustration of the fast changes in EASE, the desire to be accepted but still wanting to be you in HEAVAN, being willing to mold yourself into the smallest, most digestible piece of yourself in the hopes of not being alone anymore in BLUE. Its tracks make me feel like someone has been here and they survived it and it wasn't just "well that's normal" or "welcome to adulthood" but an actual feeling of not liking this. Not wanting this. And having to keep this life anyway.

CTRL by SZA

There's a lot to say about this album, SZA really put an emotion, a physical presence into this project. The easiest to talk about is 20 Something: a metaphysical chant of what early adulthood feels like. How it feels like everything and nothing and just wanting to make it through, hoping it gets easier. Normal Girl and Pretty Little Birds, both tracks that have to fight for a spot amongst the radio-played chart toppers but are the ones that ring true to what being here feels like when you just don't seem to fit. Subverting expectations isn't as fun in real life as writers make it seem at the table. Pretty Little Birds emphasizes the mistakes and the walls that pop up here and right now it feels like there are so many of them. How many of those do we make for ourselves? Overall, the project is a full feel at what being in this weird stage is like.

Songs:

It's Not the Same Anymore by Rex Orange County

I mean, the chorus of the song is:

It's not the same anymore

I lost the joy in my face

My life was simple before

I should be happy, of course

But things just got much harder

Now it's just hard to ignore

The whole song encompasses my being every time I listen to it. It's so raw in what change feels like and how alone it can feel and how it's okay to ask for help and how hard it is to actually ask for help even if the people around you are telling you to lean on them. It's like a song made for me (and probably everyone else that is having a hard time in the present).

Everything Stays by Adventure Time

This song reminds me to chill, and everything will be okay, even if time passes and things are left to change. Its natural. It's okay, we'll be okay because everything stays. Also, if you haven't already...go watch Adventure Time.

a letter to my younger self by Ambar Lucid

Another song with a more soothing sound, the song is a look back of encouragement to a younger self that feels hopeful (and although my younger self would laugh in my face), an older me is definitely somewhere telling me the same (or dead who knows).

I Wanna Get Better - Bleachers

I used to blast this song at 15. This song is more about grief and self-discovery through tragedy but ultimately, it's about wanting to be better. And I love a good shouty sad-but-motivational song.

This is Home - Cavetown

Also, a song younger me listened to, this song pretty much is a song about self-views and often times how I see myself. With the lines:

Get a load of this monster

He doesn't know how to communicate

His mind is in a different place

Will everybody please give him a little bit of space?

Get a load of this train wreck

His hair's a mess and he doesn't know who he is yet

But little do we know, the stars

Welcome him with open arms

It's how I feel about I'm regarded although this is my first attempt at being an adult. This is my first time being on my own. This is hard.

Today I went on my first eye exam by myself. I cried a little waiting for my appointment. This what my mom used to do, for a moment they couldn't find my insurance I thought about being a kid again. I thought about trying on the ugliest glasses and running up to my mom while she signed all those papers and gave them the information. I cried because I miss that.

When I came home from work the other day, the same thing occurred and I realized why these small actions are so hard for me: in comparison to a lot of my family, my childhood was easy, and everyone did the best they could and that's true. But being the oldest child in an financially unstable home early on, taking care of your siblings and shielding them, a heavy religious presence 100% telling you that whatever you feel is wrong, having attachment issues and mental health issues and none of that being on the table to talk about because you choose not to burden your parents because they have enough on their plate as is *breath* these small interactions of truly being a child. Not having to do anything but pick out the cutest glasses feel like an escape. A break.

Now those breaks are gone and it's your turn to talk to them about insurance and you still need to pick out budget friendly frames that still save you enough money for a ride home and groceries and paying your credit cards and being alive. Those safe havens are gone, and you have to take care of yourself. And it feels like a rug being ripped beneath your feet because outside of these precious moments you always have had to fend for yourself or someone else. It feels like you'll always be tired. It feels like a punishment.

Hopefully 20 brings funds, friends, and a real future. I've said before that I think I feel so lost because I didn't think I'd get this far, I thought I'd just kill myself and be done with it. Here's to the year that I finally feel found (maybe).