Addicted to an Addict

11/14/15 We matched on Tinder.

I was one of the rare few; from what I was told, that actually read over profiles instead of swiping left or right on the pictures alone. I enjoyed your profile. Was I really one of the only girls out there that cared what a potential partner had to say? Every profile was a small window into the type of person that was behind the app. A very very... very.... small, microscopic window...

Your profile read:

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Okay, first off, not just looking for hookups. I love meeting new people, especially if you're actually interesting! I have a wonderful two year old daughter, and I will not apologize, she comes first! I'm generally sarcastic, enjoy good company, and can't wait to meet you!

I can be very silly, usually in the hopes of making you smile... I am witty, but usually not until I get to know you. I work a job that does require lots of hours and traveling at times.

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Even as I sit here and type this... I can look at the same profile you abandoned over a year ago and it still reads the very same thing it did two years ago. Those two small paragraphs are what drew me in. Yes, you had a charming smile and oh so sweet eyes in those pictures... but it's what I read that made me want to talk to you.

So I did.

I stated our conversation out about how you didn't have a picture of your daughter that you had mentioned in your profile, but you did have a picture of a dog which you did not mention in the profile. You responded with a laugh and explained that there were some interesting characters on there that made you feel uncomfortable with leaving a picture of your daughter just out in the open. Smart. Understandable. And then you called me Miss; obviously followed by my name, but we shall keep that anonymous. That's what this is all about right? Just call me Venus. And you? Your name shall be Areas. For you became my god of war...

We continued and talked about our dogs; how it was a bit cold outside that morning. You said you were reading a book... I never once saw you read a book when you were with me. You told me your little girl was watching cartoons and running around like crazy. Our conversation went as normal. We spoke about work, you asked more about my dog, you told me more about yours. You asked about my school and called me Yes Ma'am, a habit that was one I loved and laughed at. I called you chivalrous and you laughed it off. And the very next morning I woke up to a message that read "Good morning beautiful!" You then told me you were doing one of my favorite morning activities.

Sunday morning cartoons!

I can recall only a single morning we actually did that...

You were watching Adventure Time. Me? I was watching Bob's Burgers. Your response was "I'm liking you more and more ever time we converse. I love Bob's Burgers!" Why did that line make me smile? I was already starting to like you on day two of simply talking. Silly girl...

Traveling was next. Yes, we talked about traveling and how we both loved it. We both agreed that road trips were never fun unless you have someone that would sing with you. You got so excited when I mentioned that first. God... you were so tone deaf when I finally got to hear you. But the more I heard it... the more I knew I would miss it if it ever left. I miss your voice so much. I miss your "white boy rap." That was always my favorite. You were so much better at it than you know.

Not too long after that, you gave me your number. I think it's because my responses became too slow thanks to work. Either way... I texted you. You were so sweet. God... you were so so sweet...

Snapchat

I don't have much memory of this. But you did. I knew you sent me a lot of stuff... and there was one picture in particular that I do happen remember. Though I will admit that it took you mentioning it to job the memory. It was a spider. I hate spiders. They are beautiful... but god they creep me out. And you knew that. That's why you sent it. Asshole. You sweet... sweet... charming asshole.

Apparently you never forgot me though. You even saved a lot of my snaps. You showed me them later on when we started dating. But that wasn't until this year. And that's a story that will be told. That's the story I'm here for. At that moment, we were chatty friends who had a mutual attraction. Or maybe not? You certainly were interested. But I... blocked you? For some reason I blocked you. I can't remember why, but god do I wish I still had every conversation so I could look back and see what you did. If you did anything. I told you I think I blocked you because I thought you were another guy I met... but... I just don't think that's the case. I know it isn't. Sadly... I'll never truly know why.

It wasn't until the start of this year that we reconnected. We apparently were friends on Facebook and had been that entire time! Why didn't you reach out to me on there when I blocked you? You sure did like a lot of my posts and I yours. We shared so many of the same things. And it was that that made me message you.

I wish that you would read this... because you never thought you did anything wrong. But that is through your eyes. This?

This is my story.

I want you to know how much I loved you. How much I love you. How much I hurt. How badly you hurt me. I want you to know just how much damage you caused... not because I want it to hurt you... but because I want it to open your eyes. I just want you to be better... "Do better." That's what you always said.

So here I am.

Doing better.

I love you.