Addicted to an Addict

It’s not easy talking about the things that hurt you...the things that you feel or even know others will judge you for. It’s even harder to talk about it when you are made to feel like you were the one that made all the mistakes. As if you were the reason everything failed.

Literally.

Everything.

So you stay quiet. You allow the anxiety to build up and up into crippling panic attacks; because you don't know how to just breathe. You allow those panic attacks to become relentless paranoia which makes you depressed every second of every waking day. These feelings find their way into your dreams and twist them into grisly nightmares. You start to wake up each morning with a twinge of anxiety which in turn starts the suicidal thoughts with every passing hour...but not enough for you to actually want to end it all. No. Just enough for you to cry so hard you scream until you have a migraine and are throwing up. Just enough that you start to fear for the safety of your life from yourself. Just enough to cause a panic attack that takes away the use and feeling or your legs and blinds you for a moment. Never enough...but just enough.

And then you start to wonder if it really was you. Is this me? Is it just his paranoia seeping into me? Am I the cause? Am I the one that continues to lash out and do wrong? Was I like this before? Have I always been this narcissistic and repellent to the people I fall in love with? No...maybe it’s the drugs he forced you to do. The meth. The many ways he forced it into your body. Or maybe it was his words. How he broke you down and called you a sex addict when you knew you weren’t. Even though he was the one taking pills or doing drugs or even drugging you in order to have a good night with your body. Was it possible it was the threats? Maybe. He was a dealer... and a dealer that had a lot of power and people on his side. But he wouldn’t hurt you... right? He would never send anyone after you. Wrong. How many times did he admit to having you followed? To having you watched at home or work? Now multiply. How many times did you not know...? How many times did he lie?

How far would he go? Because he had laid his hands on you so many times before. How many times had he grabbed you by the neck and slammed you against the wall? Against the door? The car? How many times had he thrown you on the bed and choked you until your fight started to die? How many times had his hand struck your cheek so hard that it left your face tingling and numb? How many more is it going to take before he goes to far...? How many...? How...many...?

But no. This couldn’t happen to you.

Never...

How could this ever happen to you? You were always so careful. You were smart. Those abusive relationships you hear about? There's no way you could have falling into that kind of trap. So how did you end up in one? Is this one? Are you just overthinking...? That’s what he’s telling you, right? Maybe he’s right. Maybe you’re the one that's just angry all the time. Maybe you’re the one that's causing all the fights. Maybe you’re the one that’s addicted...right? This...can’t be right...

This couldn’t happen to you.

This couldn't happen to me.

...right...?