Abuse Isn't Love: Domestic Violence in 'Soulmates'

Have you ever felt such a strong connection to someone and you immediately feel that they're meant to have a huge place in your life? They come in, you lock eyes, and then suddenly the entire world is different and you're thrown into a whirlwind of emotions and serotonin, left reeling at the intensity you're feeling. You can't stop thinking about them, can't stop wanting them, and even though you're not sure how to make it work, you do everything you possibly can to keep them.

It's both a blessing and a curse, because for an obsessive personality like mine, you think they're the end-all-be-all. They shower you with love, tell you that they want to marry you off-bat, introduce you to their family and you feel like it's forever.

For most, that would be too much intensity, but for the traumatized water sign in me, I thought it was my turn to be the happy couple marrying her soulmate. I ignored the red flags, throwing myself into a swirling maelstrom of attachment and codependency issues.

Soulmates have long been the standard for success in love and long-term relationships. Everyone wants to find their "one true love" and get married and be happy forever. Spirituality has become a trend, leading a lot of people down the 'twin flame' path, and caused a lot of hysteria around love and relationships.

When I met the person I thought was the one, I went through a spiraling maelstrom of emotion. We were both spiritual people, finding each other after finally accepting being single and happy on our own. It felt like fate.

Before long, the words 'unconditional love' and 'soulmates' were being thrown around and every time we would have an argument, shortly after, he'd come back with sweet words or the quality time that I craved, only for the cycle to repeat again.

The connection was so chaotic and strong, that I felt that I had to stick with it. I was so codependent on him and his love that I couldn't see clearly. When everything started to fall apart, I leaned on him and him on me, cementing us in this supposed 'soulmate' connection that I'd never felt before.

The honeymoon phase was over within two months and we'd moved in together. I'd lost my job for the sake of love, thrown away every shred of sensibility I had for someone that I wanted so desperately to convince of my worth.

The fights started to ramp up and the past traumas of childhood started to come to the surface. The abuses were always immediately followed by a bout of apologies and kind words, time spent, and positive emotion that would last for only a little while before it would return right back to abuse again.

I wasn't allowed to talk about it, wasn't allowed to see my family, was told that he was my family and that I didn't need anything else. When I would go home, I'd be accused of cheating on him. Always feeling a need to prove my love and unconditional acceptance, I'd fall right back into the cycle again.

It was a long time before I really learned what was happening and that my beautiful 'soulmate' bond was actually destroying my heart and degrading my self-worth. And I regret everyday, not being able to go back in time and keep myself from making the same mistakes I did, regardless of knowing that if I hadn't done it, I wouldn't know what I do now.

Nearly two years later, I wish I could've gone back in time and told myself to take it slow, to know my worth, and to be aware of the red flags instead of throwing caution to the wind for the sake of someone else and what I thought I wanted.

So please, dear reader, take my words as a cautionary tale. Soulmate love and connection is so widely sought after that we can mistake true love for the slightest bit of attention and intensity. Don't get lost in the sensations. Pay attention to the red flags and don't listen to just every person that throws their affection at you. Make them work for it and get to know the real, beautiful you.

Green flags are important. Showing respect for your boundaries is important. Taking it at the right pace for you and your partner is important. Communication is important.

And when someone shows you their true colors... Believe them.

At the end of the day, your experiences are meant for your growth and yours alone. But if my story can help anyone, please let it. Know that any person who hurts you in the name of love, who controls your emotions and strings you along with honeyed words is not your soulmate.