About Me With A Little Bit of Anxiety

ABOUT ME WITH A LITTLE BIT OF ANXIETY

My life will never know which direction to take. My heart and mind will never agree. My personality will always contradict itself. And my emotions will always be the ones that are in control.

These are the absolutes that seem to rule my life from what I am able to see. I am my own worst enemy. Trapped in a mind that will continually sabotage itself. I sometimes get a glimpse of what it's like outside my head and begin to realize that all these emotions and negative feelings really are only in my head. I wish I could cherish those moments, because they make everything clear, but they also show me how ridiculous I was acting before I got this clarity. I am still trying to find myself and make sense of what I can do in this world, but it’s harder than I thought. All I know is what I like and what I don’t like, which is only a minimal guide, because I don’t know what exactly I want to do with my life.

A continual problem I struggle with is how to express my personality. Expressing myself has never come easily. I feel that sometimes, compared to others, I am very boring; but that is exactly where I go wrong. I know I need to stop comparing myself to everyone around me, because that's the first step into accepting me as I am. I’m writing this to express my innermost thoughts that I can't seem to form into verbal words. I've never been much of a talker. I may make a sassy comment every now and then, but many people don't know that's part of my personality and it usually surprises them when it does happen.

I also struggle with some mental issues, and the fact that I try not to let it show has actually fooled many people in my life into thinking nothing is wrong with me. Like most people who struggle with a mental illness, I put on a façade in an attempt to come across as normal, but there is so much more to me than what I let on. I have many of my own demons that I have created and have to face on a daily basis. I am not trying to say my life is the worst, because it’s not, I know there are people out there who have it worse than me. That’s where my empathy comes in. I have in some similarities, but not exact, felt the kind of emotional pain of someone who is suffering from some type of trauma experienced in life. In these instances, I try to react with compassion and understanding. From my own experiences, I’ve learned that it's easy to put yourself in the mindset of another person and begin to understand what it is that they’re going through. The way to help each other through those moments is through love and support. When we are able to make it through the hard times in life, we become a little more stronger than before.

I think it's important to keep in mind that everyone is different, and everyone has some kind of mental bruise on them. Now my trauma started when I was just 4 years old. The main negativity that has stuck with me my entire life and probably will be around for a very long time, because it has been drilled into my brain from such a young age, is the lack of self-confidence. I will always question whether I am good enough in pretty much every aspect of life. There have been many kind-hearted people who, when finding this out about me, tell me that I have nothing to be insecure about. Here is where the “walk in another person’s shoes” comes in to be very helpful for use of empathy. When you have the thought that you weren't even good enough for one of your own parents' love at age 4 and it sticks with you so bright and fresh in your brain all the way till adulthood, you will tend to doubt yourself in everything too.

As I said before, my personality is a contradiction. I may hate all the negative things I do and exhibit, but I have to also be grateful for them. Every impact of every person in my life has made me who I am today, it's made me more passionate and understanding than I ever thought I could be. I see and feel the pain of the people who suffer around me. I know how to put myself in the other person’s shoes and be able to see their viewpoint or mindset. I know when I am unreasonable, or at least I will eventually when I have the time to cool off and will always apologize for any anger or rash behavior. I react harshly sometimes because I am unstable, but I apologize because I will remember that no one deserves to be treated like that.

I don't want to go on to repeat myself, but I have to make one thing clear: I am not selfless. I am actually very selfish because I am human. Kindness is something that comes naturally to me, obviously for the reasons I said before, but people need to be taught that. I learned how to be kind, I didn't just one day say “Hey, I think it's time to be nice now!” It doesn't really work like that. I'm sure everyone knows that children have minds like sponges, they will absorb everything from everyone around them and it will have an effect on who they become in the future. Now it came a little late for me growing up, but I did eventually learn you need to respect others in order for them to like you. I finally understood that at 13 or 14 years old. I was seen as nice and shy at 11, but I'm afraid that I was mean to the friends I had, and they deserved more respect than what I gave them. I don't want to get involved in forming opinions on things that I am no expert in, but maybe that's the problem in society: we learn a little too late in life to show respect to each other.

I’ve been rambling, which is one of my flaws, but this writing is supposed to give just a little bit of insight of why I am the way I am. I don't know which direction to go in, but at least I can find my own path, even when I'm lost. My mind says one thing and my heart says another, but I do my best to listen to both because they need equal attention. I may contradict myself all the time, but I see that as a way to be optimistic and have the ability to comprehend multiple viewpoints. And my emotions may always get the better of me, but they make me want to strive to be a better person.