Abandoned

Sometimes I have found myself lost. What feels like has been an eternity has in reality only been a good portion of my eighteen years of life. Fitting in was a daily challenge that constantly I couldn’t seem to win. From the day my mother remarried being the only girl with three brothers set me up for failure in the game of fitting in.

Social confusion is an understatement of the empty space that swallowed me throughout the halls of middle school. Not finding my place with friends seemed to be one of the things I was good at. Spending my lunch days in the library with my nose drowned in the Twilight series, thinking at least Bella is my friend. Not having friends made me an easy target for social punishment also known as bullying. You see it wasn’t just a moment in time that I didn’t fit in, it has been my entire life. I’ve failed so much that I spent Christmas evenings alone while others played games, I couldn’t be included, I was the only girl. They didn’t want their girl cousin to play video games and could I blame them.

In school there were the normal cliques. The popular girls, the nerdy girls, the sporty girls, the boys, and then me. The one girl who just couldn’t find her place and nobody seemed to be bothered. I almost wonder now after graduating highschool if there were other girls who went unnoticed like me. I have always felt like the only one.

I remember getting my first job, it was as a busser at a local restaurant in my town. Even there the woman didn’t seem to notice me, they talked on breaks and I sat in my car watching from afar. I worked so hard not only at my job but to be seen and still it was like everyone was blind. Around this time I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, just another strike towards me ever being accepted.

The locals who came to eat almost every other day couldn’t seem to remember my name despite the shiny white tag pinned across my black shirt. Couldn’t fit in at school, couldn’t fit in at home, and couldn’t fit in at work. Let me tell you, not fitting in is one of the loneliest feelings in the world. You will ask yourself what you can do to fix it, but there's nothing. You will play copycat with the other girls, but won't be close to the right way of doing it.

It wasn’t until the summer of 2020 that I began to find where I belonged, online. I started gaming in August of 2020 and met some of the most incredible people. For the longest time I kept my gaming mic muted, afraid of rejection, judgment. These people opened my eyes to the social cliques of gaming. I can with my whole heart honestly tell you that it was the first time in my life I felt like I belonged somewhere. Not only that I belonged somewhere but that my presence was valued, it was wanted, it was enjoyed.

After spending a lifetime feeling abandoned by society I finally felt seen. These people online weren’t blind, they were looking right at me, they saw not only me but my soul. As insane as it sounds I’m sure it’s even more insane to read, but these people, this gaming world, brought me joy and acceptance that I had never felt in seventeen years of life.

Now at eighteen I work as a cna in a nursing home and adore everything I do, my staff and the resident have given me a spiritual home, I could not change it for the world. I don’t know if I have completely found my place in the world, but I have found my people, and for now that brings me peace.