A Woman’s Worth

Chapter 1: Identity Crisis

As I look into the mirror, I don’t recognize the girl looking back at me. Every day I struggle with loving myself. Why can’t I look like the girls in the magazine? Why don’t the guys at school think I’m pretty? What is wrong with me?

“Ava, why can’t you just be pretty?” I say this to myself every single time I look in the mirror. All I ever wanted was to know what it was like to receive attention from guys. I wish I could look like the pretty girls in my class. Instead I am viewed as the ugly outcast. All the things that I try to do to fit in never seems to work. Rather than it working, things seem to get worse. Once I realized that I would never fit in with the popular kids I gave up. I started staying to myself and no longer wanted to be bothered with anyone.

By me staying to myself, I began to have more resentment towards myself. All I ever wanted was to have friends and I couldn’t even do that right. By me making up lies in the past it made people not like me. Maybe I shouldn’t have tried to fit in, I should have been myself all long. Well, it’s whatever at this point because this is my last year at Greenfield Academy any way. I honestly cannot wait to graduate this year because I will be able to start over my life completely.

As I am sitting here thinking about my life after graduation, I wonder if I’m ever going to make friends or actually have a boyfriend. Maybe I will never have a boyfriend because I am not pretty enough. At this point, I get tired of battling with myself. It is Thanksgiving break and I am bored out of my mind. I grab my phone and start downloading dating apps. Let’s see where this can actually go. Maybe I can find my other half on here or maybe this will be useless. All I want is to find someone so I can fill this void of emptiness. I am tired of being alone, I see other people with their boyfriends and I just want it to be my turn.

There is nothing great about feeling this way at all. So, I just go for it and start messaging guys on the dating apps that I downloaded. I cross my fingers and hope someone messages me back. After I am done messaging people, I get up from my bed and decide to take my night-time shower. I just need to relax my mind and stop feeling sorry for myself at this point. I am just going to have fun with this experience and see where it takes me.

After I take my shower, I decide to check my phone to see if anyone messaged me back. To my surprise I actually see that a few guys responded to my messages. I put a baggy shirt and some sweatpants on, then I climb into bed. Once I’m settled into bed, I start to look at my messages. I am actually really excited about this because I finally have people to talk to. It gets boring after a while being by yourself with your own thoughts.

Even though I just said that I’m excited about talking to these guys, I’m also nervous about it at the same time. When it comes to dating apps, you are never sure of what is real and what is fake. People pretend be someone they are not all the time. I hoping that isn’t the case for me. I just simply want to meet a decent guy, let’s see where this goes…