It happened. We broke up. It wasn’t planned, but we fell out and instead of shouting at each other and stomping off in annoyance, we actually talked it out and decided that this relationship is unhealthy. We love each other, but recently we’ve been hating each other a lot more. But do you know what? I feel great. I feel so relieved. I don’t have to answer to anyone, the sun is shining, and I can wear that dress he hates. I’m off to the park for a barbecue and then drinks with my flatmates. I’m excited for what’s to come.
Okay, I take it back. I don’t feel great. I’m not a massive crier but I found it pretty tricky to stop my bottom lip from curling under today. I went for my end-of-relationship hair cut, as I have done for each and every other. Choosing a new ‘do for the new you and all that. However, I now look like a blonde Willy Wonka. Am I being punished for ending the relationship? Was it the biggest mistake of my life?
Tonight was my grad ball. I got absolutely wasted. I don’t remember much but I definitely cried and sat in the corner necking rum out of a hip flask at one point. And then I got in touch with an old flame from first year and needlessly to say, we banged. It was AMAZING and it made me feel so much better. He gave me more attention and care in 8 hours than my boyfriend had given me since around November. Usually I’d be worried about sleeping with someone so quickly because I get attached like a limpet. But this guy is nothing more than a piece of meat to me. With a massive cock. Sorry, boys, but you too can be used like that.
Left meat's around 12. Nothing happened in the morning—we just chatted and caught up. It was funny because we shagged after the Fresher’s ball and then again after our grad ball—we’ve come full circle. And it feels amazing. The circle could become an O, if you know what I mean. Although I do find it pretty hard to come with company and without my vibrator.
Later on in the afternoon, my flatmates and I had a small barbecue in the garden, which was really nice. One of their dogs is staying for a bit, and he’s obsessed with my room for some reason. The other day, he was lying on my on bed and I wanted to go to sleep, so I shooed him out and went to the toilet. When I came back to my room, I opened the door and he was there, lying on my bed staring up at me with puppy dog eyes. It’s going to take some getting used to having all these males voluntarily in my bedroom.
Shagged the meat again. It was pretty saucy. It went on for a couple hours—my legs hurt so much today (5). I could really empathise with everyone who ran the Edinburgh marathon this morning. I do hate that nickname, though. He needs another. Let’s call him, "flame." Nice, he’d like that.
Back to yesterday—well, technically still this morning—we were running a marathon in my bedroom. I mean everywhere. Although he wouldn’t stop talking all the way through it and I couldn’t concentrate. You know girls, you gotta engage. We 69-ed for the first time which was so nerve racking, but I got into it. And then I queefed in his face. It was so embarrassing I can’t even tell you. My face was as auburn as his hair.
The loneliness hits. I finish work expecting at least four messages but there were zero. Zero. Not even a Facebook notification. No one was thinking about me for six hours, and then I realised I was going to be alone forever. No boyfriend has ever put in the effort for me and no boyfriend ever will. I’m not worthy and I’m going to die alone.
Luckily, flame boy just texted me so maybe there will be a fire tonight. Is this a good idea or would this be suppressing my feelings? I can get quite cutesy with him like I did with my ex but I think that’s just routine. Anyway, that’s my evening sorted.
Last night was amazing. It was mind blowing. It was the best sex I’d ever had. He has such a massive cock—every time I’m in awe of it. I swear it grows an inch a day. We discussed all the fantasies we’d been having for each other. I’ve been thinking about him a lot this week, and he has me too. When we were having sex, he was being very weird, though. He kept yabbering on at nonsense things while we were going at it and it was quite annoying to say the least. Apparently it was because he was really excited about the concept of me again. When we first started sleeping together in first year, he became rather fond of me and, perhaps, even loved me. But I threw it away over something insignificant. I don’t really imagine myself ever liking him in that way, though. I’m only attracted to him sexually. I’ve never felt this horny for anyone in my life. Every time he pops into my head, I get a lady boner. He says he wants to experiment with me and try role play and stuff. Let’s just say I’m very, very excited. And there’s a dress he wants me to wear to our next meeting.
Today’s my birthday. It’s 1:30 and I already feel so lonely. Is this what it means to be an adult? Crying on your birthday?
I FaceTimed my Mum when I got up, as she sent me a package during the week which I was saving to open with her. This is going to sound very ungrateful, but I’m always disappointed with the things she buys. It’s not the gifts. It’s the fact that she just doesn’t know me at all and hasn’t really made an effort to. I think she’s quite used to this now because she always sends me the receipts too with a "no obligation to keep" note. Ah, Mum. I don’t think we’ll ever meet the expectations we have of one another.
Now I’m sat waiting on my daily jacket potato and plucking my eyebrows. I have absolutely nothing to do today, and it doesn’t sound like anyone else is doing anything either. I hate birthdays; I always have and I always will. I love other people’s, don’t get me wrong, but the idea of a day dedicated to me is… stress-inducing. It probably feels a lot worse today because I did have plans and now they’re cancelled, for obvious my-relationship-ended reasons. These things happen, though, don’t they? I’d rather be out of that relationship than have a great birthday. It may seem awkward that we ended things just before my 22nd, but there’s never going to be a good time. Still happy with our decision.
Today turned about to be pretty nice. I met some friends recently through my flatmate, and they’ve been more supportive and attentive than my current friends. We sat out in the sun with some smokes and some wine (all consumed solely by moi). My new life is definitely progressing into something fab. Unfortunately flame is in Edinburgh this evening so he can’t give me my present, which I’m pretty gutted about. He did ask if I wanted to join he and his friends for dinner, though, so maybe I should lay off a bit. Not looking for any sides with my meaty main dish if I’m honest. Sex-only would be ideal, although who would complain about the premise of free food.
I’m going to meet with some friends at a bar for a couple drinks, and then that’ll be it for another year. Happy birthday to me, single as the day I was born.