A smelly way to start a relationship

Ok before we start this, you need to not tell my wife about this story. She doesn’t read my Vocal profile; I will only send her the word document versions of my stories that I want to share with her. Now I think we have entered a contract with each other, and you are bound to comply with those conditions after reading the first few lines of this story (I would encourage you to seek independent legal advice on that I just don’t want my wife stabbing me in my sleep).

Ok, now that the boilerplate stuff is out of the way.

My wife and I had just started dating, we were very much in the honeymoon phase at about four months. Although I hadn’t realized it at that point, she had sneak moved in. By that I mean she was basically spending every night at my place, had moved her clothes and personal effects into my cupboard, and had claimed space in the bathroom drawers.

Things were going quite well, I‘d met her family, and even though they weren’t my type of people I could get on with them. Neither of us was wild party animals and we both preferred nights in rather than going out on the town all the time. Generally, quite compatible, and overall, a good solid start to a relationship.

Then my wife got giardia. If you’re not sure what giardia is, it’s basically an intestinal infection that leads to severe bouts of diarrhea and vomiting. It is generally caused by exposure to water that contains the giardia bacteria. We think that it had been from a trip we had taken on the weekend to a local watering hole.

Anyway, here was my, new girlfriend absolutely smashed with poo and vomits. She was getting dehydrated and losing her sense of humor quickly. I was sent to the convenience store to get her a cherry-flavored lollipop because that always made her feel better when she was sick. After searching high and low as well as enlisting the shop assistant, we realized that there were no cherry lollipops anywhere.

I rang my girlfriend to see what other flavors might help and was berated with an “I JUST WANT A CHERRY LOLLIPOP”.

I ended up going to another two stores before I finally found the appropriate lollipop. I returned home and she apologized for her earlier outburst. Over the years I have learned that it’s best to keep my wife well-fed, otherwise, she gets very hangry!

We finally got to the doctor who diagnosed the giardia and prescribed some very strong antibiotics to kill the offending bacteria. I got the prescription filled and got my girlfriend back to my apartment. She took the antibiotics and had a small bit of food. While she rested on the couch, I went for a shower.

When I returned to the living room, I walked into something that felt like I had just walked into the exhaust from a semi-trailer. It was a shockingly disgusting smell, the likes of which I would compare to the odor that rises from cow carcasses in the scorching sun.

I looked at my girlfriend and asked, “Did you fart?”

She looked a bit sheepish, then started to blush. This was the first time she had passed wind in front of me (although for the preceding week I had heard a range of noises coming from the toilet as she dealt with her giardia, but she always made a point of spraying air freshener afterward).

“I’m sorry, I thought it would have gone away by now” she replied.

I could feel my eyes watering and a desire to wretch. As I opened and closed my lips in an exaggerated fashion, I said, “I think I can taste it”.

This caused her to throw a couch cushion at me, followed by, “Shut Up!”

Although it was the heart of winter, I still needed to open the winter and allow that evil beast to return to the depths of Hell from which it had obviously come.

Eventually, the air cleared, and I only bring this story up at weddings, anniversaries, birthdays, and any other event when people ask, “why is your nickname for your wife Stinky?”

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I hope you have enjoyed this story. If you did, please like or comment or leave a tip. I mean, after all, I’m probably going to need to find a good divorce lawyer when one of you spills this story to my wife!

If you like my embarrassing stories, here’s another one I’m quite proud of: