A Love of My Own

Where do I begin? How shall I begin? It is 4:24 am and I'm up listening to Eric Benet's "A Love of My Own." This has been one of my favorite songs at this current time. It deals with love coming, going, and the search for a love of my own.

It's been two months since I went through a change in my love life. For a year I had been dating someone exclusively. We'll call him Byron as to protect his identity. For me dating exclusively means that we are dating with the intention of being a relationship.

Starting off everything was a bed of roses. Byron and I met on Tindr in February 2019. During that time I was making transitons as it pertained to my job. I matched with Byron and he immediately hit me up. The conversation was beautiful. We asked each other likes and dislikes. February 27th, 2019 was the first date that Byron and I went on.

For the next several months we dated seeing each other every other weekend. However for a couple months we saw each other once per month and then all of a sudden, this man ghosted me.

It all started in February 2020. We were heading into Valentine's day and Byron and I had made tentative plans for the big day. However those plans went from tentative to non existent due to him and I both having to work. However ,in the months leading up to Valentine's Day, our time together had become less and less.

I had voiced how I felt but nothing changed. Then the week after Valentine's Day, Byron stopped responding to my texts and left me on read. I let him know that there were some grievances and some concerns that I had. He and I agreed that we'd date exclusively. I guess that wasn't what he really wanted.

After he ghosted me, I sent Byron a lenghty text advising that it was best that we do not date but just be friends. He never responded. He didn't even wish me a happy birthday.

It seems that love had eluded me again. This isn't the first time, but I demand that it be the last time I get screwed in the love department. Why does it seem that I can't find the mate that I desire? What am I doing wrong?

I'm a transwoman with ambition, love, determination and strongwill. As Chaka Khan said by way of Ashford and Simpson, "I'm every woman." I'm the housekeeper, the love machine, the nurturer, and the listener. I'm all these things, but it seems that I keep getting closeted lovers, married suitors, and basic screw boys.

I want more than a one night stand. I don't want someone else's love. I simply want a love of my own. I want that love that holds me at night. I want that love that cuddles with me to watch a good movie with popcorn. I want nights of dinner with red wine and slow jazz. I want my fairytale ending.

Why has love left me out? Have I missed the love train?

I am sick and tired of nights alone. It would like to leave work some nights and come home to flowers and a handsome man in my kitchen cooking me dinner for a change. I would love falling asleep in the arms of my love. I would love to share walks in the park with my soul mate.

Every time that I see a happy couple a have of emotions take over me. I feel joy for love, but I also feel sadness as there is no one walking beside me. There is no one holding my hand. There is no one laughing with me.

I am all alone by myself. This quarantine has made the loneliness much worse. I'm only to text, facetime, and email my friends. I'm used to having that company. A girl can't even go to her favorite restaurant for date night.

I can't even score a factime date at this point. I'm wondering should if I should just wait until whenever we are out of quarantine to even start showing interest in anyone. Granted I have met some handsome and seemingly fabulous candidates. I guess I'll just see what happens.

I am still alone. I am still sleeping all alone. I am still waking up alone. I just want to be someone's Michelle while they are my Obama. That's the type of love I want. I want someone that will look at me like a man looks at his Porsche. I guess it will come one day.