A life of Grief

It was 2003 I got pregnant by Darrin, even though I was a promiscuous young lady just getting out there in the world testing out my royal oats really. But I knew it was his baby I didn’t tell him that I was pregnant while I was pregnant. I call my grandmother and I told her my situation. She told me I will take you to parent plan hood and I will never speak of this... I said okay thank you Granma.

Background: my grandmother was all so abused as well ha ha husband would be or her but he didn’t one particular time I was a kid and I was there when he did whatever he did. He beat my grandmothers ass and I was shocked to see what I had just saw but I was really really young so there was nothing I could do about it but just look and that’s how it was with my father. My grandmother is a very educated woman she has so many accomplishments I can’t even name them but she’s really smart. She’s and actress, and a low key rapper. She’s does poetry fr.. she’s a beast. I always looked up to her fr.

I just went on and kept living my life... but while living it smh 🤦🏾‍♀️ shit happens. I always felt Obligated to let you guys know what the fuck is going on with me, because I was never given the option or a choice so the man that I am involved with a give them a choice. Nail is like I really have to take time to get to know a man if he approaches me because I have never been the type of woman to open up my legs easily but I have to take time he has to know me I have to know him I have to figure out whether I want this person to know my vaginal business for real for real I’m just keeping it 💯 frfr. But this is some of this shit you’re going to have to go through when you have an STD but I don’t know because a lot of women don’t be saying nothing about it and they don’t tell their partner which I think is fucked up. But you have to be willing to except the truth within yourself fr. All I know Wees is there I didn’t give it to me I wasn’t out here holding around doing stuff that maybe I wasn’t supposed to be doing, but I was fast I can say that. I’ve always had a very desirable look and I didn’t know that because I had low self-esteem about myself..fr. Dennis light I got a Knigge every time I turn around they always trying to grapple me they go always wanna talk to me they always want to honk or at me. It’s like I can’t get away from my face I can’t get away from my body I just want to get away for me to be honest. ( this is very therapeutic By the way ✍️ ) Then I run into this guy Named DJ he burned me too I had Trichomonas🤭😮😧😦. You men and your unclean penises really need to get that shit together. So after that moment I started writing down every guy that I was with after that. I would just write them in a book just to keep track so I can know where my pussy Been at. 🤦🏾‍♀️ A I’m a lady, all women don’t do that shit FYI . The men that I encounter with they got a younger me a adolescent me It was the kidding me they was really looking for a father but I didn’t know that who who would. I was always a private little girl I would never like to tell my mother anything like let me tell you a story about my mom.

So I worked at our house one evening with my best friend and I walk roughly 2 to 3 blocks over from our house and I went in a girlfriends basement it was a boy around the neighborhood his name was kenard and I guess you can say he was my neighborhood crush. Everybody always used to call him dirty or slow but I never thought of him like that he was always funny to me I will just be real bashful when he would come around. The guys in my neighborhood didn’t really like me because I was darkskin, I was tall,I was slinky and goofy fr. People really didn’t rock wit me beacuse I was me (different). Back to the story about my mom I went to a friends house and I had sex with canard the first time in my life. It was hurting but what could I do on the restroom floor with 2 other guys in the room ... nothing let him do his business and go. I told him to get off of me I felt so uncomfortable 😣 though. My mom had came looking for me she was calling my name and the next day she said “was you out there having sex😯” I told her yes. She flew over the table and fucked me up and said “ I’m calling u a bitch cause that’s what your acting like. I lied and said the boy raped me she called my real father I just remember that moment like yesterday. I want to let it go, but it’s like that was a tragic event in my life that I can never forget. I forgive my mother but I didn’t for a long time. You guys have to understand my mother is Beaut & pretty young. She’s like 49-50 my bio dad is 46-47 fr... smh I do have young parents. I click with my RaRa more then my mom fr. My uncle Jr said to me you’ll never be looked at the same in your house, but this is your family and we love you. For many years I felt bad about me claiming rape on this individual who never did it! eventually I came out with the truth that day it happened! But it was just a really really awkward feeling in my household for a long time. The people in my house we try to make jokes about it they would try to laugh it off or make light of it but I couldn’t. Having this good girl image and then having your image tear down that shit hurts when you’re black and shit. I’m just being honest with my truth some people may feel me some people may not feel me some people make understand me some motherfuckers won’t understand me I’m not asking for the person that’s reading this to understand me I’m just putting my story out there because I’m tired of sitting back watching other people launch off to a great careers awesome careers but I’m in a project Now, coming from Baltimore county I’ll live in the projects. No I don’t wanna be here I don’t even wanna wake up sometimes into the hell that I feel like I’m in. Its not only because of what I’ve went through in my life, because I’m a strong individual I don’t blame other people for my faults that I’ve made in my life. I’ve learned from them to be honest.I just wanna share my story so the next person can read it and they can think about what they do before they do it and maybe to just make them be more cautious more safe. But that’s me and my mothers relationship is getting back on point but I love my Rara and I love my mother I Love my mother it’s a different kinda love fr.

Don’t let me forget to tell y’all about this guy named Big Fred. The reason why they called him big Fred because he was so muscular and B he used to work out a lot but he was also a rapper he walked into the store that I was working in DTLR and he was talking to me he got personal so personal to weird at the end of the night he landed at my please. I wasn’t or no fucking shit I’m just a friendly person. I try to think about the good in people then the worst in people because I’m not a bad person I was raised up in the church all my life so I have a godly spirit for real. I didn’t identified with that spirit that I carry when I ran across big Fred . I told him I could wrap he was like let me hear something I say what I say and he he loved it. He looked at me with so many so much inspiration I felt like there was about to start some shit that I wasn’t ready for. But he gave me A name and I went with it because it matched me so well. I was A delicious 🍫 MS.KYTKAT . We opened up for RICKROSS, lil Webbie, AZ, Then I did a song and shot a video with Huli Shalone. I was living the young dream fr... but it was another niggas dream fr that I was living or was it my dream. He was like a beast to me, I was the beauty. That anit really matter to me cause he anit love me he just knew my father from running the streets. I felt safe though he had big arms nigaas was saluting him. The mentality that I had it was fucked up, I didn’t know that it was fucked up until I fucked up.

I’m still pushing this music shit it just gets further and further everyday I wake up. I have MS I know I told you, but it starts acting up. I always been a worker, now you telling me I have to stay in. I can’t go to work no more I have to wait for a check that’s fucked up I don’t want to live no more. That’s how I felt not what I wanted but I just kept that smile up on me playing it real phony. Anit nothing wrong wit me I’m happy 😊 can’t you see I’m smiling😬🙂😇. So I went back to my RaRa’s house to stay for about 3 years fr. I started working out got a membership, paying my bills. Shit was fucked up but I was eating good still.

I was @ work I got a call that Fred got shot in the neck. The first thought I couldn’t think I just wanted to be by his side really. I went from hating this man to caring for this man in the hospital oh yeah I was sucking big dick because nobody else would do that shit I love them though and I cared about him, so I said to myself I hate this bitch but I really want him to pull through in a relationship that he has with my grandmother my father and Jesus wanted to be loyal to him and my father’s name... I don’t know what I was thinking but fuck that N****.

He calls me steal every so often asking me for some pussy laugh in my head because now I feel bad for him but what you do to people in this universe it will eventually come back to you and that’s what happened to him .

I haven’t been doing any music for sec at this point, but I always stayed in my book writing some shit. I was it Lexington market in this young handsome man spoke to me I was like I want the Nike boots that’s what I want I said to myself and him. I gave him my number which is hit it off from there I stay with him for about 2 to 3 years they were good years of my life... it wasn’t the best though. It was really good though. I fell in love with a guy from Senegal. But I had to fuck it up because Danny walked back in my life and fucked it up again at all my friend from synagogue that I was moving to Atlanta that was crazy right I didn’t move nowhere I stayed in Baltimore I was just in love with a thug. Or in love with the potential that he didn’t see. Smh 🤦🏾‍♀️. But I fucked up a good relationship beacuse I was missing the love of my father fr. I never had a man do me right or treat me right when the good ones started coming I pushed em away.

Now I just want to be better cause I learned from my mistakes. I be searching for God, the wisdom and the knowledge. I be having some men plug me in but they only want one thing from me.

I just be thinking to myself you don’t want to see a bitch grow you want to see a bitch be great, why do you have to come in and fuck up shit that’s going great for real . Cause they want a cookie and they really can’t resist it. “Your a goddess (that’s what I tell myself) there all going to want you. It’s all in your genes 🧬 u just gotta be strong boop!” Now tell me how crazy I sound saying that shit to myself....🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️🤔🤔🤔

I’m 32 now and my style is really changing. My gifts that came from god I’m just trynna bless somebody wit. Not tryin to pass the torch I’m just looking and standing still .