A Heartfelt Thank You

I want to say thank you to all of you that connected with my story "STRUGGLING" and responded to it in some way. I originally started it off to be a poem but I was having a really bad day and it seemed as though nothing was going right. So I just let the words flow until I came to a place where they just stopped.

After a day or so, the words seemed to flow again with the hurt that was seething under the surface and despite the fact that I obviously wasn't okay my family thought it was just mood swings or mom just being mom. I was told that I needed to quit having an outburst and to control myself but nobody asked exactly what was wrong and why did I seem so angry.

Unfortunately, I am used to that kind of response from my family because when I do try and tell them whats wrong they just tell me to get over it or if I write something expressing my negative emotions..... they request that I delete whatever it is I wrote. Usually when this happens, I wind up just swallowing and pushing down the pain until I can show a positive mask hiding the truth beneath.

For me writing is a way to educate as well to satisfy my curiosity about history. I rarely allow myself to go behind the mask that I present to the world because its painful. "STRUGGLING" helped me realize that I needed to do something seriously about my mental health so I reached out to my doctor and asked for a recommendation for a therapist.

So far, I have had 2 appointments via telehealth which allows me to go about my day as mom while still taking an hour out of it for my appointments. Do I feel that ultimately I might need more......Yes. Do I feel like at some point I will go in person..... definitely yes. For now this is the best that I can do.

Its been a few days , since I started this article of thanks but a lot has happened. After taking time to deal with issues such as back to school for both my two youngest heartbeats, our family suffered a loss. One of my heartbeats cousins passed away from cancer. She will be missed greatly. At this point writing has taken a bit of a back seat as we grieve.

For me though, writing has been what calms in the midst of turmoil and grief. I might struggle sometimes to get the words out or even to get emotions out but isn't that what every writer does?

Other things that I had going on was the celebrating of my girls birthdays and even that was tinted with a bit of sadness and anxiety on my part due to the realization that we are all getting older and that there is nothing to stop it but treat each day as though it was special and glorious.

As i wind this down, again I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart to all who in someway connected and benefited from hearing my truth in STRUGGLING. For me, I will continue to let the truth escape my lips through writing. As for therapy, there is no shame in finding someone to talk to if you need the help.

I will continue to say that I am not OK because it is my truth ..... but another of my truths is that while I am not Ok ..... I am striving to be better.