A Diamond in the Rough

So here I stay with feelings of doubt, watching others with lovers while my heart felt torn out. Left out feeling, the party of one, recovering from a loss that's one-sided to none. Like Valentine’s Day, that’s on repeat, with the lovey vibes and the kissy treats. What does it really mean to be in a relationship? You go through your life thinking about what it feels like to be with someone and you watch others be in a relationship.

You wonder what it means to feel that connection. To imagine the thing you thought you once had wasn’t compared to what you see and how much it makes your experience seem… less than, unreal, artificial. You wonder if you ever really know what people call love.

You start to constantly question your life and the people you love. Did they really love you? Do you really love yourself? How to know when it’s felt. You think it was cheating but insecurities are what did you. Innocent as a baby, I still let you in. You showed me your demon and I believed it was slain, your paranoia overwhelmed me and drove me away.

The Downfall

You had it in your mind that I was just like the others, yet I was the Diamond a dozen, that shined for you and no other. You were confused about the situation, then couldn’t believe the explanation. Bothered by the truth, you searched for a truth that wasn’t there. Validated your feelings and insecurities with past mistakes. I considered you in all that was done, even when it came to saving us money with traveling for fun. You didn’t realize what my sexuality really meant, because you thought they’re all the same when I’m not even close to date.

How is it that you want to talk when your peace is disturbed? You gaslight me without even knowing and project your insecurities just because of the insight you have on me. Unknown to the effects, you believed what you read was true as if verbatim it said “I cheated on you”. It's such a logical thing that made sense so once you saw my mistake in wordplay, you cemented for yourself for it to be true.

Fallen Sacrifice 

Such wrong assumptions that you never consider the space that was needed. It didn’t occur how new it was to be a constant to be with someone so much without needing space for themself. Time to regroup, to miss, to reassure, to properly fall. So much insecurity and confusion that ran through your brain you decided what was true even if it was a lie and shame.

It’s what made sense to you because unlike what’s said, you understand your thoughts and pushed mine away. Confused and hurt we see the truth. Seeing others was your fear and it became what you damaged here. My heart was always pure and did no wrong. All I was troubled with, was what was love and if my feelings were wrong. Trust was no longer there, safety either. I didn’t feel safe anymore, because what you did after made it all feel unreal.

You asked for things that I didn’t want to give. I felt convinced because I still had faith in you. Disappointed rose as my dignity decreased, you took the rest of my innocence when all I wanted was peace. Maybe I should have acted, when the demon came alive. I focused too much on my own growth that I looked over that devil's note. You reclaim the title of the writer to release your pain. Now that I’ve been doing it for a while now, my feelings are all out for your shade.

Blue Boy Diamond

I tried my best even if you don’t believe me, Cheat I did not, only confusion and fear were there, and a decision was made, to no longer be my getaway. A throne you called me, something only for you, a change in location and you still believe I never loved you. You did this, YES YOU. Insecurities and fear are what did you. Left everything in tears, we had a good ending, until someone brought us back and things got ugly. Now so hurt as if my life gone to shambles, because of the Diamond, my Diamond. My blue boy Diamond has scratched me, to the point where I can no longer feel, or touch.

So hope you’re happy because you lost something grand. A pure soul that all he needed was comfort and proof that I can call you home. Wasn’t enough to make you believe that pain and distance are what we’ve achieved. Birthday blessings are what you thought you gave, ending with this lie that I was taken by other gays. Hate that your thoughts still end up in my mind, because my feelings were true even when you thought they were a lie. Not sure how to close this because what I went through was so heartbreaking, now we have to move on with life, knowing that what did us in was your insecure jealousy and gaslighting.