A Daily Struggle

by Devin Lamb 2 years ago in lgbtq

Of a FTM Transgender

A Daily Struggle

The daily struggle an FTM Transgender goes through is hard on the body and mind. We go from having to look ourselves in the mirror hating ourselves to transforming into the man that we strive to become.

Morning Routines

Every morning when I wake up I have to put on this thing called a "Binder." The binder looks like chopped off tank top, but it's super constricting and the purpose of it is to bind my chest down so it's flat like a cis-gendered male. These things are extremely dangerous and have been known to cause bruised ribs and it's recommended to not sleep with it on nor workout with it. However, I do both of the "Do-Not's" as I am super self-conscious about myself and my chest. From putting on my binder, I go into the bathroom and put on this liquid-type stuff to help grow my facial hair, get dressed, and take off to work.

Daily Struggles

Everyday is a constant struggle with new challenges. I'm constantly trying to breath because of my binder and readjusting it. When using the restroom I go into the men's restroom, but have to be super cautious on when to go because I need to use a stall since I can't quite use the urinals. It makes it a little awkward when you go in to do your business and you feel like you're being judged for sitting on the toilet to pee. I have to constantly remind myself that the guys don't really pay attention, and I'm just overthinking it. Going into bars is a whole other story, I look like I'm 16, since I just started taking my testosterone I don't look as old as I really am. I can't buy tobacco without being carded and I'm terrified that when I get into a bar or something they're gonna think my ID is fake. Flirting and dating is a whole other category of its own. Who wants to date someone who is transgender? It's unfortunate when I have to get to know someone and they get to know me and I have to drop a bombshell on them that can make or break whatever it was that we had going on. I have a great personality and no one takes the chance to get to know me, and they have all these assumptions on what being transgender is and it becomes a turn off for them. The struggle is real when it comes to being transgender and being out in the world. I know there is probably 100 more struggles out there, but these are my big issues.

Nightly Nightmares

Every night when I get home I got to shower, but my eyes always catch the mirror as I'm staring at a body that isn't mine, that couldn't be mine. I stare at the person looking back at me pointing out all the flaws and how I wish things were this way and not that. How I'd look better and feel better once I had my chest chopped off. At night is always the worst because I could go all day without thinking about how I am trans, and I can go the whole day without having issues and just living my life. However, when that empty soulless body is staring back at me, I'm reminded of who I was 5+ years ago, a woman. Being reminded of my past doesn't change who I am or where I'm going in life, it motivates me to continue on with my journey. I am a MAN. I am TRANSGENDER.

I am proud of that.

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Devin Lamb

I’m laid back, and tend to write out my feelings. 

See all posts by Devin Lamb