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8 Lessons Learned From My Divorce Will Help You Have a Split Without Fights!

The opinion of someone about your divorce is not your problem, don't get into this energy.

By Fred Costa Published 3 years ago 5 min read
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I say for sure that I wouldn't be so happy today if I hadn't gone through a divorce in 2019 when my ex-husband gave me the precious information -"I don't love you anymore, beauty. Let's divorce." I'm not saying that my divorce was delightful, but after a year and a few months, I feel happier than before. I understand that it doesn't happen in the same way for everyone, and many people take longer to recover from the shock divorce can bring. I know how hard it is to hold that tear or that dry lump in the throat. Divorced people want only a hug and two open ears to hear all the marriage stories they have to tell. Divorced in suffering want only five or six hours o your day for you to hear all the whining of divorce and the additional traumas of being kicked in the ass. Is it too much to ask a friend for some hours, maybe days, talking the same thing over and over?

Are you still in love with your ex? The news for many of us come to divorce while even in love with the ex-husband is it'll take longer to become past. And things like dumb curiosity may do you visit the ex-love of my life social media to check how he's going. But look what a trap, if he is well, you will suffer because he is not missing you. If he is ill, you may believe he's missing and thinking of you. But it's probably not true. Even he's really missing you, that does not love. It's not what you would like to receive from him. As much as I love a person, as I did for my ex., I had no intention of continuing a love story without the guy loving me. It does not work.

It is difficult to understand that it is over, and it is none of your business, whether he is well or not.

Keep good thoughts about him, but move on living your life, not your ex's life. Attending my ex-husband's request, we split in March 2019, but we will continue sharing our house, which would stay with him at the end of the divorce. In June, he got a boyfriend in Turkish lands. It was a big slap to my face. Months later, I decided to live alone in an apartment because I could not forget my ex. Moving out was the right decision.

Splits are not easy, but when necessary, we have to make them possible. In April, I had already moved back to my home. My ex. was suffering because of a broken up. I was carrying beds and mattresses. It was time for me to get out of the " being shattered on the floor for life" status and get on my knees, to start getting up. I made a plan to get out of that hole, presented in 8 actions below. It worked for me, and I hope it works for you too, divorced or divorcing.

1. Stop Playing Victim

Even if you feel that way, behaving like a victim at this point will not help you at all. I'm not telling you to suppress your feelings and try to become a Superman.

2. Let it cry.

Don't keep anything; put everything out. Suffering comes to teach. Suffer, leave your heart calm, understand everything that happened to you, and get out of this better.

3. Choose for peace.

A divorce already hurts a lot on its own. We feel rejected and not understood. You least need to fight to know whos who will get the bike or the sink drain. If you have to share the assets, do it without greed, even if the ex. be greedy. Don't make the same mistake as him. Avoid all fights and vase things get better faster.

4. Changing your Focus.

We are born, grow, date, marry, separate, and will never be single again. You are now a divorcee; enjoy it. But it was hard to personally remove the double image that I had in mind for a man alone. Habits hinder this transition in our heads. The trips, dinners, and TV sessions alone are still new; they seem strange. Tradition and memories hinder us from making this transition in the head, but you can do it. It's time to stay focused, solve practically, and politely everything you have to solve and get on with your life.

5. Practice your Patience

Having patience is no longer the easiest thing in the world, imagine during the divorce. But patience is an item of great need in the separation because everything that irritated you in your husband triples when he becomes an ex-husband. If the divorce is for treason, multiply that by 180.

A. Listen and understand what was said before answering; in fact, the silence helps a lot. Your silence! Avoid responding when something hurts you, whether it's a mean hint from your ex or a question from someone who has nothing to do with your life.

B. Getaway lousy energy. In separation, our thoughts become less optimistic because of suffering, which is not a good thing. Don't get into the destructive energy of others. Good and bad people have their moments of negative life, and you don't need to get into this problem that is not yours. Take cover!

C. The bucket only spills when it's full, so keep your bucket empty, solving problems when they happen, preventing the thing from turning into a snowball and being released in an explosion.

6. Leave the opinion of others to themselves.

The opinion, positive or negative, of someone about your life is not your problem. No one is here to judge others. If you feel judged, don't allow it. The best way I have found for this is to leave people talking to themselves. Politely, always.

7. Don't feed your anger.

A person just made a comment that hurt you a lot, and you turn it into a crutch, assuming the profile of an eternal victim of divorce, so you don't have to deal with your anger. Others of us prefer to add firewood and see anger on fire, taking away the attention that was in our wounded pride.

It is not to hide or ignore the anger, but to manage it, digest the pain, and process it with a good intention of not being angry. It is not easy but efficient.

8. Take it out with a friend

But it needs to be a real friend. Whoever is not really your friend will not be able to endure the hundred and twenty hours of conversations about your divorce. But understand that nobody wants to hear the story of your divorce, even the people who listen do it out of kindness or compassion.

I wish you luck and hope!

divorce
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About the Creator

Fred Costa

Fred Costa is a Brazilian journalist and author living in Philadelphia, USA, since 2013. He has been writing for newspapers, blogs, and advertisement campaigns and was a local news anchor in his hometown in Brazil years ago.

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