7 Things About An Affair That Is Nothing Like The Movies

The affairs portrayed in Hollywood movies have an undeniable allure. They look pretty sexy and fun. 

Who wouldn't want to have one?

Secret rendezvous in divine hotel suites. Sweet nothings whispered into the ear during very public events. Touching the leg of your secret lover under the table whilst onlookers might catch you.

It sounds too good to be true. And that's because it is.

I didn't enter an affair with a taken man thinking it was like the movies. Our first hook-up wasn't exactly that glamorous, so why would I assume the rest would be?

Yet, whenever I have spoken about this tryst with the people in my life, they assume it was all flowers, champagne-laden romps and glamorous dalliances, like in the pages of a paperback romance novel.

The fiction writer in me loves that idea. It sure makes for entertainment.

But I have to warn you. I'm about to crush your fantasy about affairs. 

Whilst some of it can be as sexually charged as fiction promises, that's often where the fantasy ends.

1. Where are all the hotels?

I've only once checked into a hotel with a secret lover. And I'm somewhat ashamed to admit I've had a few (sorry, mum!).

The time I checked in, it wasn't glamorous. We were having lunch and scrolled through a random hotel/booking app to find something close by. We paid for the cheapest room on the list, knowing we would only be using it for a few short hours.

And as cheap rooms go, it was basic. It had a bed and a bathroom. It did the job.

If you think every affair is going to happen in a hotel room, you realise pretty quickly you need a lot of money to cheat. It's an expensive exercise. 

Unless you're part of the rich and powerful, don't expect the penthouse suite anytime soon.

2. Affairs are just sex and then guilt, right?

It's all physical; hot and heavy. Then they get a little complicated and end in a break-up with the established relationship. The cheater gets some crisis of confidence and ends everything.

That's a lovely way to look at an affair. I can see why fiction ventures down this path because it teaches a lesson about doing the right thing.

In real life, there isn't much conscience driving any decision-making during the trysts. It's the combination of sexual desire and romance.

None of the men I had an affair with ever broke it off with me because they needed to do the right thing. 

It either became stale between us, or they met someone else to have a new, exciting affair with.

Was there ever love? Yes, there was. You can't always sleep with someone for a sustained period without some true feelings for them. But to narrow down an affair to sex and then guilt is too cliched.

3. Super secret communication

Your Hollywood, fictional affair would have you believe you need the following to make it work:

• A second phone - One your partner doesn't know exists so you can text and call your love without possibly getting caught.
• A burner phone - The phone has to be on a pay-as-you-go plan, never linked to your name. You know, in case you get sued by your ex.
• A secret email address - A way of communicating to your lover so your boss doesn't find out, and so they don't have access to the one and only email address in your household.
• A secret apartment - It's never a house, it's an apartment so you can have your affairs away from the public eye. You know, once the hotels run dry.

I've never heard of anyone outside of romance fiction utilise these cheating 'hacks'. 

Sure, I've heard of a second phone, but that was an urban legend about some high-powered guys who thought they were in the romantic mafia.

But as for everything else, it's easy to hide your communication. 

• Delete messages. 
• Name the person as someone else on your phone. 
• Set a strong, undetectable password on your email. 
• Get used to having sex in the back of a car.

4. The daily romps

I don't blame you for thinking people having affairs conduct them every single day. If you're seeking emotional and sexual pleasure from elsewhere, you grab onto it every chance you get.

But this whole idea of every chance you get becomes skewed in real life. 

We're busy people and it can be a logistical nightmare to squeeze an affair into your schedule. 

It's weird when you put it like that, but here are the obstacles you have to face:

• Work challenges - you still have a 9 to 5 to go to, Monday to Friday. Unless you have extremely flexible working hours, you don't have a lot of hours in the day where you can be unaccountable to your loved one
• Family challenges - Kids, parents, siblings, these demands don't evaporate because you're having an affair
• Hobbies - Unless you're faking a hobby to have an affair, you still have those priorities eating up your week
• Sickness and health - You get sick, something happens to you, how do you have an affair?

If you can squeeze in a daily romp with your secret lover every day amongst those demands, and more, you have more hours than I give you credit for. 

But for most, it doesn't happen like that.

5. Unhappy people have an affair

I find this assumption a curious one. People seem to think you get into an affair to fill some gap in your relationship. 

You're unhappy at home, you don't get enough sex, and you need someone else to get fill a void.

Oh, if only it were true. 

This assumption makes affairs seem more rational and plausible in fictional stories. You could almost feel sorry for the character experiencing such a need the evil other person isn't providing them.

The reality is that people cheat for too many reasons to count. 

• Boredom. Inability not to (I call it the cheating gene). 
• Immaturity. 
• Inability to say refuse an attractive mate.

I mention this assumption because people believe their connection is helping the other person. That helping someone cheat helps their happiness. 

Whilst it technically does, there isn't anything noble about it.

It's more like cheating is cheaper than therapy, for most people.

6. Short-lived romances

I loved watching Grace and Frankie on Netflix. In the first episode, you learn the two male characters have been in a secret relationship for nearly twenty years by the time they came clean.

It's one of only a few rare times Hollywood has depicted affairs accurately. Some really do last for years.

I was in one that lasted two years before it ended. Two whole years of sneaking around with each other. It's a relationship in itself.

There is no time limit on how long an affair should end. 

Fiction will have you think they are short, sweet, and intense. But the intensity can last for however long the two people involved are willing to keep it up.

7. Cheaters eventually get caught

The biggest myth of all is well and truly busted. Cheaters don't get caught all the time.

Cheating is a skill you master with time and practice. 

Seasoned cheaters teach others how to get away with it because they live the secrecy every single day. When you have to always be on your toes, you never come off them.

These seasoned cheaters also teach the newbies how to cheat along with them. They guide them and show them how easy it is to cheat. 

Follow my lead and you will be ok.

It's also not that hard, either. It doesn't require a degree to understand how not to get caught. Perhaps some basic acting skills, sure.

But it's just good logic and you can get away with it. Not such good news for catching a cheater, but that's a whole different can of worms.