7 Signs That Reveal You Are in the Limerence Phase of a Relationship

“I’m completely obsessed with him!”

How many times has this thought run across your mind when you think of your romantic partner?

Have you ever felt overwhelmed with emotion, thinking about your desired person?

Do you make up scenarios involving them in your mind? Do you believe with absolute certainty you have found true love in this person?

You may not be in love at all.

Obsession, to some degree, is quite normal. I mean, what's love without some healthy obsession, right? My partner tells me he’s obsessed with me. And I have to admit it feels good to hear that.

Do I want him to be obsessed with me? Yes, just not in the way Joe obsesses over his women in the Netflix series You.

We all have experienced some healthy obsession in our relationships. But there is a whole other area where the line between love and obsession gets blurred.

This is called the limerence phase.

What is limerence?

We are well aware of the usual categories involved in romantic feelings. There are, for example, crushes, immature infatuation, physical attraction, and love.

But there is another less-known phase called limerence, which can easily be miscategorized as infatuation or love.

Limerence is a state of mind which results from romantic or non-romantic feelings for another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one’s feelings reciprocated. — Wikipedia

Psychologist Dorothy Tennov coined the term “limerence” for her 1979 book, Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love, to describe a concept that had grown out of her work in the mid-1960s when she interviewed over 500 people on love. She also mentions that sexual attraction is a prominent component of limerence.

The person experiencing the phase is called a limerent, and the desired person is called the limerent object.

Limerence is a state of intense desire or love addiction.

Symptoms of limerence

1. Craving for love

The limerent wants reciprocation more than anything from their object of desire. They want their limerent object to fall in love with them at any cost.

They crave this love and commitment. And they would be willing to go to any lengths to obtain it.

Love is about giving, whereas limerence is about receiving.

2. Creating fantasies and intrusive thinking

Constantly thinking or daydreaming about the partner is an intrinsic feature of limerence.

At its height, the thoughts are intrusive, involuntary, and persistent. Sometimes, these thoughts can go on for ages, occupying their waking hours completely like a severe addiction. This results in a significant disruption of other areas of life.

Beyond thoughts, the limerent can make up elaborate fantasies, leading up to the moment of their wish fulfillment, that is, being together with their object of desire — their limerent object.

3. Reading into their behavior

How many times have you thought too much into somebody’s actions or behavior towards you?

“I wonder why he said that?” or “He looked at me earlier. Does that mean he likes me?”

The limerent takes it to a whole new level. They are always looking for proof of the limerent object's interest. Anything said or done by the desired object has them breaking down their behavior to figure out its meaning.

For example, googling what a particular action means.

4. Thinking they are perfect

When you are in the throes of a new relationship, it’s normal to not see or turn a blind eye towards any flaws of the other person. But as the relationship progresses, we replace these feelings with one of acceptance.

Your partner is a perfectly flawed human being, and you accept all of them.

For a limerent, such flaws don’t exist. The object of their desire is nothing less than perfect in every way. Even if they barely know the other person, this blindness sets in early on.

They idealize their love interest, putting them on a pedestal.

5. Emotional highs and lows

Limerents experience an array of intense emotions depending on their limerent object’s behavior.

Since they crave reciprocation, any positive gesture can lead to a sense of euphoria or walking on air feeling. At the same time, any negative or undesired signal can ruin their day.

6. Fear of rejection

Fear of being rejected by their desired person is very real for a limerent.

This makes them doubt themselves and also very timid in the object of desire’s presence. This again causes them frustration and misery.

They hide parts of themselves, so that their lover only sees the best of them, trying to appear perfect.

7. Physical effects

Along with extreme shyness or awkwardness, the limerent may also experience physical manifestations like anxiety, stutter, trembling, or heart palpitations.

It may feel like your body recognizes that person’s presence.

What makes love different from limerence?

In the early stages of a relationship, you are a little obsessed with your partner. This is quite common at the start or during the honeymoon phase. So many times, limerence can be easily confused with love.

But there are distinct differences between the two.

1. In love, you give affection, whereas here, you desire it.

2. You see your partner as perfect in limerence, while in love, you see them as a human with flaws, but accept them anyway.

3. You are continuously thinking of your partner, but with love, you only think of them when you want to.

4. You don’t care about their feelings or well-being. When you are in love, their well-being becomes a priority.

5. You don’t enjoy being away from your partner or want to do everything with them v/s in love, you want to have space and different hobbies that you both can pursue individually.

6. You experience stress, frustration, and a fear of rejection based on their actions or reciprocity. In love, you experience a sense of calmness, peace, and security.

7. Limerence is addictive, whereas love is liberating.

A limerence phase often lasts many years. That is why it is not the same as infatuation, which is short-lived. The feelings may finally end when the object of desire reciprocates or when they get a commitment from them.

The feelings may also get desensitized over a long period if they do not receive any reciprocation, or they may get transferred on to another person.

Finally, and importantly: while limerence is not true love, it can turn into love. As the relationship solidifies, the limerence phase can fade. But if you are meeting a new partner, it’s worth looking for the signs of limerence in them as well as in yourself.