2020

Only a few more days of the year and this is when most people reflect on how the past 12 months have been. What they have done, what they haven't, and even what they could have done. This past year was dark for the entire world. As I have started to reflect, I have made sure to focus on one key point - the silver lining. The biggest silver lining of 2020 is that our shared experiences are bringing us together.

I did what I do every year and I made a list of resolutions. Those went out the window the third day of the year. My world began to shatter when I found out that not only was I pregnant but I was in the process of miscarrying the fetus. I was always told by my doctors that it would be close to impossible for me to get pregnant due to some of my assorted health conditions and medications I have taken to treat them. In the end it was too late. The silver lining I have taken from this situation is that now I am more informed about my physical health but I also have faced how I feel about being a mother.

Moving forward to February I tried to make an effort to be outside more despite the cold. I was helping my partner with his automotive shop and tried to lean under the garage door as it was closing. Just my luck, I got stuck under the door while on my knees. I did manage to get myself unpinned. Not only was it painful, it was embarrassing. When I decided to go the emergency room, I was not only taken mocked but the doctor gave me a rectal exam that was in my opinion only because she didn't believe I was in pain. I am quite used to this treatment unfortunately because I have fibromyalgia. The silver lining to this that my position at work afforded me to purchase a very nice back brace and a posture corrector under my HSA account.

March the pandemic became a growing concern so I decided to go see my family before I couldn't for a while. When I returned from my multistate trip, my partner couldn't break a fever so I was asked not to return to work until I was tested. After this I did become ill and did feel better until end of May. Like many other people in the universe I found myself at home with my partner. Unlike many other people, I already know that I love arts and crafts. I did however learn some things about myself, one of them being that I have no sense of identity. Silver lining is that I started a new position that was completely remote.

The summer flew by as it always does. Luckily I did manage to spend some time outdoors. After my initial progress of healing, my doctor decided to change my medication around and I began getting worse. The doctor did not connect my change in medication as the reason I was suddenly loosing consciousness. Eventually, it was figured out that I was being poisoned by the dosage I was taking. My partner did not leave my side and took care of me. As I did begin to finally recover, he asked me to marry him. While I was disappointed that he did not get down on one knee or even have a ring ready - I said yes. I began to plan our wedding and even bought a gown. The silver lining to all of this was that I realized I was not ready to get married.

My sense of self continued to be an issue. I fought against it instead of communicating. This led to more than one mistake. I cheated, I lied, and I regressed into old habits. Then October hit and my step brother died. I began to realize that I was unhappy and life was too short. I pressured my partner into moving down south and became resentful and angry when things were not moving in the direction I wanted them too. My communication skills further shut down and I tried to end things with my partner. My honesty was too late. The silver lining is that I did make it down to be with my family and I was able to spend Christmas with them.

One of the biggest things I did in 2020 was start therapy. In working with my wonderful new therapist, I have found the cycle of co-dependency I was on. I even figured out that I never faced any trauma that I endured in my life. 2020 was a terrible year. It was dark, painful, and violent. The silver lining of it was that I found myself. She is still a stranger to me, but I am enjoying getting to know her.