13 Beliefs I Stopped Holding But Still Haunt Me

All of us know at least a dozen people who do not share all of our beliefs. With over 7 billion of us, there is bound to be conflict. I can agree to disagree on topics like the correct way of hanging toilet paper or whether pineapple is an acceptable pizza topping (it is, btw).

The bottom line is that if the point of contention isn’t something close to my heart, I’m not going to fight over it. I don’t like camping, drinking, online shopping, watching sports or doing anything in the snow. I don’t care if you do and won’t bat an eye if you try to convince me otherwise.

But I can’t stand being around a person who has beliefs that I used to hold. I’ve spent years unlearning and shedding them through painful experiences, growth and adversity. So when I interact with someone who has these old beliefs, I can’t help but feel haunted. Then I’m angry at myself for letting something that I thought I’d grown from affect me.

I’m a recovering perfectionist who is trying to accept her flaws and own her shortcomings. Perfectionism is in my blood; I get upset when I’m not good at embracing my imperfections. It’s like, “Why can’t I be good at forgiving myself? Letting go? Accepting mistakes? Treating myself with compassion?”

In my head, I know certain thoughts and beliefs don’t serve me, that I’ve evolved from my past self. But in my heart, I start questioning how far I’ve actually come. Perhaps I haven’t changed? Perhaps my transformation is back to square one? Perhaps these beliefs still hold me under, drowning me in a sea of insecurities and poor self-esteem.

So I’m writing down a list of old beliefs that I’ve learned to detach from over the past decade. Bringing these to the surface and exposing them to you and the world gives me something tangible to revisit and validate my efforts. Also, reading these out loud makes them seem ridiculous…almost to the brink of satire.

1. Self-worth is tied to body image. The thinner you are, the more beautiful you are to all genders. Men will be drawn to you and women will be jealous of you.

2. Aging isn’t natural and needs to be countered. As a woman, the best compliment is when someone thinks you look younger than your age. Bonus points if they don’t think you have kids and when they find out, they’re surprised at how old they are.

3. You cannot let yourself go or else your husband will leave you. Make sure you always stay more attractive than him. Women need to be beautiful and men need to make money to take care of their beautiful wives.

4. Your value is only determined by how you compare to others. If they’re better than you that means you’re worse than them. Keeping up with the Jones is an effective way to motivate you to reach your goals.

5. If a friend offends you, don’t speak up because they won’t like you and you’ll cause a kerfuffle. Instead, internalize it. Grip and grin. Vent about it later, talk shit about them and get everyone on your side. Play the victim. That’s the ultimate revenge card.

6. Speaking of gossip…gossip is currency. Knowing what’s going on with everyone’s lives makes you important. Talking about other people behind their backs, spreading rumours, making assumptions, speculating and embellishing stories about them will allow you to become the centre of attention in your social circles.

7. Meeting your goals will lead to happiness. Happiness is transactional. Setting high expectations will generate high achievement. Aim high, work hard, sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice and you will be rewarded no matter what. Oh, and set goals based on what society deems as success not what you define it as.

8. Care a lot about what other people think of you because their opinions matter more than your own. If they judge you, change your behavior to change their minds. Saving face matters. You need to fit in their box.

9. Education is the only key to wealth. Teach your kids that the only way to a successful career is to do well in school. Someone who gets an A is better than someone who gets a B. They’re smart; therefore, they will flourish in life, and get all the jobs, money, raises, promotions… a rich life.

10. You’re doing well in life if you can afford to spend a ton of money on lots of things. Status matters. More is better and associated with happiness. More vacations. More activities. More movies. More restaurants. More concerts. More clothes. More shoes. More makeup. More facials. More pampering. More subscriptions. More memberships. More cars. More toys. More properties. More renovations. More spending.

11. Age equates to wisdom and maturity. Older people always know best and deserve respect because of how old they are. It doesn’t matter what their actual life experience and intelligence levels are. Hey, they survived this far…they must have learned something, right?

12. Speaking of respecting the elderly….your parents did the best they could. Honour and show your gratitude for them because they raised and sacrificed everything for you; there’s no point in bringing up their mistakes and toxic practices. It’s not worth thinking about how their actions affected who you are now. Just bury the hatchet, put lipstick on the trauma and numb the pain with an unhealthy coping mechanism of your choice.

13. Lastly, since your parents raised you and you turned out fine, then it’s okay to do the same to your children. Don’t question whether it was right or wrong because the end justifies the means. Also, constantly seek approval from them because they know what’s best for you; meeting their standards makes you stand out compared to your siblings and peers (see 4).

That sums it up. A lot of that personal work was about asking myself tough questions. I created a new journal to help you if you’re struggling to shed and continually unlearn toxic beliefs.

P.S. Check out my new personal growth toolkit! 50 Shadow Work Prompts: A Journal to Uncover Your Hidden Psyche

So Readers, let me know if any of these haunt you as they haunt me.