10 Tips To Keep Your Girl Happy

We are not that complicated, really

1. Don’t ask us out and not have a plan.

I totally understand if you’re going to have an adventurous night out and just see where you end up, that is cool and I am all for it.

But you know pisses us off? When you ask us out and then shoot down every option we give you about what to do.

“Wanna go to dinner?”

“Nah I’m not that hungry.”

“Wanna go to a movie?”

“Nah there’s nothing out I wanna see”

“Wanna go for a walk on the beach?”

“Nah, it’s cold out.”

“Then let’s just call this a night and I’m gonna go home.”

“Nooooo I wanna be with you.”

You wanna be stuck in the car with my grumpy ass with no food and no entertainment besides you trying to grope me and offer sex in the backseat?

Nah, I’m not in the mood for that.

It literally can be as simple as McDonalds in the car and watching Netflix on my phone.

I will admit that women do that too. You can give us ten places to eat and we will shoot them all down, wanna know why? Because sometimes we enjoy driving you crazy. Because then when we go out with friends, you and your pals will go off and bitch about us and we will bitch about the shit that you do and don’t do.

We have a system, you don’t need to understand it. Just accept it.

2. If we say no to a random Tuesday night out, it’s not about you.

It’s about the fact that we don’t wanna fight with someone about what to watch, what to eat, how we should dress.

If I wanna spend a night alone eating Cheetos and watching Will Ferrell movies and sit in soda stained sweatpants and a T-shirt with Looney Toons on it, that’s my right.

No, a night in with you is not the same thing. Those nights alone are all about us, not about compromising on what to eat or do till we’re both happy.

Sometimes, we might not be on our periods but still wanna eat like we are and we don’t need you judging that, okay?

3. We just wanna vent, okay?

It’s really sweet that when we talk about our day and our problems that you wanna help and fix things for us and offer advice. It is really sweet, no sarcasm in that sentence. Honestly it is really nice that you offer those things for us.

That’s just not what we need from you in that exact second.

When I come home and I tell my boyfriend about some asshole who yelled at me for 20 minutes, all you need to do is nod and say:

“Pfft, what a jerk.”

What I don’t want to hear is:

“You know, maybe if you had a jar of chocolates, you could say something like ‘hey before we solve your problem, would you like a Hershey mini bar?’.”

Let me bitch about that asshole. Just let me get it all out before you offer advice, okay? Once that story and all that anger is out of our systems, then we can relax and move on with our time together.

4. Don’t lie to me about little shit.

I once went out with a guy who was in my film class. We grabbed a cup of coffee and talked about the film genre we were currently covering which was Horror.

We went out to dinner and a movie and afterwards he asked me why I wanted to see a scary movie. I said because it was the same director from a movie we both said we had enjoyed.

He had a blank look on his face.

“Actually, I had never seen it. I just said that so we could connect.”

In his mind, he saw an opportunity to connect with me and have a common interest.

In my mind, I thought back on everything else he had agreed with me on and wondered if he was lying about all that too.

He was, we had nothing in common and no second date.

Don’t do that. It’s stupid and we will find out if you are lying about little things. In a girl's mind, if you’re willing to lie at all, we have to test everything now. Maybe you actually are married with three kids and have a house in Jersey and are super rich but you see us on the side in our crappy apartment to relive your younger years. Yeah it’s crazy, but that’s what little lies drive us too.

5. I don’t care if you have a friend whose a girl, don’t throw your phone into another room to avoid me catching a glimpse of it

Yes, all girls can be the jealous type at one time or another. It happens, we can’t really control it.

If your friends that are girls are respectful and cool, we will get along just fine. But if they’re giving us the side eye and borderline flirting with you, then we’re gonna dog a ditch in the backyard for ‘roses’.

And don’t even think about hiding your phone.

If we don’t have a legitimate reason to go through your phone, we won’t. As long as you’re not doing the phone tilt and the lean back of your sitting next to us and texting, we won’t care.

One guy I was seeing was texting someone as I was dressing for work. I walked to the bathroom and when I came out he was in the kitchen.

When he saw me coming in, he turned bright red and THREW HIS PHONE INTO THE LIVING ROOM.

Then he acted like he lost his phone and wasn’t just texting someone.

What else are we supposed to think?

You were playing Angry Birds and got too into it?

Don’t act like you were just watching porn, we know when you watch porn and we don’t care, okay?

So don’t act surprised and defensive when we ask you to borrow your phone.

6. Don’t you DARE grab my phone away from me.

One guy I was seeing was mad because I was playing a game on my phone while he was watching tv. So he grabbed my phone and sat on it.

Don’t do that. If you’re doing your thing and we are doing something else, don’t just grab our phones.

That guy wasn’t even talking to me and I didn’t pick the show he was watching. We had already stated that I didn’t want to watch it but it was fine to have in the background while I played my game.

And if I’m reading, do not even think about taking my book and waving it above my head where I can’t reach.

Both of those offenses will result in you getting kicked in the nuts.

7. We don’t actually care about Valentines Day so stop acting like we do

Valentines Day is a nice reminder for us to do something special for each other but it’s not life or death. We know it’s a holiday that is capitalized by every entertainment and candy industry on the planet.

Yes, we’d like you to send us flowers while we’re at work. Or a cookie bouquet or anything that says:

“Hey, I know today is a holiday and I just wanted to show that I planned this little surprise just for you.”

Do you have any idea how many points that gets you? It doesn’t even matter what the little thing is. Flowers at work, you cooking dinner, or you made reservations at a drive in theater. It doesn’t matter. The fact that you PLANNED something IN ADVANCE to show her how much you care for her and her happiness, there is seriously nothing better than that.

Why do women like partners who plan things? Well, there’s a few reasons for that. We don’t like arguing about where to eat or what to do. We like that you’ve taken the information we’ve given you and deducted what we might enjoy from that. We like being surprised. And it doesn’t have to be often, if you surprise your girl on Valentines Day and her birthday, that’ll be enough. Trust me, if you can’t handle doing something nice and thoughtful for your girl 2/365 days then just move along; you are clearly not ready for a relationship.

Do you know how many times your girl thinks about you? How many times she adjusts what she’s craving because you want something else? Do you know how many times she sent you a text just to check in because she was worried about you? Do you know how many times she did your laundry? Cooked dinner? Dressed up to look nice for you? Was polite and courteous to your family? How many times did she help your mother in the kitchen? How many times did she joke with your dad? How often does she clean up after you? How many times have you played video games without her even though she’s in the same room?

Two days a year, that’s all.

8. Don’t promise things in the bedroom that you can’t deliver on

I went out of town with my boyfriend a few weeks ago and he promised me a weekend full of sex. He wanted to do everything. Okay not everything because there are things that are a hard pass, but the point is we were going to have a lot of sex.

I prepared for it, okay?

I took care of the downstairs, and it was ready to be destroyed.

That motherfucker slept the whole weekend.

I read a whole book and sketched and shopped and that bastard slept.

If you promise your girl that you’re going to rock her world out of the damn solar system, and she takes the time to shave her pussy for you: FOLLOW. THROUGH.

9. The honeymoon period of a relationship.

It might be the first week, month, year; but once it’s over, that new relationship glow fades faster than a glow stick on the Fourth of July.

And that’s okay, it’s not the end of the relationship. It just means that you’re both adjusting to a joint reality. You do more things together and maybe they’re not fun things. Maybe you move in together and have to negotiate who pays which bill. Maybe you only have one car and have to have a schedule about who gets it and when.

The one thing that you should try to keep going from the honeymoon phase is letting her know how much she means to you.

When I first started dating my current boyfriend, he would text me a couple times a week about how pretty I am, how funny I am, how lucky he was to have a girl like me. After almost a year together, wanna know how many times he has told me one of those things in the past six months? Twice. And I know he still thinks those things but he doesn’t say them.

I happen to be one of those girls with low self esteem because I did not have a good childhood and there have been other traumas in my life I still try to put past me. So just a little text that says a compliment goes a long way. A lot of girls have complexes like that. Maybe it stems from a traumatic experience, from being bullied, being stereotyped, or even being the punchline of a joke. We want to be seen for us and it’s more than complimenting our looks. It’s a combination of our minds, bodies, and dreams.

Once the honeymoon phase is over, you don’t have to compliment your girl every day. Try for once a week. Just a little text will do the trick, you don’t need to send roses or write a romantic haiku.

“Just wanted to let you know that I think you’re the greatest woman in my life.”

“I am the luckiest man in the world to be able to hold you in my arms.”

“There’s nothing better than waking up next to you.”

Once a week, pick an above line and send it to her. Trust me, it’ll work.

10. Do NOT make fun of any part of our bodies.

This should be a no-brainer obviously but some of y’all need a reminder.

My Ex used to grab me by my love handles and make pig sounds. He also used to pinch my arms to gauge how much fat was there. He would slap my thighs and watch them jiggle.

There’s a reason he’s an Ex, and why his precious car is dented on one side but we won’t get into that.

Some girls can handle that, to a degree. We thick girls have thick skin when it comes to people joking about the parts of our bodies that jiggle more than others. But that has limits.

If we’re trying to dress up and look sexy for you, that is not the best time to point out certain parts of our body.

The last time I dressed up for my boyfriend, do you know what he did? He poked my belly button. Repeatedly. And giggling.

Nothing happened after that, I got dressed and went home.

Because not only does that feel awkward and sometimes hurt when you poke a belly button, but if your girl is sitting on top of you and wearing lace everywhere except for her pussy and whispering something sexy in your ear, the belly button is the last place we want you to poke. Don’t do that.

Follow those tips and your girl will love you even more than she already does. If you’re single, keep those tips in mind because they will be tested once you are dating.