10 Things That Happen When a Long-Term Relationship Ends

I have all of the feelings. They come in waves, some small and some crashing. For a week I thought I would drown. But I didn’t.

The end of a relationship is hard.

1. Extreme Grief

I grieved for a solid week. I felt intense feelings of loss. Because I not only lost a boyfriend, I lost a partner and a friend. Someone I was so comfortable with that I considered them family. And then one day that was gone.

And it is more than losing the person. You lose the friends that you once thought were mutual, but were really his. You lose the brother you had started to feel was your own. The parents you spent holidays with. The small pieces of your life that you had intertwined together suddenly have to be pulled apart again.

2. A New Feeling of Independence

I am suddenly a free person. Not that I was trapped, but I had spent years keeping someone in mind. I always kept him in consideration when I made decisions. From small decisions about my plans for the night to big ones like which city I wanted to live in. Suddenly the only person I have to check in with is me — and it feels fantastic.

3. Anger

I am angry. It happened slowly, after grief. I remembered how much effort I put into a one-sided relationship. I remembered all the times he disappointed me and the way he gave up on us so suddenly. The grief gave way. In its place came a different perspective of him and our relationship. It wasn’t just good times. The problems weren’t a means to an end. He wasn’t a perfect person. And he hurt me in a very real way.

4. Validation

I spent months thinking our problems were in my head. That I was reading too much into the details. He claimed he was happy, so why did I think differently?

Because he wasn’t happy. He was in denial. The problems I thought we had — they existed. The breakup was the most validation I had ever received from him. It meant that I was right. I wasn’t crazy. All of my worries and fears had been there for a reason.

5. Love and Support

I have received love and support from the most unexpected places. Our breakup showed me which people would step up for me in my darkest hours. It came randomly, from coworkers to old friends that I hadn’t connected with in a while. I had felt so alone, not realizing the support system I really had behind me. It was one of the most refreshing and comforting realizations I’ve ever had.

6. Brand New Exciting People

I am meeting so many new and exciting people. Artists, songwriters, skydivers, teachers. Being single has reignited my interest in people. And not necessarily even in terms of dating. I just have more free time and I’m more likely to say yes to going out now. It means I meet more people. There are so many cool ones out there.

7. I Have My Own Space

My ex and I lived together. Our house was a combination of us. The things and the people inside it. Only some of it was me.

My new apartment is all me. The art on the walls? I painted that. The cat on my lap? I adopted him. I hauled my couch upstairs by myself and I sleep in the living room. I’ve had the Scooby-Doo Christmas lights on my window since I was 9. Everything is placed exactly how I like it. The entire place is my essence.

8. Acceptance

I am finally learning to accept and let go. I had been afraid of moving on. What if I let go too soon and suddenly he wanted me back? What if he was suddenly willing to change?

That little what-if has an impact. For a while, it hindered my growth and acceptance. It hurts to let go, but if we never let go, we never move on. I couldn’t move on with my life while still hoping he would change his mind. I had to close the door and trust that whatever is meant to happen will happen.

9. I Only Want the Best For Him

I miss him. I am angry with him. But I don’t hate him. He was a very important chapter of my life. A chapter where I learned to grow and commit and to stand up for myself. I learned about what doesn’t work for me, and about the wonderful things that do.

After years together, I learned what complete comfort with another human felt like. He taught me how to be open and trusting. I shared the most intimate details of myself with him and that was really beautiful. I know he learned a lot from me and I know we pushed each other to be better. I hope he finds love again someday. I hope that he is happy.

10. I Only Want the Best for Me

I need to move on without him. I know this at the core of my being. We loved each other. We grew apart. And that’s okay. Not every relationship is supposed to last forever. I know that someday I will meet someone else, who will challenge me in new ways. Until then, I am relearning what it means to be alone. In the best way.

I am taking this time to take care of myself. To prioritize myself. To reinvent. It is one of the scariest and most exciting chapters of my life. I have a completely fresh start and I am ready for the changes.