Reed Alexander's Horror Review of 'Vampires vs the Bronx' (2020)

Okay, maybe it's on me going into this expecting Attack the Block (2011). That's a really high bar and frankly, there aren't many that live up to it. Needless to say, I went into this with high expectations so keep that in mind as I proceed. And just to get it out of the way, I actually do recommend you give this movie a shot. Horror Heads, even general pg-13 audience.

Man, this movie lacked substance. They had a great premise, so many places to go with it, and what they gave us is pretty generic. We saw this movie already, not just with Attack the Block, but also with The Lost Boys (1987). "Kids fight monsters." So if you're rehashing an old and overused concept, you really gotta make it unique. I think there could have been a lot to play with and what I got was just disappointing. Man, they even ripped a scene right out of Lost Boys. But, imagine if this was like The Strain (2014-2017) but like, with kids? Or like Fright Night (1985), but in the big city and with more vampires.

I mean, there's nothing wrong with this movie. It's got everything a movie needs for the "kids fight monsters" premiss. The acting is good for horror. The atmosphere, the tone of the movie, was right along there with Lost Boys or Fright Night. Again, nothing technically wrong. The FX are good, they didn't go too silly with any CGI. But for everything this movie did right, it just didn't do enough. I honestly can't help but compare it to Attack the Block. The two movies are so similar and Attack the Block is so much better.

Honestly, this movie was so unremarkable I almost didn't do a review. There's so little to actually say about it. It's 'Fine' it's 'entertaining' and that's all you really need, I guess. Outside of that, it's just disappointing.

Okay, here's the thing. I want you to give this movie a shot. Especially if you haven't seen Attack the Block. This would be a perfect place to start with the "kids fight monsters" premise because it's so generic. Seriously, like a knock-off cereal generic. I really do think it deserves at least one shot, but if you've already seen something like Attack the Block, you will be disappointed.

SPOILERS!!!

HOLY FUCK the final fight scene is SO FUCKING lame. Like, they didn't even try. They could have had a neighborhood rumble with everyone fighting vampires using homemade weapons and shit. You know what you get instead? ONE fucking vampire and the DUMBEST steaking scene I've ever seen. Seriously, this kid rolls in on his bike using a piece of wood like a lance. Fucking DUMB. And you could have done so much with that scene! Kids with water guns filled with holy water. People with shotguns that shoot steaks out or some shit. I mean, IT'S YOUR FINAL SCENE, GO ALL IN! The fight scene is so weak, it's downright disrespectful.

There was also another scene that's kinda dumb. The vampires are using this rich guy as their servant to acquire property for them. Now, this is a pretty prolific nest of vampires. You get the feeling that this shit has been going on for some time. Like, this guy wants to be a vampire and was willing to kill thousands to do it. And honestly, all he had to do was deliver and they probably would have given him what he wanted. But after some speech by a couple of kids, he throws all of that away... because reasons... Dumb.

Yeah, I really do want you to give this one shot. Honestly, if this was the first in line, way back in the days, when "kids fight monsters" was really popular, it probably would have stuck out. I think, at the very least, that means it deserves its day in court.