Harry Porter Trains Ukrainian Soldiers

You can't make this up. No one can, even those of us who write satire and dystopian fiction. This exchange reportedly happened on one of the Russian media channels where they allow viewers to call in with their opinions. I am going to translate it from Russian, verbatim.

***

Female caller: "Listen to me, all these Ukrainians..., I believe that as early as February 24 or maybe even earlier, they were sent to America. And there, they were jabbed with some vaccines, also, they were implanted some chips there, and they became these nano-warriors. Folks, look at this..."

Male host: "Benderovtsy, you mean?" ["Benderovtsy" is a derogatory term Russians use to refer to Ukrainians inspired by Ukrainian nationalist ideas of Stepan Bandera/Bendera who is described as "fascist" in Russia]

Caller: "Yes!!! At the beginning, we were winning, weren't we? And then these Benderovtsy came back from America, they had been trained there, they were taught there... And you know, they were taught in such a way that... you see, they simply... they were... He himself was there... what's his name, tell me, he was waving his wand, what's his name, sh*t, I forgot, this actor... not the actor... they even made a film about him... Peter Pan or... what's his name? well..."

Hosts: "Ah!!! Harry Porter!"

Caller: "Yes! Harry Porter was training them in his magic! Yes, Harry Porter trained them there in magic, Harry Porter PERSONALLY conducted these training courses for them in magic. There, they were flying their brooms, they were simply performing crazy magic there, guys, they can now destroy anything with their eyes, their gaze alone is destructive... because, as I said, Harry Porter himself was called in to train them. And now they have returned, I don't even know what to call them, you see, the beings like them have not been invented yet, the beings that they came back as. And now, using their collective reason, they started to infect everyone, to infect right there on the spot, you understand, with their magic! Because if it were not for Harry Porter, no one would have left Kherson!" [reference to a disgraceful retreat of the Russian occupying troops from the city of Kherson, the capital of one of the four Ukrainian regions illegally annexed by Russia on Sept.30, 2022].

Female host: "This is exactly why our government declared recently that this special operation was in fact de-satanization?"

Caller: "Yes!"

Female host: "That is, our side has uncovered this plot?"

Male host: "Yes, yes, yes!"

Caller: "Yes! Our intelligence reported to Putin that the training had been done by Harry Porter! He came to train them! Because I'm telling you, there's something incredible there, in that America, they came back as I don't-know-what!..."

The full exchange in Russian is here.

Full disclosure: I have not been able to find the original exchange on the Russian channels. As someone in the comments to the TikTok audio mentioned, it could be just a fake exchange, staged to make fun of Russians with their wild conspiracy theories. If it is indeed so, this is the Jedi-level trolling by Ukrainians, as it hits several conspiracy theories currently popular in Russia, such as:

- vaccines and microchips can make soldiers into programmable super-warriors [nano-warriors and chips in the exchange];

- America trains Ukrainian soldiers in modern war, including magic;

- Russia is not winning this war because Russian soldiers are facing Satanic magic there [the fact that Harry Porter was on the side of good, which sets Russian soldiers on the side of evil, does not matter];

- Russian intelligence is still omnipotent in uncovering enemy plots.

I've had the best belly laugh of the week listening to this exchange. Whether real or staged, it shows that Ukrainians are unbeatable, both in their ability to defend their country and in their humor if this is a hoax. Because humor like this can be used effectively to demoralize the enemy. Glory to Ukraine!