Nothing Ever Goes Wrong In DnD...

We had a bit of a tough session last time, so I think I’ll give the party a break. Instead of another dungeon crawl that ends with an adult red dragon, maybe a nice night in the tavern. It was Dwarfish Independence Day, according to my notes that I wrote ages ago, so I think a nice, easy session where the players can enjoy the festivities would be fun.

“So it’s Dwarfish Independence Day, so your usual haunt at the Glorious Tankard Tavern is much rowdier than usual. There’s a large group of dwarves at the largest table who seem to be in the middle of a drinking game-”

David, who plays the Satyr Bard, immediately gets a huge grin on his face and says, “I go over with my accordion and start to play for them.”

“Oh, uh...roll a performance check.”

“Mmn...25!”

“And you start to charm them with your tune. The dwarves are distracted from their game and start cheering you on as you dance around and play for them.”

“Great!” David clears his throat and puts on his ‘player’ voice and says, “Hey guys! You having a good time?”

And here, I do my best to put on a gruff, dwarvish voice to say, “Of course! It’s Dwarfish Independence Day!”

“Mind if I join your little game?”

“The more the merrier!”

Bubbles, because David did, indeed, name his character Bubbles, sits down with the dwarves to join their drinking game. I tell David to roll a constitution saving throw as he takes back his first shot.

“I got a...18!”

“And...you’re totally fine!”

“Awesome. So for the next shot, I’m going to fake it and toss it over my shoulder.”

“...Roll sleight-of-hand.”

“23!”

“And nobody notices! The dwarves are getting pretty drunk by now. But you have another shot to take.”

“I’m gonna do another fake-out.”

I shake my head. “Roll again.”

“I got a...24!”

“Well, the dwarves are wasted, a couple have passed out, and you’re perfectly fine.”

“I wanna pickpocket them. And I rolled a 22 for sleight-of-hand.”

I sigh. “Damn bards.”

It’s been a while since the party was able to get nice and drunk. The past three sessions they’ve been stuck in the necromancer Thornil’s tower fighting his neverending skeleton army. The tavern they like to go to whenever they’re in town has a giant golden tankard that the owner occasionally brings out and lets people try to drink it all in one go. Maybe it was time to bring it out again.

“I’m going to go immediately to the bar,” Elliott, who plays the half-orc barbarian named Mitch (pronounced Mike), says. “I wanna see if the golden tankard has been taken out.” He was defeated by the tankard twice now. Looks like he’s going for third time’s the charm.

“Okay. You start to head over, but it’s really crowded. You have to kinda push your way through, and you get shoved a bit-”

“I attack them.”

“What?”

“Whoever it was that shoved me. I attack them.”

“Oh, uh...you look down and notice it was a dwarf who stumbled into you-”

“I kick him.”

There’s a deep sigh, but, “Roll to attack.”

…

“Well?”

“Nat 1,” Elliott grumbles, glaring at his D20 while everyone else laughs.

My sigh turns into a little chuckle as I say, “You try to kick him, but completely miss, and the momentum of your kick sends you sprawling on your back.”

More laughs. Elliott looks about as angry as his character. “I...would like to rage.”

I frown. “Can barbarians rage outside of combat?”

“I think so,” David says, “But I guess it’d be up to you as the DM.”

I look at Elliott, who’s glaring at the little Lego minifigures we’re using as the characters on our playing mat. “Yeah, you look angry enough. You can rage.”

Elliott grins.

I’ll throw in a little bit of combat. Not too much. Just enough to add some spice to the session. Make sure things don’t get too boring.

“Does the tavern owner need any help?” Edward wonders. He plays a half-elven druid named Eodwulf. “Parties and, uh, drinking really aren’t my thing.”

“Yeah, Willy the owner tells you you can bring up some extra barrels of mead from the cellar.”

“I’ll go do that.”

“I’m going to follow him,” says Rae, the dwarven rogue (yes, dwarven rogue). Her character’s name is Bard. Not to be confused with Bubbles, the bard. No, this is Bard the dwarven rogue. “I don’t trust him. Also, I hate Dwarfish Independence Day.”

“Okay.” I grin a little. “You head down to the cellar. It’s much darker down there, but you can still see pretty well with your Darkvision. You notice these dark shapes scurrying around on the floor, and suddenly, you’re attacked by four, giant rats. What do you do?”

Edward glances at his spell list. “I...I’m gonna summon eight panthers.”

“Eight...panthers.”

“Yeah.”

I...do not have enough Lego minifigures for that. I end up having to resort to the good old drawing circles on the playing mat.

“It’s a really small cellar,” I say, “so it’s a bit tight, but you can just barely fit eight panthers around you. Bard, what are you doing? You’re at the top of the stairs, you saw the rats rush towards Eodwulf, and now a whole bunch of panthers just appeared from nowhere.”

Rae blinks. “I...slowly back out of the cellar and close the door.”

I’ll throw in some fun NPCs, something easy to play off of. It’s always fun when we can get a good roleplay in, after all.

“Is there anyone here not a dwarf?” David asks.

“Uh, yeah. You look around the room and notice a red tiefling woman reading tarot cards in the corner.”

“Cool. I’m gonna go over to her.”

“As you approach, she looks up at you and says, ‘Would you like a reading, dear?’” I’m pretty terrible at accents, but I managed to cobble something together there.

David says, “Oh, I was hoping to give you a special bardic reading of my own, darling.”

Oh god.

I glare at David. Because David isn’t just another player, he also happens to be my brother. My brother, who is flirting with an NPC that I, as the DM, have to play.

“Roll,” a sigh, “charisma.”

“...Natural 20!”

I’m monotone as I say, “You utterly woo her with your charm.”

“Cool. We’re gonna...slip away.”

“Oh yeah?” I challenge. “Where, exactly? The cellar is the only private place here.” The cellar that currently has four giant rats, eight panthers, and a screaming Eudwulf in it.

“No, we’re gonna go up to the roof!”

“And how are you getting there?”

“I have a climbing speed!”

“She doesn’t!” I shoot back.

“Then...I’ll carry her!”

“Fine.” I’m smug now. “Roll athletics, but just know it’s gonna be a really hard DC and-”

“Ooh, a 23!”

“Damn bards!”

Really, I just want to give the party a chance to bond with each other. They’ve been stuck in combat practically non-stop and have hardly had a chance to get to know one another.

“Oh yeah,” Rae suddenly realizes after her character’s fourth drink. “I left Eudwulf with some rats, didn’t I? I’m gonna go over to Mitch and tell him what's going on.”

“Mitch is in the middle of a bar fight.”

“Yeah. So I’m gonna go over to him.”

“And?”

“And I’ll kick him in the shins until I get his attention.”

“I...okay. Mitch, in the midst of your rage, you suddenly notice what feels like a tiny flea tapping at your leg.”

Elliott looks at the board for a moment before he says, “I’m gonna look down, notice Bard is kicking me, and punt-kick her across the room.”

“Roll an attack.”

“I’m recklessly raging so I have advantage...and that’s a 19.”

“Bard, you go flying back as the eight foot tall half-orc punts you into the nearby table.”

“Uuuuuuugh!” Rae groans in her ‘Bard’ voice. “Fine. I guess I’ll go check on Eudwulf myself! I’m going to stomp over to the cellar and peek in.”

“You look down and see Eudwulf, on his knees, his arms covered in blood and guts and sobbing with the bodies of four, dead rats around him, half-charred. He’s desperately moving a blood-soaked rag around on the floor to try and clean up, but it’s really only making things worse.”

“What the hell did you do?” Rae cries.

“I tried to cauterize their wounds so that they’d stop bleeding over the floor,” Edward says, a little frantic. “But it didn’t work! You have to help me clean this up before Willy sees!” Willy, the tavern owner. He’s also a half-goliath who threatens dismemberment to anyone who messes with his establishment.

“Yeah. That’s gonna be a no from me.” Rae gives Edward an unapologetic look as she says, “I leave and close the door behind me.” A pause. “And I’m gonna use my lockpicks to lock it from the outside.”

“Nooooooo!”

All-in-all, it’s going to be a nice, relaxing game for my players to unwind. No need to escalate things.

“WHY IS THE BUILDING ON FIRE?”

“AHHHHHHH!”

“WILLY’S GONNA KILL ME!

“STOP SCREAMING!”

“I’M LITERALLY ON FIRE!”

Man, I love DnD.