The Human Experience

In search of the never-ending question into the deeper parts of my soul, I journey across the country and find myself in New Mexico. I hike the Rio Grande to stand moments away from a mountain goat. I am immersed with fear; he looks deep in my soul; I feel him. I hear the rocks of the mountain so beautiful and bold; they tell me without words, that I am not welcome there. Feeling the courage from the mountain goat, I ask why. I feel the answer, you’re too scared it says. I vow to the mountain I will not let her down. I feel the power of her flowing through my veins, and I push forward.

My clothes now feeling heavy and out of place. I remove them with the strong urge to feel the heavy rushing waters touch every part of my being. The cold river calls my name, and suddenly I am immersed in ice cold water that feels like sharp piercing needles straight to my lungs. It now reminds me of memories of a harsh reality in which up to this point now feels meaningless. Feeling the power of the mountain, my breathe slows down and the body of water cleanses me. It carries me rapidly as if I am a wave moving as one. I feel joy and power. I feel safe.

With the feeling of safety, I feel the need to shed a layer of skin. I run volcanic mud fire all over my vessel to receive the warmth from the sun she has created on this day. I feel the warmth of her flowing through my heart as the mountain calls me in the distance.

A dark cave filled with curiosity invites me into her bosom. Drenched with fear for the unknown, my mind now unsure of its truth, follows the feelings in which my vessel now leads. Guided by the grandmother soul on this earth, she welcomes me into the deeper understanding and knowledge of the power I possess from within. She holds my hand and guides me into the darkness and with nothing but a look into her soul. I feel her; I love her; I trust her.

On my hands and knees in the rawness into the mountain blinded by darkness, my vessel is all I have; I feel corners; I feel stuck; I close my eyes, and I feel the comfort and security of my grandmother and I take a breath. I feel from within, and I am never stuck I'm always moving. I hear water and I feel the breath of my sisters; I am not alone.

My body starts moving in dance by the song of my sisters who have also felt called to be there. A hand reaches to welcome me into the middle of the mountain which has graciously provided us with a body of water felt made for this specific moment in time. I feel the hand as if its warmth warms my heart. The ancestors are here, and our five voices become 20 within the harmony of the music. I feel music, and I see sound. This space is my home. The song moves through my body within that moment. Without sight and the air to breathe, I can see, and I can sing. It’s time to expose myself to the earth and to my sisters. I feel someday I will be back to the place in which I was reborn after my vessel has experienced death, something not to be feared. I too will be a grandmother to this mountain and hold my children for their new beginnings.

Called to the next round to further explore my birthing and understanding of who we are. The snake in the water reminds me of the beauty from the shedding, and my thoughts stop; I am truly present in this moment. Have faith in the process I hear. I close my eyes and continue to the temple to deepen my understanding and this quest. The temple is filled with energy of understanding and love. I respect these grounds; I feel the essence. I am surrounded by stories from elders and women who I feel I have known longer than my being has existed. I feel a belonging, and that I have much to learn.

Visions, my vessels created visions for me to feel. One vision from the temple creates an endless flow of tears. The vision is clear. There are no words to express the feeling that is generated from the vision of my vessel as an older form of my being, a much older woman, holding my current vessel while it weeps fills my heart and soul with endless self-love. I am never alone; the ancestors are forever saving me from myself. Time has ceased to exist and there are only moments.

There are many ceremonies that all become one. The energy force gets stronger and stronger with every breathe. Through sweat and love a lodge was built by a group of women who dedicate their life to their deeper souls’ purpose and to allow for every soul longing for connection to the universe to have a place of worship. It's self-less; it's beautiful. I feel their love and I feel their beauty. Never ending. Through sweat and steam, I lean in further as the fire from the coals burn my throat. Without food or water, I feel thirsty for more fire. Water is no longer the need for my soul. The ground is beating like the sound of my heart as our circle of sisters call to our souls longing for answers. I feel the voices of music within my body which sends my energies vibrational level to an uncontrollable measure of unconsciousness. I feel there is no room for uncertainty, and my body exhausted. This dome in which we have gathered to connect with fire and air has left me speechless. My eyes feel as though they have new lenses, or I have new eyes. I feel like I am in a trance of purity, and everything seems clear.

The thunder and rain come down, and I feel powerless to the universe. Father sky reminds me of where I came from, and I feel at home in the stars. I collapsed and apologized for forgetting to receive and listen to the deeper purpose for my souls’ time on earth. I have forgot how to feel. A rainbow is created while I gaze up. The double rainbow extends and shines as a reminder to every one of my sisters. I feel the family; I feel the connection; I felt the hug.

The sun calls to me on the eve of the last day. Anxiety fills my body as I felt meant to be here. How can I ever leave? The sun beams on my face like it feels for the first time as a child. I have shed the skin that I came here with and have become new. I am guided by my soul mother in a serious of movements to be part of the vibrational energies that are connecting us all. I feel the energy flow through my body to the universe and to the core of the earth. It flows through me, and with me, as I share it with the world. There are no words, just feelings. The earth reminds me to always remember what I have learned.

The deeper purpose to my soul will never forget.

who am I?

I am nothing, yet I am everything

BEEP …BEEP…BEEP …. BEEP

I stretch my body from slumber and let out a huge YAWN while I turn off that wretched noise. Strangely recalling something amazing just happened, but I am swiftly taken away by the fact that I really have to pee.

By Tara K.