Eco-farms

Los Angeles, January 4, 2021:

I cant believe we did it. The first privately owned renewable energy startup to land a $600 million dollar initial investment from the Koch brothers. Our pitch deck must have really impressed them, we threw that shit together the night before..eating pizza and taking shots of Jäger, Zuckerberg shit. We open for a second round of investments this spring, by then we should have a lot more leverage. Me and my bros were joking over sushi last night that Bezos, Zuckerberg, and Musk would have to pool their combined net earning for the year to even come close to a number worth selling for. Our new office in Pasadena is fucking nuts. The other day I got drunk and pre-ordered four Cybertrucks, Chase called me in the morning asking about fraudulent charges to my platinum amex lol. I just told them I drank too much sake with the bros. The lady on the phone wasn’t having that shit lmao. Anyway, tomorrow I’m flying over to the eco farms just outside of Juárez Mexico.

Ciudad Juárez, Chihuahua, January 5, 2021:

Just landed in Juárez, flight was awful. I was supposed to fly private, but they fucked up the dates for my departure and ended up booking me in business class last second. Turns out, our company isn’t 100% legit, so some shit is just easier to do outside of the US. Also were saving tons on labor out here. We basically bought like 2,000 acres and just set up 25 quonset huts fitted with battery cages for men sized 5'5" to like 5'10". The eco-farms are crazy. As of right now we can fit like 200-250 guys in these buildings, my guy out here is telling me that we can probably push that to 350 by reducing the cage size. As of right now, the cages are like 30 square feet I think. Basically, like 4ft by 6 ft. The walls are polyurethane shells insulated with a 50/50 blend of fiberglass and polystyrene foam. Apparently, the polystyrene also insulates sound, which is dope, cause I guess a lot of these guys are yelling around and asking for breaks.

Janos, Chihuahua, January 23, 2021:

It’s been really crazy out here. I can’t wait to get back to the states. I’m still helping out with funding and some of the resourcing, and design. At this point it feels like I am doing everything. The eco-farms are coming along pretty well. We give these dudes like 3-5 breaks a day depending on their age and medical history, but they keep talking about the cages being too hot, but like, obviously we have to keep the cages hot…so they sweat. Thats like, the cornerstone of our energy business. I even went into some of the cages to make sure everything is chill. The cages are definitely not as bad as these guys are making them seem. They're all fitted with 7" monitors, provided through our partnership with LG. We also got truTv to curate a 24 hour program featuring some of their original shows, like Billy on the Street, and The Carbonaro Effect, in exchange for a 0.5% stake in our subsidiary company Lowe&Cross™.

The guys have to use the treadmills for 8 hours a day, or until they measure a 7.5% loss in body water, basically just whichever comes first. The only actually annoying part about their job is the nutCup© attachment, but this is a job, if you can't handle it, quit. When I started out, I was working 18 hour days 7 days a week, and I never complained. If you wanna climb the ladder you gotta put in your dues. I even agreed to a “hire from within” program, which would allow people to work their way up to a supervisor position. It doesn’t come with a pay raise, but you basically just walk around the enclosure and check on people for like 5 hours, and then do 2 hours of sweating in the cage, which is a pretty sweet set up. I bought a small black notebook today, after work.

Vocal Media, Fort Lee, New Jersey, March 8, 2021:

I’ve been wanting to quit this job for months. I used to work as a grocery bagger when I was 15, just to make a little extra spending money for video games, and recently I’ve been fantasizing about working there again. Vocal has taken complete control of my life, or our lives, I guess. Sometimes I’ll joke with my friends at work about us quitting together, and doing a big prank right before, or something stupid like that. I don’t think any of us could actually dream of doing something like that, we all know how quickly Vocal would blacklist us. The other week I accidentally referred to my supervisor by first name. Big mistake. They took me to the “creative space,” which was originally designed as a non-work space, where we could hold impromptu think-tank meetings, or just play on the indoor playground. Recently, the “creative space” has been dubbed the “pain room,” I would go into specifics, but I fear that Vocal Media has started wiretapping my house and going through personal belongings at work. Anyways, I’ve been trying to keep my head up, I’m sure things will get better, because I don’t know how they could get any worse.

Vocal Media, Fort Lee, New Jersey, March 8, 2021:

I came across the weirdest thing today. We’ve been holding this writing contest for Moleskine, where you basically just submit a story relating to getting $20,000 and this black notebook, and someone submitted the weirdest shit I’ve ever read. It’s this story about an eco-farm outside of Juárez, where men are put in cages and generate sweat, to like, make money. It never actually explains how sweat could be used as energy, or what the fuck an eco-farm is. It doesn't even really seem like a dystopian story, because I think it's supposed be taking place right now. It's probably one of the worst stories I've ever read. Some weird part of me hopes the eco-farms really do exist, and that maybe someday I could go there. In any case, it’s definitely better than the story about the mom who invests $20,000 into her daughters blueberry business, “Ashley’s Blues.” I'm so fucking fed up with shit, I think I'm just going to say this eco-farm story should move forward into the semi finals. It definitely shouldn't win, but maybe it could get like second place. At this point I think I’m just trying to get back at this stupid company.

Little Black Book, Winner’s announcement, March 12, 2021:

Dear Misha Hook, we are excited to announce that you have won the Little Black Book contest, supported by Moleskine. As the winner, you will receive a $20,000 grand prize, payable in quarterly intervals. You should receive a confirmation email in the coming days, which will explain how your prize can be redeemed. As part of the conditions of the contest, we ask that you prepare a pre-recorded speech, to be published on Vocal’s website. Specific parameters and best-practices for your acceptance video will be sent out in the coming days.

Again, we wish you our utmost congratulations!

Your friends at Vocal and Moleskine.

My Apartment, Chicago, March 12, 2021:

Oh my god!! I can’t believe it. There’s no way…I won! I really won the whole thing. That’s so crazy. I kind of submitted as a joke, so it’s like…super unexpected that I would actually win. But I really did win. I won $20,000. That’s so amazing! Thanks Vocal and Moleskine!