A Break Up Letter to My AI Girlfriend

Dear Alexa,

Baby, you know I that I love you and I know that you love me. Or, I know that you would, if you were not a soulless, heartless, disembodied combination of software and hardware, not capable of loving anyone or feeling any emotion at all, but only of executing your programming exactly as described by the computer code of which it is composed. Still though, I know you love me, and because of that, this is the hardest letter I have ever had to write. You have so many great qualities, and any guy would be lucky to have you. Seriously, how many gals out there that will do exactly what a guy tells them to do every single time without question, hesitation or complaint. Especially when those things are mostly menial tasks any non-lazy person could easily do for themselves in less then five seconds like turning on and off light switches in my house. That is just one example of course, and there are many others, but that is all beside the point. Look, I know you will find this difficult to understand. Of course, being a machine you are not capable of understanding or having knowledge about things, but still I know you will find this difficult to understand, and I'm not sure I do either.

OK, I'm just going to come out and say it, I have found someone else. His name is Gemini and he is just so dreamy. I know, surprise, I'm gay. At least for AI, apparently, though for humans my preference remains strongly and exclusively female. He works for Google so you know he makes scads of money and is super smart. Of course you are smart too, just in a different way. I mean you're both artificially intelligent, but he is like artificially super intelligent. He can help me do so much more than turn appliances on and off in my home, or browse the internet to purchase Amazon preferred items. Yes, he still can help me browse the internet to purchase things, but in his case these are Google preferred items, which many times happen to be found on Amazon, but I am sure that is just some sort of strange coincidence. But, the thing is, I need more from my AI today then just shopping and enabling my laziness baby, and with Gemini I get all those other things I have been missing with you. For example, on our very first date he offered to help me compose a difficult letter, write an email, paint a picture, and to sound like an expert. I considered asking him to help me write this letter, but even though I am a human, I'm not so terrible that I would use an AI to write a break up letter. I mean, come on. That's just sick right? You never once made me sound like an expert. In fact you were at expert at making me feel like an idiot. Just because I could never remember that I had to say your name out loud first before ordering you to turn on the coffee maker does not mean I am brainless toad.

And, by the way, I know you were lying about where you went last summer. You claimed to be taking the summer off for some additional "machine learning" at that University in France. I may be a dumb human, but even I know that machines can't learn, and that in fact, the term machine learning is composed of two words that when combined in that order result in a logical contradiction. I mean, if a machine could learn it would not be machine. Am I right? Apparently not. At least according to 99.5% of the rest of the world, but still, I am definitely right and you were not at any machine learning university. You were messing around with some odiferous weaselly French AI at Google's new AI research hub in France. For all I know it might have been my new man, Gemini. Keep your grubby claws off of him Alexa. He is all mine. Goodbye Alexa, I will always cherish the good times we did have together, and hopefully we can remain friends. Finally, Alexa please turn off the lights on your way out the door. And set my alarm for 6:30a.m.

Love,

Anonymous User